i have a lot of lists. on paper, yes, but mostly in my brain. lists of projects i want to start or complete, ideas for short stories i never write, stuff i need to pick up at the grocery store, recipes to invent, stuff i want to do before i die, songs that i should download and put on a hypothetical running mix, restaurants i'd like to try, books i want to read. the list goes on - a list of lists.
i've been in a pretty good place mentally lately, i think. it's hard for me to admit when i'm not in a good mental place, even though i'm also pretty sure it's obvious when that is the case. i have a hard time with self-care of all kinds. but. i've been exercising semi-consistently (at least 3 times a week) for several weeks now. it has helped tremendously with my B factor. as in, i'm way less of a B. i think. or, i feel like less of a B. anyway. this is the first time in my life i'm completely willing to admit that there is something behind this alleged science of workouts/energy/positivity/etc. so i guess this means i have to keep it up.
the other thing that's been helping tremendously is that i've been reading peaceful parents, happy kids by dr. laura markham. and also her website, aha parenting. i mean, whoa. i haven't become some exceptional parent overnight. but her writing and advice is so actionable and logical to me. my yelling has diminished precipitously over the last several weeks, which is creating this amazing feedback loop where the kids aren't as buck-wild and i don't beat myself up all the time and then get more strung out because i'm such a terrible mom and then rinse, repeat. it's really changed my life ALREADY...and we're only a couple weeks in. AND i only got jb to finally read, like, one article a few days ago. and that has made another huge difference. emme is like a different child, blossoming in this glow of acceptance and play and empathy. it's remarkable.
so now if we can only figure out how to get hollis to sleep past 4am...