55.

the other night, we did letter work in ek's room after hollis went to bed.  she is really starting to recognize letters (though the only ones we have are lower case, which are way harder and not what she's accustomed to at school) and she is quite good at giving the starting sound and then telling us examples of what else starts with that.  in montessori, they learn the alphabet, but when they're learning letters for practical use at this age, they learn them as sounds.  so, T is learned as ta (the sound it makes in the word) instead of as tee.  and so on.

anyway...when it was time to pick up, i held open the bag and had her count all the letters as she was putting them back in (hoping it would motivate her to do it without too much complaint).  i figured we'd get to 15 or 18 and then just start over.  but she just kept right on going.  for all 55 letters.  she needed a little help here and there (she has a tendency to skip the 7s - 27, 37, etc, and she wasn't quite sure about 40), but she TOTALLY got it.

i love watching new things click into place in her brain.  and i am so amazed at how she learns and how i can not think about counting for a few weeks and she's more than halfway to 100.

gruene.

this past weekend, my friend amber turned 40 (!).  that's a pretty big deal, so she rented a house on the river in gruene and we moseyed on down, boots in tow.  the afternoon was spent lunching, strolling, and wandering into random shops.  we ended up drinking coffee and chatting by the river until it was time to strap on those boots and head to dinner.  dancing followed dinner and a super late night of hilariousness followed all of that.  i last looked at my clock at 4:42 (what?) and then woke up at 7:12.  ah, the sleep habits of a mom.

it was really fun.  honestly, i was on the fence about going.  i didn't know many of the girls well, and i don't leave the kids if i don't have to, ever.  in fact, this was the first night jb has had both kids solo, ever i think.  but while i was there, it was really good.  i am not unhappy in my current life - at all.  but being on my own, in a small town with nothing i had to do...i could feel the layers of responsibility skin starting to peel off of me.  not enough, and not in any permanent way, but it was good to get a slight glimpse of just...me.

everyone changes when they have children.  duh.  but i have changed a lot more than i expected.  and not always for the best.  i worry and fret and obsess over my kids to my own detriment.  i read stuff about putting myself first and creating me-time and i roll my eyes because...i don't see how, and most days it feels like i may be completely lost anyway.  too much effort to try to dig my self out from under all the things.

saturday's night out didn't unlock the mystery or give me any kind of solution.  but it did offer me a small glimmer of hope that i might be worth the effort of trying to rediscover.

moon discovery.

this morning, the moon was still out when we got into the car to head to school.  emme has always loved the moon, and she especially loves when it's out during the day.  as we were getting into the car, she pointed up and let me know it was still out.  hollis's head whipped around and he looked up, pointed with great intention and shouted "DAT!".  it was awesome.  this is the first day he definitively noticed the moon and he talked about it for much of the ride to school.

home with ek.

yesterday when i picked the kids up from school, emme was lying in the "library" area at school.  she was super quiet and i could tell she had a low grade fever and she told me her head hurt.  i got her home and her temp was 101, so i gave her ibuprofen.  she crawled into her bed and promptly fell fast asleep.  this was at 5:30, so she missed dance class.  she woke up right around 8 to pee and change into her jammies, but she had no energy at all and was back to sleep within minutes.

this morning i went into her room right before 7.  i wanted to let her sleep, but of course i had started freaking myself out by reading stuff about lethargy on the internet (my first thought: meningitis.  i'm a crazy person.).  fun fact from my research: lethargy is really when someone is nearly impossible to wake up.  being more tired than usual or not having energy/spunk is just depleted/normal sickness, not actual lethargy (which is super serious and requires immediate medical attention).  anyway...she was great this morning.  hopping around, happy, fever free, eating.  but, because today was a relatively low-key day at work (and i was planning to work from home anyway), i opted to keep her home.  she picked out her outfit, as usual, but with no guidelines from me at all today (usually i have to give parameters like you have to wear sneakers or long sleeves or whatever).  she let me know mardi gras is soon.  and also, her sock/shoe combination is my favorite ever.

so big.

my dude isn't walking independently yet.  getting close, but he still needs a finger or two.  monday he climbed our entire ladder on the playscape by himself.  obviously, justin was standing in close proximity, but he didn't even need a spotter.

i love you very much.

