edie at 6 months.

somehow my little caboose is six months old now. as much as i absolutely adore this age, time is moving entirely too fast for my liking. it's been fast for each kid, of course, but it feels even more non-stop this time, i guess because the other two are so big and busy these days.

anyway. we went to the doctor last monday and her stats were:
height: 26"
weight: 16lbs. 3oz.
head: 45cm

so she's my littlest baby at this current juncture. had i realized this, i probably would have asked the doctor if her growth curve is ok, but she seems super happy and healthy, so i'm going to try to just be cool with it...

what else? edie is rolling - loves getting on to her tummy from her back, but is more hesitant to roll back over (even though she's fully capable). the sitting is getting stronger. she's capable of sitting in tripod for a bit, but is often too wiggly to stay there for long. miss jeanie and i try putting her in her high chair for 10 minutes at a time or so and she's getting better about tolerating that.

we introduced her first food (avocado!) on february 3rd. i think she liked it? it's so hard to tell at this age. since then, she's had banana, coconut, grapes, carrots, and a bite of red lentil soup that i made. i love feeding infants - it's such a fun phase. so far i don't think she's wild about anything, but she doesn't really hate anything yet either. she goes for food with gusto, but once it's actually in her mouth, she can get kind of mad about it. ha.

anyway. sleep is all over the place. i blame myself. i'm so exhausted these days, mentally and physically, that i just haven't mustered up the energy to sleep train her. i need to get on that, but it may have to wait until mid-march when jb and the bigs are away. i don't want to do cry it out, but i know some degree of crying will be involved and it's just super hard to do that when there are other people around (and it's just generally so upsetting to see her upset). i'll get there, just...probably not today.

miss jeanie continues to be a total blessing. i can't even imagine what i would be like if i didn't have her helping me hold it all together at the house.

i'm sure there are other things, but i'm at work and i'm tired (sensing a theme here). i absolutely adore this baby, though. she is magic. her wiggles and her boisterous personality light up my whole life these days. i'm very lucky to have these precious mongrels, all three of them.

edie is almost four months old.

my poor third child. so much has happened in the past almost 3 months and i have not documented a thing. i'm so sorry. the good news is, it has nothing to do with the amount you're loved and doted on. in fact, i would argue that we spend the majority of our time being in love and that leaves little other time for things like writing about your days.

but, for posterity, i will try to capture some things.

you are laughing, which started a few weeks ago (november 5, actually). you're still figuring it out, but holy geez it is some cute business. you love it when i growl and kiss your neck or your belly and it makes you do this little giggle squeak that is really just too much.

you are cooing and growling up a storm. you squeal and talk a lot, especially when we're looking at you on your blanket on the floor or on your changing table. you looooove being on your changing table, naked preferably. you dig your little heels in and try to launch yourself around and you generally just talk and smile and kick like a madman.

your sleep is not ideal these days, but that's ok. truthfully, my going back to work has been a big and difficult transition for both of us. you love miss jeanie (your nanny), but you don't love taking a bottle, which leads to napping trouble, which leads to cranky times...you get the idea. it's a feedback loop. but we will get there! i've been swaddling you since the day you were born and i think you're about over that, so we are just going to figure out how to ride through this time and it will all work out! i did buy you a new thing called a zipadee zip that promises to be the answer to all things sleep, so we shall see. i'm told there's also a sleep regression around 4 months, so maybe that's also part of this whole thing? who knows. sleep is a weird, elusive thing, but both your siblings learned how to sleep and (mostly) love it, and i believe you will too. also, you're so freaking beautiful when you're sleeping (all the time, really) that i know you will begin to embrace it.

what else? your eyes are still crossed, but i think the patching is helping. you have an ophthalmologist appointment on thursday, so we will see what the doc says. you love nursing and aren't a huge fan of the bottle, but i know you and miss jeanie will overcome that soon. you're a huge fan of being held and talked to - as long as someone is making eye contact and having a conversation with you, you're a happy camper. you looooove your mama, which makes me beyond happy, but you also really love your siblings and your daddy a lot too, as it should be.

we all just adore you, little wiggles. we are so happy you're part of our family. 

one month.

oh man. a whole month has gone by since our sweet edie cakes was born, and what a month it has been. i seriously cannot imagine life without this child - what was our family like before she was here? it's so weird.

i haven't been great about documenting each moment like i did with emme. i don't think i've even been as semi-consistent as i was with hollis. but that is just a result of life as it is now with three kidlets. anyway. i do want to jot down a few things now while they are fresh.

