making some changes.

i have written about this a little in my personal journals and other places i don't share with the whole universe because this blog feels like a place for family stuff and pictures of my kids making weird faces. but, i'm the boss of what goes into this blog, and, honestly, it's the easiest place for me to chronicle what the haps is with our family, but also with my own life. me, being the author of this and whatnot. and also...i'm not a facebook sharer, really, especially not personal stuff, but i like the idea of some level of accountability or putting it all out into the universe.

so. the past...6 months? year? lifetime? i've been struggling a little bit. i have atrocious self esteem when it comes to my physical appearance. i can logic and reason through it all, but fundamentally, deep deep down in my heart, i am destructively critical of myself (particularly in the physical arena, although it extends beyond that a little bit too). beyond reason. beyond rational thought.

and here's the deal: it sucks. it is sucking the energy and joy out of me. it's interfering with all kinds of aspects of my life. and it is a horrendous example to my kidlets (even though i try super hard not to vocalize the negative self-talk, some elements of it eek into everything, and they are like wee adorable sponges that will inevitably soak it all up). and i'm freaking tired of it. i'm tired of hearing myself brush aside any compliment (verbally or mentally), tired of talking about how i used to look or that time when i was sorta kinda in shape. it needs to stop.

which brings me to now. i'm on a quest (meant to start this quest in january, but i didn't and that's ok) for self-healing. i need to heal my body from the abuses i've put it through (all the food i want, whenever i want, whatever it is), but i really really need to heal my mind from the barrage of awful self-talk i deal with minute-by-minute.

so what am i going to do? i'm going to take care of myself. i'm doing a whole30, starting today. for real. no excuses, just healing, good, real food. i'm going to move my body around every day - take the dogs for walks, chase the kids, have baby dance parties, do some sun salutations. i'm not going to criticize my inability to complete a crossfit workout today - i'm just going to do something every day. i'm going to drink a lot of water. i'm going to meditate. i'm going to read some healing, lovely words and i'm going to read some words that light my brain up. i'm going to love on my family and friends when i can and when i want to, and i'm going to give myself space to be by myself and focus internally when i need it. and i'm going to write, hopefully more than just sometimes.