this weekend, emme woke up earlier than hollis (well, he had been up but gone back down in his own bed) and was cuddling in bed with me.  h started squawking, so jb went to grab him and bring him to the snuggle party we were having.  i asked ek whether she wanted him to lie between her and me or on my other side.  she said "he can lay right here because i love him very much".

at night lately, ek is on a mission to delay bedtime as much as possible.  we have a ridiculously elaborate routine and i feel like she adds a new piece onto the routine every night.  the past week or so, the final piece de resistance as i'm walking out the door is her telling me she needs to tell me a secret.  i go back to her bed and she stage whispers directly into my ear "after you go to sleep will you come get me in my bed when you wake up?"

this morning i was standing in ek's doorway, holding hollis as he ranted because he woke up too early (again) and just wanted to be in my neck.  she noticed my new grey toms (finally replaced my 6 year-old holey red toms) and said "mommy, are those your new shoes?".  i said yep!  her response "oh.  i kind of hate them a little bit.  but just a teeny tiny bit".  tough crowd.

happy valentine's day.

valentine's day is not a holiday i care much about, but i try to acknowledge it in some small way, especially because ek is at an age where it's fun and cute.  the kids' school doesn't allow valentine exchange (although that may have changed - several kids were handing them out this morning, so i felt like a terrible mom), but they do a valentine's day tea with the kidlets, so i did that with ek this morning at drop off.  they make a coffee cake and the kids serve herbal tea and coffee cake to the parents, then wash the dishes.  it's really cute.  before school, ek's breakfast was strawberry chobani with heart-shaped strawberries in a red silicon muffin tin.  not the most elaborate v-day breakfast, but an attempt nonetheless.  she seemed to like it.  hollis just went with cheerios.

bushy bushy tail.

last night when ek was getting ready for bed after dance, she stripped down naked (this kid loves to be naked).  she grabbed her underwear out of her drawer and stuck it between her legs, coming out the back near her bum.  then she waddled towards me, cackling, saying "look, i have a bushy bushy tail!".

everything.

some days everything feels much harder than it needs to be.  or than it actually is, probably.  these days frequently coincide with a lack of quality sleep the night before.

today i invited mandy and ben over for dinner and completely forgot that it's wednesday, which means it's dance night for ek.  i also forgot to order her tap shoes, so she will be without tap shoes for the tap portion again this week.  we will figure this out (justin will take her to class and i already placed the order on amazon prime, so we'll be good to go next week), but it's just...more difficult than necessary.

this morning i was putting on my moisturizer and i accidentally globbed it all over the lid, then dropped the globbed lid onto my pajama pants and then into the hamper.

also this morning, hollis was a cranky pants.  he woke up at 4:30ish (only a small part of my lack of quality sleep) and never really settled back down.  he typically wakes early but will crash back out snuggled in our bed until we wake him some time around 7 or 7:30.  that didn't happen this morning so he was just squawking at me all morning about every single thing.  he's a really really loud squawker.  finally, as we were heading out the door and i was trying to get everyone's lunches and clothes and my computer and the car started so it would be warm and turn off lights and zip ek's hoodie and and and....it was too much.  so i shouted.  something along the lines of "HOLLIS.  PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE, BE QUIET".  he got quiet.  and now, nearly five hours later, i'm still feeling guilty about that.

i've been reading all these mom articles lately - SAHMs vs WMs vs living in the moment etc etc etc.  i read one last night about how my wishing-it-would-move-faster moments are someone else's wish-i-could-get-those-back moments.  i disagree.  i don't really wish anything with my kids moved faster...i wish everything else in the world (the demands, the jobs, the dirty floors) moved more SLOWLY so i could just be.  with the kids.  with my self.  with my life.

babies (not the human ones).

emme is obsessed with babies.  babies being stuffed animals, baby dolls, and the like.  obsessed.  she carries around and sleeps with a pack of about a million.  and by a million, i mean 19.  actual 19 - i counted tonight.  that is a lot.

so, tonight justin was bathing the kidlets and i was changing their sheets and restoring some semblance of order in their rooms.  i put all of ek's babies on a bench in her room and decided we need to reel this in a little bit.  we told her that the new rule is she can pick which four babies she wants to sleep with every night.  she tolerated this remarkably well.  tonight she picked big baby, little baby, kevin, and floppity.  as she was crawling into bed she said "i might probably get some other babies in the night".  we'll see who's in bed in the morning.

