having it all.

i've been thinking a lot lately about having it all.  i think about it when i'm sifting through dirty cloth diapers to make sure all the inserts were separated before i wash them.  i think about it when i'm washing the parts of my pump for the billionth time so i can make sure to have clean gear for making emme's food at work.  i think about it when i'm trying to wrangle all the bottles so she has clean ones to eat from when i'm gone and for me to pump into.  i think about it when i'm strapping weird gear to myself while shut into my office and feeling like a strange alien.  and i think about it when i'm being spit up on for the 4th time in a single feeding right after i've finally showered and changed into a clean top.

i haven't done any significant exercise since the little nibs was born - in fact, i can't even imagine when i would squeeze in an hour for a run (or a fast walk....).  my sewing machine is gathering dust in the laundry room even though i have like 27 project ideas i want to work on.  my culinary adventures consist of throwing frozen vegetables in a crockpot.  my eyebrows aren't waxed or even tweezed and my hair lives most of its life in a ponytail.  the dogs still get love and exercise, but not as much of either as they (or i) would like.  justin and i have our most in-depth conversations via email while at work.  and my friends and family, well...i'm trying, but i am sure i'm falling way short of the mark on that front too.  

the truth about all of this is that i'm happier and more fulfilled now than i can ever remember being.  i believe i've always been a relatively happy person - there are some notable exceptions, but the overarching experience of my life has been a happy one.  and these days that are rushing by in a blur of work and house work and ill-fitting clothes....each one of them is a little treasure in my heart.  the quick sit-down for a bite to eat after emme has gone to bed.  the open-mouthed grin with a throaty coo mid-nursing.  the warmth of little bitty clothes, fresh from the dryer.  the sweet squeaks that wake me up in the middle of the night.  

the promise of the feminist movement and, later, my generation of entitled and self-proclaimed "gifted" boomers' kids was that we could have it all and make it look easy.  climb the corporate ladder, dress like you're in a vogue (or at the very least real simple) spread, have babies that are polite and clean and well-adjusted.  not to mention have passionate and selfless marriages, host elaborate dinner parties, hone interesting hobbies, and keep up with world events and current literature.  or maybe this is all just my interpretation...a telltale sign of my enduring quest for perfection and my exhaustively high standards.  in any case, this promise (or this pipe-dream) is much more real in real life.  ha.  but i love it.  the little details beneath the veneer - the gamut between the spit-up and the toothless smiles - are the things that are interesting and good and true.  having it all is in the perspective.