edith my sweet baby love. you are a treasure, for real. you rarely cry and you are super happy to be wherever you are. we should all take a lesson from you on that. my most favorite times are when you're milk drunk and passed out on my chest, nuzzled up in my neck. you smell like a baby and your skin is magically soft and i just adore your little frog legs and your snorkels.

you're a super quiet baby in general. your breathing is so calm and quiet, and you rarely cry. when you do cry, it takes you a minute to work it up - your whole face scrunches and turns super pink first, like you're really trying to convince yourself to cry. the exception to your quiet nature (for now) is when i try to put you back down during the night after a nursing session. you will root and grunt and snorkel so loudly i'm sure that no one will be able to go back to sleep. that is when i usually just get back up with you and we hang out until you're ready to go back down.

your night sleep is pretty great. you only get up once or twice, but that middle of the night feed is a marathon. it's usually 45 minutes + of nursing, with other shenanigans thrown in there so that the two of us are up for way too long in the 2-3am vicinity. we'll work on that over the next few months, eh?

the whole family is absolutely in love with you. hollis and emme talk to you and about you constantly. hollis asks to hold you multiple times every day. i'm pretty sure today, september 3, was your first smile while you were looking at your sweet sister. your daddy has to basically pry you away from me, and he's super happy to hold you and pet your head and back for as long as you'll let him. even the dogs can't resist giving you a kiss or two when you're close to their level.

i'm enjoying this newborn time with you in a way i wasn't able to with the other kiddos, and i'm super grateful for that. i want time to slow down. i am so thankful that you're here and that you're ours. you are magic, sweet girl.

edie's first few days - pics.

edith hesterly browne.

telling the story of how a new human joins the world is overwhelming. we welcomed our sweet edie on friday, august 4, 2017 at 8:37 pm. but let me back up.

on tuesday, the 1st, i went to the doctor for my 38 week appointment. at the previous week's appointment, i was still measuring ahead a little bit, and they did an ultrasound that showed a ~7lb-ish baby and a lot of amniotic fluid. they said we'd measure again the next week. so we did another ultrasound and the fluid was still high. we also did another NST and she did fine but took longer to "pass" than she had the following week. when i got in to see the provider, she started talking about gestational diabetes and recommended an induction that night.

based on my experience with hollis's induction, i knew i had to push back a little bit. i used the excuse of my birthday on the 2nd to see how much of an "emergency" it was to get her out. the provider said we could wait, but only until thursday. hmmm. i asked for the weekend and she said no and that i needed to monitor my blood sugar (it never spiked and was totally fine through delivery).

my birthday was a great day. i got a prenatal massage while mandy and nicole watched the big kids. all three of us took a nap. justin and i got some yummy takeout for dinner. i got lots of calls and texts and sweet emails from family and friends. it was low-key, but turning 36 and being 38 weeks pregnant, i figured it would be anyway.

the afternoon of my birthday, jillian took me to get a pedicure and the ob's office called to tell me my induction was scheduled thursday night at 9pm. whew. thursday arrived and justin was able to stay home from work, thankfully. i went to another doctor's appointment where they confirmed the call to induce. i was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced, so i was hoping to make a little progress over the course of the day. i got home and went wild cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. i was not thrilled about being induced, but i also felt like i had no choice. i could write a whole post on medical care and the fear mongering that happens during such a sensitive and emotional time, but that's a different story.

anyway. we ate dinner and bathed the kids and got them to bed with promises that daddy would be there to get them in the morning, ready to meet their baby sister. jb and i sat on the couch to watch some tv and pass the time waiting to head to the hospital. right as our neighbor was getting to our house to pull the overnight shift, the hospital called; they said they were super busy and to call back at 10. ummm, what? so we sent faye home and went for a walk. i was having tons of anxiety - at this point, i hadn't slept since the previous night and i was nervous about not even getting to the hospital until almost midnight and then trying to get things going. but that's what we attempted to do.

faye came back over at 9:40 and we headed to the hospital. we walked up to the check-in area in L&D at 10 and proceeded to get fussed at by the intake nurse. she was like "you were supposed to CALL at 10, not just show up!". i was pretty upset. i mean, either it is medically necessary to induce me or it's not, right? anyway. they stuck us in the waiting room. we sat there for about 20 minutes and justin was like...we just need to go home. so he went and talked to them and they said to show up again between 7 and 8 friday morning. we turned around and drove back home - the best decision ever.

