Thursday, April 20, 2017

hi there 2017.

a lot has been going on. i mean, clearly in 6ish months some things are bound to happen. writing has not been one of those things, but i do miss the exercise of chronicling our lives and whatnot, so i am going to attempt to catch back up and re-commit to this little corner of the interwebs.

i lost my job in november. it was a routine layoff, part of the divestiture of my company away from dell. they laid off something like 1/3 of the employees, so i guess i was in good company. it still sucked. i think i have made it through all the stages of grief with that whole thing - probably not in order, but i am working on it. anyway. i've run the gamut of emotions from relief to devastation to complacency to self-doubt (times a million) to anger to...well, you get the idea. i thought i would jump right back into the workforce without really having to try, but that hasn't been the case.

shortly after getting laid off, i found out i was pregnant. again. after four losses in 2016. so, needless to say, there was a lot of mental and emotional stuff there. i had switched doctors after my fourth miscarriage because i felt like my former practice (that i loved) was not taking my situation seriously at all and i knew i could not abide another loss. i had some tests run in september and everything looked fine, thankfully. my new doctor prescribed progesterone for when/if i became pregnant again. she recommended taking it beginning with a positive pregnancy test along with a baby aspirin. so i did. and it worked. and now here i am, 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. it feels like a miracle, though i guess life is always a miracle, right?

anyway. between those two major events/shifts happening concurrently, public discussion of what's going on (i.e. blogging) hasn't seemed ideal. i felt pretty terrible and also quite terrified for the bulk of the first trimester. and then i was trying to get hired somewhere asap before i started showing in the second trimester. and now...well, now i am trying to get hired in the mid-late second trimester while sporting a sweet belly. the universe works in mysterious ways.

i have had some amazing support and solidarity (justin, many of the friends who've been "in the know", my family), and some disappointingly, very upsettingly unsupportive encounters. i waffle between the intense desire to explain myself (i know how babies are made; yes, this was planned - maybe not the timing, but the baby for sure; the layoff wasn't expected; i really do like/need to work and taking a year off BEFORE a baby is born is not ideal; how would you feel in my situation; etc.) and the very real feeling that it's nobody's business. i guess pregnancy is normally filled with all the feelings, and this one is no exception, even if the feelings are different/bigger than i would have anticipated.

so those are the big things. beyond that, we had some incredible holidays, hollis turned four, emme has rocked her kindergarten year, and we are generally extremely happy and healthy and thankful for everything that's going on in this sweet little life of ours. i'll back date some pictures and other updates soon.

Monday, November 14, 2016

election 2016.

my dear children,

i have spent the better part of this past week trying to write this letter to you. and the conclusion i've come to is this: i have no conclusions yet.

on november 8, our country elected donald trump as the next president. he will likely be the first president either of you remember, and that makes me sad. it makes me sad because this man won on a platform of fear, hate, and lies; a platform that pitted americans against each other; a platform that reaffirmed something i hoped we were slowly slowly moving past as a country: that those who are in power will remain so, and have no responsibility to those with less/no power. he managed to stand up this platform without any real solutions or policy agendas or plans, and he won in spite of a "majority" of americans voting for someone else. i am not sure how to teach you about fairness in the aftermath of this.

here is what i know: if either of you said the things donald trump has said on his campaign, i would be horrified and ashamed. if either of you sought to exploit and oppress huge swaths of the population for your own gains, i would feel like i had failed you as a mother and a human being.

so what now? thankfully, you are young. over the next four years, you will grow a lot, but you will still be so young, and i am so relieved for that blessing. you will learn and question and become under the regime of our home, and daddy and i will do our best to engender in you both the values we think will help you become the best people you can be, even if those values are absent from our government.

here are the things i want you to know - no matter what donald trump and his cohorts say.

  • you are important - every single person in this country and on this planet is important. we all deserve to live an authentic life...the best life we can create for ourselves. 
  • you are privileged. i didn't make the rules, but i know what they are, and in the current game, you - by virtue of nothing other than luck and circumstance - have advantages. do not let those advantages make you blind; instead, let them open your eyes to all the ways you can elevate and empower those without the innate luck you've had. 
  • the world is not fair - but that doesn't mean you don't have to try. yes, the system is rigged. yes, sometimes it doesn't matter if you're smarter, better, a harder worker - sometimes being the best isn't enough. but your integrity is everything - hold your heads high and work your butts off, no matter what. 
  • don't be afraid to speak up. be respectful. be thoughtful. but do not be cowed by those who will shout over you and try to silence you. 
  • love your neighbors - all your neighbors. love those who are different and those who are alike. endeavor to understand the hurt and confusion that underlies the hate and anger coming from those who shout the loudest. seek to find the similarities among all people rather than allow the differences to drive a deeper wedge between us all. 
the last thing i want to say is that i'm so sorry. i'm sorry that things have gotten to this place, where people are so scared and so divided. i'm sorry that you have to see this great country in this capacity. i'm sorry for the plans this new administration is already making - to strip your futures through policies that have no eye on the long road. i'm sorry that what is happening now means you will have even more work ahead of you. all i can promise is that i will try to help. i will try to be an example of how to work hard. i will try to teach you everything i know, and i will try to help you not be afraid. 

i love you both more than anything. 