oh, also, we were reading her frozen book tonight (another obsession).  she said "mommy, do you remember when we saw frozen together at the movie elevator?"  love.

weekend things.

this weekend was super busy and fun.  we spent lots of time with friends - old and new.  it was also glorious outside, in preparation for yet another week of cold rainy-ness.  i'm good with it during the week, although if we have another "snow" day this week, it will be the fourth week in a row, and that is definitely some sort of record.

emme was hilarious this weekend.  she is still super bossy and bit defiant, and we are working on all of those things, but she's just been...easier lately.  who knows why?  maybe we have actually chilled out with her just a little bit.  a few things she said this weekend:

- (i asked her to get a plate/cup for herself and hollis): "i don't like your attitude" and then she burst out laughing.

- (when recounting the day before bed last night): "it was really cloggy this morning and the whole sky was grey!" (cloggy = foggy).

- she was telling me how she was teaching hollis to share by yelling SHARE at him.  i told her sometimes we like to teach by showing rather than yelling.  "yeah, but i just told him because i'm a girl and girls are just girls sometimes, you know?"

more than what she is saying, the way she says everything these days is too much.  she's constantly got one hand on her hip and is such the boss.  she also loves to talk while looking in the mirror and she makes faces at herself constantly.

oh, and saturday morning she slept until almost 8 and woke up singing "mommy the snowman" at the very tip top of her lungs.

here are too many fun pics from our weekend adventures.

zucchini soup.

last night i made this soup.  it was delicious.  clean-tasting and filling and warm and yummy.  emme liked it.  hollis refuses to be fed by a spoon, so he focused on the butternut squash instead.

ingredients:
- coconut oil
- chopped small onion
- 4-5 cloves of garlic
- salt, pepper, ground ginger (or fresh)
- 4-5 zucchini
- chicken broth (4 cups)

sautee onion and garlic in coconut oil until lightly browned/translucent. add salt, pepper, and ginger to taste.  toss in zucchini then pour chicken broth in.  bring to a boil.  cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until zucchini are very soft.  this took me about 20 minutes or so, but may take longer.  cutting the zucchini smaller helps it go faster.  when everything is soft, whip out your immersion blender and blend everything until smooth.  serve hot, topped with some chives or scallions or a dash of sesame oil.  next time, i'll add a little more salt and a little more ginger.

wednesday.

yesterday and monday emme came home from school saying that a couple of her buddies told her they don't want to be her friend anymore because she's bad.  i asked her what she did when they said that and she said she told them she wasn't bad, walked away, and went to find some new buddies to play with.  yesssss.  that is an appropriate response.

in sixth grade i became friends with a group of girls who teased, belittled and broke me down little by little every day. there were good days too, but my overwhelming impression of middle and high school are of feeling horrible about myself - like i didn't deserve to have people like me or respect me, like i was unworthy in almost every way. the treatment was so terrible that my mom told me one of the girl's mothers called my parents during high school to tell them how bad it was, but what could they do? the catch-22 of an experience like that, especially one that starts so young, is that it seeps into your being and makes it even more difficult to get away. the most important thing is to remove yourself from that situation, but the systematic (whether intentional or not) breakdown of any sense of esteem makes it impossible. better to have "friends" who treat you like crap than to have no friends at all, right?

i still bear the emotional scars from these formative experiences. until very recently, i even kept somewhat in touch with several of these girls - every interaction dredging up that same feeling of less-than, of unworthiness. i am quite sure they've had an influence over so many things in my life, from jobs to relationships to other friendships (many of which were a devastating echo of these formative ones). i don't want to be overly dramatic about it, but bullying (even subtle bullying) is pretty impactful.

so. the idea that this type of behavior - this categorizing of my child (or anyone's) as "good" or "bad" - starts at the tender age of three...it kills me. i get that not everyone deserves a trophy. that life is tough and you're not always going to be surrounded by people who adore you. it's important to learn how to stand up for yourself at an early age, to be aware of the kind of treatment that makes you feel good or bad, to know that you have a say in tolerating it or not. as eleanor roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". but this kind of talk, this treatment of one's "friends" is insidious. she won't always come home and tell me what so-and-so said. she may not always be tough enough to walk away, to choose other friends. i hope she is, and i hope i am strong enough to encourage her. i hope we can step in and fight these battles for her when necessary. and above all, i hope she is never the one calling her friends bad.