i didn't sleep a ton thursday night (of course), but definitely got more rest than i would have at the hospital. the kids were mega confused in the morning (hollis: "where's my baby sister?"), but we had a chance to explain the situation to them quickly and then head BACK to the hospital with them safely in faye's hands. they had a great day with faye and her kids, nanny mandy and her kids, and then kk and jj when they got into town.

at the hospital, they stuck us in the waiting room AGAIN, but only for a little bit. then they pulled us into a room and we began the longest slowest process ever. it was nearly 11am before i even saw the midwife. it was kathy and she was not super friendly or excited to be working with us, it seemed. she checked me and i was still only 3cm and she said i was not effaced at all. super demoralizing. but they started the pitocin and we were off. side note: kathy was unclear as to why we were inducing, which was super upsetting, but i couldn't focus on that because we were there and two of the other providers had said it needed to happen. still frustrating, though.

the pitocin was ok. i spent a lot of energy getting to a mental place where i thought i could handle being on that stuff again, and i think i really did pretty well. the contractions cranked up regularly, but they were really manageable. around 3 or 3:30, kathy came back in to check me again. she offered to not because she didn't want me to be discouraged, but i really wanted information. sadly, i was still at 3cm, but soft and thinning, maybe 50% she said. ugh. she said baby's head was still high and floating, so because she wasn't engaged, i wasn't dilating. because of the excess amniotic fluid, breaking my water was not an option because of the risk of a chord prolapse. but because of the excess fluid, there wasn't anything to help her descend. frustrating to say the least.

the other thing that happened around this time (i think) is that kathy said there was "something else" near the baby's head. ummm, what? as jb said...this is something you don't say to a woman in labor. she speculated the baby may have flipped to breech, so she got an ultrasound machine. thankfully, she was still head down, and kathy thought it was maybe just an arm in front of her head or something. in any case, this was additional discouraging information, as i knew it would be even harder for her head to engage if she had her arm in front of her face.

at this point, i sought the wisdom of the internet because i didn't feel like i was really getting suggestions from anywhere else. spinning babies suggested a move called the lift & tuck to help baby's head descend and engage. it consisted of standing and lifting my belly about 2 inches at the start of each contraction, then tilting my hips forward through the contraction. they said to do this for 10 contractions in a row, so i did. i don't know if this is what did it (by this point, the pit was up to 11), but by the end of that, the contractions were brutal and i was having some intense back labor and having to moan through each contraction. the contractions were also coming super frequently - like each minute - and felt like they were lasting an eternity. i also felt a trickle at whatever point and realized my water had started leaking, which i felt like was great but also made the contractions even worse.

around 6 or so was the end of kathy's shift and these mega contractions had been going on for over an hour. the leak had started right after 5pm, so i was hoping this had kicked some things into gear. kathy came in one last time and checked me and i was 4cm. kill me. i started getting super demoralized at that point, trying to calculate how much longer i could deal with contractions this close and this intense to get all the way to 10cm. yeesh.

a little later (time ceases to exist for me at this point), danielle, the new midwife on call, came in. she was amazing and i liked her immediately. she said i was maybe 4.5cm and i said i may want the epidural. i immediately began apologizing and she was like "you have absolutely nothing to prove". justin also reminded me that i was super codependent to be in the state i was in and apologizing to other people for wanting the epidural. ha.

the epidural gets ordered and what followed was the longest hour of my life. they pumped all the fluids in and i continued to have insane contractions every 20 seconds. finally FINALLY the anesthesiologist shows up and he's fast and all business. i was scared and also still having psychotic contractions, so that was all a bit intense, but he got it done. the relief was pretty much immediate and i could not believe it. i looked at justin and told him i could cry from how happy i was to have that relief. seriously amazing.

i chilled in the bed for maybe 30 minutes, relishing the difference between what had been going on and what was happening post-epidural. i could still move my feet and feel that contractions were happening, but it was like it was happening through a shield. at about this time, i told our nurse mandy that i was feeling pressure and may be ready to push soon. she got danielle a few minutes later.

