wednesday.

yesterday and monday emme came home from school saying that a couple of her buddies told her they don't want to be her friend anymore because she's bad.  i asked her what she did when they said that and she said she told them she wasn't bad, walked away, and went to find some new buddies to play with.  yesssss.  that is an appropriate response.

in sixth grade i became friends with a group of girls who teased, belittled and broke me down little by little every day. there were good days too, but my overwhelming impression of middle and high school are of feeling horrible about myself - like i didn't deserve to have people like me or respect me, like i was unworthy in almost every way. the treatment was so terrible that my mom told me one of the girl's mothers called my parents during high school to tell them how bad it was, but what could they do? the catch-22 of an experience like that, especially one that starts so young, is that it seeps into your being and makes it even more difficult to get away. the most important thing is to remove yourself from that situation, but the systematic (whether intentional or not) breakdown of any sense of esteem makes it impossible. better to have "friends" who treat you like crap than to have no friends at all, right?

i still bear the emotional scars from these formative experiences. until very recently, i even kept somewhat in touch with several of these girls - every interaction dredging up that same feeling of less-than, of unworthiness. i am quite sure they've had an influence over so many things in my life, from jobs to relationships to other friendships (many of which were a devastating echo of these formative ones). i don't want to be overly dramatic about it, but bullying (even subtle bullying) is pretty impactful.

so. the idea that this type of behavior - this categorizing of my child (or anyone's) as "good" or "bad" - starts at the tender age of three...it kills me. i get that not everyone deserves a trophy. that life is tough and you're not always going to be surrounded by people who adore you. it's important to learn how to stand up for yourself at an early age, to be aware of the kind of treatment that makes you feel good or bad, to know that you have a say in tolerating it or not. as eleanor roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". but this kind of talk, this treatment of one's "friends" is insidious. she won't always come home and tell me what so-and-so said. she may not always be tough enough to walk away, to choose other friends. i hope she is, and i hope i am strong enough to encourage her. i hope we can step in and fight these battles for her when necessary. and above all, i hope she is never the one calling her friends bad.