Friday, October 28, 2016


my parents were in town last weekend, so we took a little trip to sweetberry farms in marble falls for their pumpkin patch activities. ek was still puny, and jb was camping with some dudes so he missed it, but it was a super fun outing. i'm so glad we got there when we did (fairly early), as by the time we left, i was so over the masses of humans out on the farm.

the kids got to paint pumpkins, ride horses, eat some snacks, and pick out a (massive) pumpkin. now, if only we could have some weather that's colder than the upper 80s, we'd be in good shape for fall...

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

hot mouth.

early morning, hollis has crawled into bed next to me.
me: {kissing his face}
h: "mama! your mouth is so hot!"
me: "my mouth is hot?"
h: "your mouth is hot mama. why is it so hot?"
me: "ummm..."
h: "maybe there is sunshine in it?"

Monday, October 03, 2016

no parking.

"mommy! i just saw a sign! it had a circle with a line through it and an R in the circle that means NO ROBBERS."


"mommy, are pigeons the state bird of the world?"

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


h: "mommy. did you know that wolfs have all the smells? or i think they have most of the smells."
me: "oh yeah?"
h: "yeah. they have at least like 160 smells. wolfs do."

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

first two weeks + labor day holiday.

whew. time is just rolling on by over here at our house. the school year is off to a good start, i think. there are definitely things i'm hoping will change/shift, but i'm trying to just be patient and positive. emme seems to be adapting well and hollis is much less traumatized than i expected without having ek at the same school as him all day.

the weekend after school started, jb headed up to dallas to see the coldplay concert with his mom and brother. they were there for three nights and got to catch a rangers game, eat some fancy sushi, and see the concert, so i'd say it was a successful trip. my mom was able to get a ride in that weekend, so she and i got to hang with the kids solo and that was super fun as well. we saw pete's dragon, did lots of puzzles, went out for dinner and ice cream, and generally had a great weekend. mom left on monday, so she even got to walk emme to school, which was fantastic.

i am taking care of all the animals at ek's elementary school, which is a huge job, but one that i am loving. i have always had mammals as pets, so it's been fun to learn about the parrots and hermit crabs and snakes and turtles. we have had some animal trauma this year - we lost a rabbit right before the summer, and all the chickens got mauled and killed by something the first weekend of the school year. i was lucky that mom was in town to hang with the kids while i went to clean it all up (i had an amazing neighbor who helped me so much), but it was really devastating. i really love animals and i hate to see any creature suffer. justin fixed the coop up last week, so hopefully we will get some new hens soon.

emme has also been letting me play with her hair lately which is really fun. it's so long and easy to mess with. i love it.

other than that, we are just plugging along. we did all sorts of fun things for labor day weekend - swimming and birthday parties and dinner with friends - and we are working on exhibiting gratitude and also not flipping out when it's time to leave. well, mostly emme is working on that. sigh. parenting is hard sometimes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016


yesterday my sweet baby girl started kindergarten! i kind of can't believe it. i didn't cry or anything (surprisingly), but it still feels like a monumental thing. she is in the system now - a kid and not a baby anymore.

sunday we had a fun, mellow day. breakfast tacos and puzzles, then jb took the kids to a movie while i went to a friend's birthday brunch. for dinner, i let the kids make their own pizzas which they loved. we had bath time and i gave them a little melatonin so they were ready for their early bedtime. i've been trying to move their bedtime up a bit every night for the past week or so, and that was a huge help.

i woke up around 6:15 and a few minutes later i heard her little footsteps heading up the hall. she asked for cereal for breakfast and got dressed easily. then we all walked to school together and took about a million pictures. she was a little freaked out heading in to class, but tough too. no crying.

jb and i picked her up a little early and she was super happy - she told us all about everything, including that she "made 11 new friends but i don't remember any of their names". ha. she was happy about her after school program. she was less happy that her teacher wanted them to be quiet a lot. but, all in all, a great day.

we capped off the first day with a trip to get ice cream before dinner. then, a low key evening and easy dinner. i was asleep by 8, so i guess we were all pretty wiped out.

we are so proud of our big girl - this is going to be a great year!

Monday, August 15, 2016

breakfast request.

yesterday, on the way to central market for our typical sunday morning there, hollis said:
"mommy. for breakfast i want a bagel. and then a taco. and then chicken and fries. and then a cheeseburger with fries and ketchup."

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

fourth of july.

fourth of july was super fun this year. hollis's class had a parade/party celebration; we had our neighborhood parade, complete with bagels and lox at the bowmans; and we rounded out the actual day with another neighbor party and an evening at the koens. the kids loved sparklers, but the louder fireworks were not a hit this year. it was also a pretty exhausting day - three blow-outs is a lot to cram into one day, especially for the 10-and-under crowd.

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