when danielle checked, she said i was 9.5 cm and she could manually take me to 10 if i wanted. i said absolutely, let's do this. they got my legs up in the stirrups and jb held my right leg while mandy counted and danielle talked me through it all. pushing was very natural and we went through about 3 rounds of counting to 10 and her head was out. danielle delivered her shoulders and then told me i could grab her and pull her onto me, so i did. it was absolutely incredible. she cried for a couple of seconds and then calmed right down and i just rubbed her and looked at her while we let the cord pulse. justin cut the cord when it was done and we got to get a better look at her. she had a decent amount of vernix, and my immediate reaction was that she was way smaller than emme or hollis (they were both 7lbs 14oz). i guess you forget how tiny babies really are because when they weighed her a few minutes later, she was 8lbs 5oz, 21.25 inches. holy cow! her apgars were 8 and 9 and she was gloriously pink.

so that's it. 8:37pm after the longest day ever. i will never again talk about how short/fast my labors are. ha. it was rough but so unbelievably worth it. she is perfection and we are completely in love.

hi there 2017.

a lot has been going on. i mean, clearly in 6ish months some things are bound to happen. writing has not been one of those things, but i do miss the exercise of chronicling our lives and whatnot, so i am going to attempt to catch back up and re-commit to this little corner of the interwebs.

i lost my job in november. it was a routine layoff, part of the divestiture of my company away from dell. they laid off something like 1/3 of the employees, so i guess i was in good company. it still sucked. i think i have made it through all the stages of grief with that whole thing - probably not in order, but i am working on it. anyway. i've run the gamut of emotions from relief to devastation to complacency to self-doubt (times a million) to anger to...well, you get the idea. i thought i would jump right back into the workforce without really having to try, but that hasn't been the case.

shortly after getting laid off, i found out i was pregnant. again. after four losses in 2016. so, needless to say, there was a lot of mental and emotional stuff there. i had switched doctors after my fourth miscarriage because i felt like my former practice (that i loved) was not taking my situation seriously at all and i knew i could not abide another loss. i had some tests run in september and everything looked fine, thankfully. my new doctor prescribed progesterone for when/if i became pregnant again. she recommended taking it beginning with a positive pregnancy test along with a baby aspirin. so i did. and it worked. and now here i am, 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. it feels like a miracle, though i guess life is always a miracle, right?

anyway. between those two major events/shifts happening concurrently, public discussion of what's going on (i.e. blogging) hasn't seemed ideal. i felt pretty terrible and also quite terrified for the bulk of the first trimester. and then i was trying to get hired somewhere asap before i started showing in the second trimester. and now...well, now i am trying to get hired in the mid-late second trimester while sporting a sweet belly. the universe works in mysterious ways.

i have had some amazing support and solidarity (justin, many of the friends who've been "in the know", my family), and some disappointingly, very upsettingly unsupportive encounters. i waffle between the intense desire to explain myself (i know how babies are made; yes, this was planned - maybe not the timing, but the baby for sure; the layoff wasn't expected; i really do like/need to work and taking a year off BEFORE a baby is born is not ideal; how would you feel in my situation; etc.) and the very real feeling that it's nobody's business. i guess pregnancy is normally filled with all the feelings, and this one is no exception, even if the feelings are different/bigger than i would have anticipated.

so those are the big things. beyond that, we had some incredible holidays, hollis turned four, emme has rocked her kindergarten year, and we are generally extremely happy and healthy and thankful for everything that's going on in this sweet little life of ours. i'll back date some pictures and other updates soon.

election 2016.

my dear children,

i have spent the better part of this past week trying to write this letter to you. and the conclusion i've come to is this: i have no conclusions yet.

on november 8, our country elected donald trump as the next president. he will likely be the first president either of you remember, and that makes me sad. it makes me sad because this man won on a platform of fear, hate, and lies; a platform that pitted americans against each other; a platform that reaffirmed something i hoped we were slowly slowly moving past as a country: that those who are in power will remain so, and have no responsibility to those with less/no power. he managed to stand up this platform without any real solutions or policy agendas or plans, and he won in spite of a "majority" of americans voting for someone else. i am not sure how to teach you about fairness in the aftermath of this.

here is what i know: if either of you said the things donald trump has said on his campaign, i would be horrified and ashamed. if either of you sought to exploit and oppress huge swaths of the population for your own gains, i would feel like i had failed you as a mother and a human being.

so what now? thankfully, you are young. over the next four years, you will grow a lot, but you will still be so young, and i am so relieved for that blessing. you will learn and question and become under the regime of our home, and daddy and i will do our best to engender in you both the values we think will help you become the best people you can be, even if those values are absent from our government.

here are the things i want you to know - no matter what donald trump and his cohorts say.