feeding mommy.

hollis still isn't eating much, despite the fact that his teachers said he ate all the food we packed for him yesterday. he's not eating in front of me, at least. last night at dinner, we had chicken and steamed carrots and sauteed spinach - all things he loves - and he was having none of it. he was squawking about the whole thing, so i picked him up to put him on my lap, hoping he might take a few bites off my plate. no dice, but he did decide to feed me, which was hilarious and the cutest thing ever. he would shovel like 4 or 5 bites of carrot into my mouth and then just laugh and laugh.

also last night, emme got to open a pair of shoes that daddy bought for her. this kid is so girly sometimes - she loves shoes and dresses. who knows where she gets that, because it's definitely not from me. anyway...she LOVED these fancy shoes and wore them until bath time. this morning when she woke up, the first thing she whispered to me was "mommy, i love my new shoes". she was not thrilled that it was raining today so we vetoed her wearing them to school.

as an aside, i went to candlelight yoga last night with alison. it's the first full yoga practice i've done since before i got pregnant for emme and i can barely move my shoulders from all the vinyasas. i had forgotten how physically and mentally challenging yoga is, in the best way possible. i wish it weren't so expensive. i set my intention to be kinder to myself. i think i'm going to need to do a lot more yoga to get there.

things emme says.

i don't want to forget these:

- reggly (regular)
- gov - vowel pronounced like bob (gave)
- turtle dubs (turtle doves)
- glubs (gloves)
- mr. tomato face (ms. potato head)
- a fall vegetable (for any sort of festival)
- temote (remote)

i know there are lots more of these.  i need to be better about writing them down.

a saturday mostly about poop.

saturday was a funny day. hollis was up in the night (again) with his cough. i brought him to bed with me and nursed him, assuming that he'd fall asleep quickly (which he usually does)...but instead, he choked on all the mucus he's got floating around in his head right now and then proceeded to vomit/spit up all over me/himself/my bed. fun.  it was 2-something in the morning, so i just stripped him down to his diaper, laid a towel over the wet spot, and let him fall asleep on my body to help calm down his breathing. poor boy. if someone had told me before having kids that i would one day just lay a towel over a big pile of spit up and then sleep on top of it, i would have been horrified. 

when i finally became semi-functional on saturday morning (after consuming approximately one whole pot of coffee), emme pooped her pants. in the nearly 1.5 years of being potty-trained, i think she's pooped her pants like 4 times, all of which were very early on in the process. so, this was unexpected. i tried not to shame her, but i was also pretty bummed out about poop in her big-girl pants with our laundry facility currently compromised by the den renovation. i calmed down fast (really working on this in 2014), fortunately, because 37 seconds after i was done helping her get cleaned up, i noticed hollis making his poop face. good news, since he hadn't pooped in like 4-5 days because he's been sick. i swooped him up and was rewarded with a glob of poop on my hand from the back of his diaper. i carried him gingerly to his changing table where i had him stand so i could deal with a diaper that looked like someone had dumped a whole can of hormel chili into it. he is not a fan of the lay-down diaper change, so i was trying to accommodate that in addition to the aforementioned poop-up-the-back sitch we were dealing with. well. shockingly enough, he decided to sit directly onto his pants/changing pad cover when i was only 3-4 wipes in (this was easily a 7-wipe scenario). so i just brought him to the bathtub. i had to laugh because, seriously, what else can you do with that much poop on your hands (literally and figuratively)?

later in the morning, the kidlets and i drove downtown/east side to drop off a chair we're having reupholstered. there was a random mini-festival going on with a band and sidewalk chalk, so we got out to play for a little while. i will focus on the fact that i did something spontaneous and fun with my two kids and that ek had a fantastic time dancing while hollis thoroughly enjoyed chewing on balls and watching all the activity. i will not focus on what happened when emme ran away from me twice without stopping/flinching when i was screaming at her to stop. nor on the scene we made when i had to drag her bodily back to the car. sigh. you win some, you lose some.