today.

i am tired and our house is slowly almost back to a semi-normal state after today.  today was a crazy day - the kind of day that makes me wonder how other moms do it and if i'm just completely inept.  anyway.  let me back up.
two weeks ago, when we went camping, emme woke up with super crusty eyes.  i was able to get her in to see her pediatrician that day, even though it was sunday, and she was diagnosed with yet another ear infection.  this was her fourth/maybe fifth.  since thanksgiving.  not lookin good.  our doctor is, mercifully, right in line with my own philosophies about such things - she is conservative about jumping right to surgical intervention.  she acknowledged that emme's ears looked bad, but said we would do one more round of antibiotics and just hope.
so.  yesterday was a little over two weeks since that appointment.  she did a 10-day round of omnicef that she finished on thursday.  over the weekend, her eyes started getting a little crusty again and she was tugging on her ears a bit, so i pretty much knew what the doc was going to say.  sure enough, when she looked, emme's ears still look "horrible", despite the full round of antibiotics.  ugh.  they gave her an antibiotic shot in the thigh that was the roughest shot she's ever had to take, and then referred me to a group of ENTs.
this morning, we scrambled to get out of the house for emme's 8:15 appointment with the pediatrician for a second antibiotic shot.  this one was even more painful, in the other thigh, for some reason.  it makes me so sad to see those big tears roll down her cheeks.  we got back home for a few minutes - long enough for a snack and a wardrobe change - and then headed over to the ENT.  i immediately felt very comfortable at that doctors' office - it was efficient but friendly.  a tech came and grabbed us for e's hearing evaluation.  we sat in a little sound booth and she played sounds and jiggled little animals that would light up after the sound played.  as expected, emme's hearing is definitely compromised - they explained it like listening to the world with wads of cotton in your ear or being underwater.  then, we met the doctor.  he showed me some pictures of what her ears look like compared to healthy ears and basically said we could get her back to good with a five minute surgery.  so, tubes will happen this coming monday.  i'm not thrilled about the anesthesia (is anyone?), but i will be super happy for my little bug to not have to deal with these ear infections anymore.  they said she will annunciate better and that her gait may change because her equilibrium will improve.  they said she may even sleep better, which is hilarious since she's such a great sleeper already.
around 11:30 we headed back to the house.  i had called e's school in the morning and they requested that i not bring her in if it was going to be past 11.  they really like to avoid disruption around meal/nap time, which i completely understand, but it's really really hard to try to balance a toddler running around your house with getting actual work done (i can't just take full days off unless i really need them or plan them in advance), and it's kind of annoying on days like today, considering what we pay in tuition.  anyway - sorry for the vent.  she went down for her nap right when we got home - she was totally worn out from the morning.  i scrambled to catch up from everything i'd missed that morning - like a bazillion emails and requests from all over the place.  i was hoping for a three hour nap so i could get through one of my afternoon conference calls before she woke up, but no such luck.  up by 1:30, i got lunch ready for her between replying to emails and analyzing spreadsheets.  lame.  then came time for my 2:00 conference call.  i did the only thing i could think of - turned on the tv.  i had snacks, milk, and her pillow there for her with loony tunes on, but for the next hour i tried to listen to everyone banter on speaker phone while trying to placate a super fussy, needy emme.  i think her injection site was hurting her, plus her ears, plus her two new teeth, plus the disruption in her routine and her too-short nap.  it was pure chaos.  so much so that i had to IM justin and ask him to come relieve me because i knew there was no way i could handle my 4:00 conference call in the same manner.
by the time he got home, our house had turned in to a den of meltdown.  justin walked in and was like WHAT happened here?  you know it's bad if he notices the insanity.  the living rooms looked like twin cyclones had passed through them - sharpies scattered everywhere, paper, mail, random items emme picks up and drops off on a whim, and every toy in our home splayed throughout the floor.  at one point i looked at emme and she had found the lid to a jar of cat treats and was gnawing on it.  seriously.
there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable and frustrated than not being able to devote my energy or attention to whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing.  it reminds me of grad school, when i felt like i was always sacrificing one thing to accommodate another and i was never 100% anywhere or at anything.  i often feel like this is the hallmark of the working mother...is that just me?  i love working, but sometimes it's really inconvenient to have people other than your family depending on you for stuff.  ha.  and it absolutely breaks my heart to not be able to drop everything and attend to my baby when she is sad or distressed about something.
anyway.  i got through my calls, got dinner ready for ek, got her bathed, and then we put her in the stroller for an evening walk and some fresh air.  that helped a lot.  once she was down, we straightened up and got our own dinner together.  it wasn't so bad, really.  it's just that feeling of being torn that i really hate.  it makes me feel so incompetent.