• you are important - every single person in this country and on this planet is important. we all deserve to live an authentic life...the best life we can create for ourselves. 
• you are privileged. i didn't make the rules, but i know what they are, and in the current game, you - by virtue of nothing other than luck and circumstance - have advantages. do not let those advantages make you blind; instead, let them open your eyes to all the ways you can elevate and empower those without the innate luck you've had. 
• the world is not fair - but that doesn't mean you don't have to try. yes, the system is rigged. yes, sometimes it doesn't matter if you're smarter, better, a harder worker - sometimes being the best isn't enough. but your integrity is everything - hold your heads high and work your butts off, no matter what. 
• don't be afraid to speak up. be respectful. be thoughtful. but do not be cowed by those who will shout over you and try to silence you. 
• love your neighbors - all your neighbors. love those who are different and those who are alike. endeavor to understand the hurt and confusion that underlies the hate and anger coming from those who shout the loudest. seek to find the similarities among all people rather than allow the differences to drive a deeper wedge between us all. 

the last thing i want to say is that i'm so sorry. i'm sorry that things have gotten to this place, where people are so scared and so divided. i'm sorry that you have to see this great country in this capacity. i'm sorry for the plans this new administration is already making - to strip your futures through policies that have no eye on the long road. i'm sorry that what is happening now means you will have even more work ahead of you. all i can promise is that i will try to help. i will try to be an example of how to work hard. i will try to teach you everything i know, and i will try to help you not be afraid. 

i love you both more than anything. 

mommy.

pumpkins.

my parents were in town last weekend, so we took a little trip to sweetberry farms in marble falls for their pumpkin patch activities. ek was still puny, and jb was camping with some dudes so he missed it, but it was a super fun outing. i'm so glad we got there when we did (fairly early), as by the time we left, i was so over the masses of humans out on the farm.

the kids got to paint pumpkins, ride horses, eat some snacks, and pick out a (massive) pumpkin. now, if only we could have some weather that's colder than the upper 80s, we'd be in good shape for fall...

hot mouth.

early morning, hollis has crawled into bed next to me.
me: {kissing his face}
h: "mama! your mouth is so hot!"
me: "my mouth is hot?"
h: "your mouth is hot mama. why is it so hot?"
me: "ummm..."
h: "maybe there is sunshine in it?"

no parking.

"mommy! i just saw a sign! it had a circle with a line through it and an R in the circle that means NO ROBBERS."

pigeons.

"mommy, are pigeons the state bird of the world?"

wolves.

h: "mommy. did you know that wolfs have all the smells? or i think they have most of the smells."
me: "oh yeah?"
h: "yeah. they have at least like 160 smells. wolfs do."

first two weeks + labor day holiday.

whew. time is just rolling on by over here at our house. the school year is off to a good start, i think. there are definitely things i'm hoping will change/shift, but i'm trying to just be patient and positive. emme seems to be adapting well and hollis is much less traumatized than i expected without having ek at the same school as him all day.

the weekend after school started, jb headed up to dallas to see the coldplay concert with his mom and brother. they were there for three nights and got to catch a rangers game, eat some fancy sushi, and see the concert, so i'd say it was a successful trip. my mom was able to get a ride in that weekend, so she and i got to hang with the kids solo and that was super fun as well. we saw pete's dragon, did lots of puzzles, went out for dinner and ice cream, and generally had a great weekend. mom left on monday, so she even got to walk emme to school, which was fantastic.

i am taking care of all the animals at ek's elementary school, which is a huge job, but one that i am loving. i have always had mammals as pets, so it's been fun to learn about the parrots and hermit crabs and snakes and turtles. we have had some animal trauma this year - we lost a rabbit right before the summer, and all the chickens got mauled and killed by something the first weekend of the school year. i was lucky that mom was in town to hang with the kids while i went to clean it all up (i had an amazing neighbor who helped me so much), but it was really devastating. i really love animals and i hate to see any creature suffer. justin fixed the coop up last week, so hopefully we will get some new hens soon.

emme has also been letting me play with her hair lately which is really fun. it's so long and easy to mess with. i love it.

other than that, we are just plugging along. we did all sorts of fun things for labor day weekend - swimming and birthday parties and dinner with friends - and we are working on exhibiting gratitude and also not flipping out when it's time to leave. well, mostly emme is working on that. sigh. parenting is hard sometimes.