health and families.

******this post contains potential triggers as it discusses fertility, pregnancy, loss, etc. please skip it if those things might upset you.******
i have had three chemical pregnancies since december. that is a lot. i found out i was pregnant right before christmas, had my betas done at the doctor (because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy), and learned the levels were dropping instead of doubling. my doctor, whom i love, assured me that i hadn't done anything wrong - sometimes, for whatever reason, implantation doesn't occur. so, your body produces the pregnancy hormone, but she told me to think of it as a "just passing through" type of situation. obviously, though i understand the science and all that, i still "felt" pregnant - i had determined a due date for this "baby", and i felt it as a loss. i know this type of loss is not nearly as intense as what a lot of women have experienced, but it is still a loss, and it is still upsetting. as my mom says, every day that you're pregnant, you bond with your baby a little more, so even a week is enough time to love the little niblet you think/hope you're growing.

we took a month off, more for our hearts than for my body. amazingly, i got pregnant again in february. another test with two pink lines, another due date. redemption. i felt pregnant this time. i'd spent a lot of time and energy after that december loss working to get healthier - yoga, lots of veggies, prenatals every day (not just when i remembered). i had my first beta and it was 10x higher than the (super low) first one i'd had in december, so i was feeling super optimistic. i headed back to the doctor 48 hours later, only to learn that the levels had dropped. again. i would have another loss - it was just a waiting game at this point. i was devastated, needless to say. i felt like i was doing all the right things and i was powerless to stop it.

i was on a work trip alone in southern california for that one, and that did help in some weird way. i was able to focus on going to bed early and spending quiet time with my thoughts. it was a strangely healing trip. i saw my doctor in mid-march, after the trip, and she assured me again that this wasn't happening because something is wrong with me - it's happening because my body is doing what it's supposed to do. she also advised me to start taking baby aspirin daily, which i've researched and decided is a good choice for me.

and then. we were planning to take another month off, but last week when things felt late, i decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. it was positive. faint, but positive. i was worried because i didn't feel pregnant this month, and the faint line was already a trigger for me. but i thought to give it 48 hours and pee on a stick again. the line would surely be darker.

but it wasn't. it was lighter. so here i am again, waiting. it's the oddest feeling. i'm trying to be optimistic and positive. i know a lot of women have a much harder time than i'm having conceiving a single child, let alone a third. i am beyond grateful for ek and hollis - they are perfection and i feel unbelievably blessed and honored that they are mine. and yet. justin and i believe there is room in our lives and our hearts for another child, another person. our family is whole, but maybe it's not complete, not quite yet. we will see,

miscarriages and pregnancy losses are such a taboo subject. they are incredibly, tragically common. as many as one in four pregnancies ends in a loss. but they are also extremely isolating. people don't talk about it. it's incredibly hard for your partner to understand it, even if they are super supportive and patient and loving through the whole thing (as mine is). it's hard to articulate all the feelings around it - sadness, guilt, denial, fear. and then there's the hope, hanging on. the hope that there will be one more person at our dinner table, someday. that i will eventually take a pregnancy test and see a blazing pink line that i know means a strong, healthy little human is getting ready. that i won't live in perpetual fear when i do ultimately get pregnant again. there's always the hope.

so for now, i am going to continue working to be healthy and calm and full of gratitude. i'm doing another whole30, with my parents this time! i'm doing a lot of yoga and it is making me feel really good. i'm hugging my babies as much as they'll let me and trying to take a lot of deep breaths.

knife skills and other things.

so i went to japan a couple weeks ago and it was awesome. one of the awesome things that happened was i got justin this gorgeous knives. these knives are sharp, as you might expect. one might even call them ninja sharp. anyway...sunday night i asked jb to chop up an onion for me so he could test out the sweet new blades...

(side note: justin has mocked me for YEARS about my knife skills (or lack thereof), but i would just like to state for the record that as of today i have not had an ER-worthy knife injury. i did jack myself up on a mandolin slicer like a year ago, but i just wrapped that thing right up...)

within a slice or two of the onion, we had a nice cut on his thumb. ouch. there was a lot of blood, and he wouldn't let me look at it (my dude hates the sight of blood), so i suggested we kick it to urgent care. amazingly, the bowmans were walking up to our house at that exact moment, so they were able to hang out with the kids while i drove him to the closest ER. amazingly, we were pretty much the only people there, so it was pretty quick. the doc suggested stitches, but said he could get by with steri-strips, which is what my needle-averse husband chose. there was a traumatic moment or two when the doctor cleaned out the wound (squirting some solution directly into it) and lots of blood happened, and jb would probably say the worst part was having to get a tetanus shot...but he didn't cry :).

anyway...i've been sure to provide plenty of mockery to aid in healing. 

in other news, this weekend was super rainy. all day rain on friday and saturday and most of sunday. the kids got creative with hiding places, ejecting the laundry from the hamper so they could occupy this nook. 

and, finally, on an unrelated note, i snapped this pic of hollis before school on monday. he "wanted to hug emme's pumpkin" before school. that kid, man. 

first full day.

admittedly, i have had some nerves about this week. there are a lot of changes and a lot is riding on scheduling coordination during times when i am sitting at my office, and that makes me nervous. and then, this afternoon, this happened:

after-after school care called me

they were like "why isn't your kid on the bus?" (this bus is the source of all my afterschool angst, i swear)

i'm like...she should be on the bus, blah blah

so i call debra

the pre-after school coordinator person

and she's in a room like "amy? amy? has anyone seen amy?"

and i'm like it's EMME

and then she's like "i'm going to have to call you back"

so then i am freaking out and about to get in the car

and then after after school calls me back and they're like "never mind she is on the bus now"

this whole ordeal was like 4 minutes

but still

all my worst fears about this arrangement were realized in this 4 minute period.

also, i am so glad this is not a cautionary tale. 

in other news, last night before bed, hollis said "i have a secret, mommy. my eyes are very fancy." 

dentist.

yesterday afternoon was rough.  i left work early to pick up the kids and bring ek to the dentist.  we've been talking about it and she's been excited to go, so i was optimistic.  chick fil-a is across the street from our dentist's office and she asked if we could go there (she is in love with that place as it's the only fast food she's ever had and they have a big playscape).  i said as long as she was sweet at the dentist and did what he and the hygienist asked, we would go to chick fil-a before heading to dance class.  

well, that didn't happen.  she hid behind me and acted like a total brat in the dentist's office.  i was so embarrassed (i know that's ridiculous, but i was).  i finally persuaded her to sit in the dentist's chair, but she hid her face and refused to open her mouth for the hygienist.  after 15 minutes of asking, telling, begging, bribing, threatening, turning it into a game, etc., i told her we needed to leave.  she perked up and said "ok, can we go to chick fil-a now?" and i said of course not because she didn't hold up her end of the deal.  

enter complete and total meltdown in the parking lot/car.  she was screaming and crying and pitching an amazing fit.  it made me SO upset that i started crying on the ride home.  sigh.  she has brought it up again several times last night and this morning, so i know she's thinking about it and processing her decisions...it's just so hard to know how to handle stuff like that.  i also think she knows the dentist is going to tell her to stop sucking her thumb, so there is probably some anxiety about that because she's not ready to quit.  

anyway.  we ended up letting her go to dance class because we pay for it and i needed a few minutes of relative quiet.  i hung out with hollis and when she got home we had a nice bedtime routine and ended the day on a good note.  

i'm working on not extrapolating one bad day/incident into the overarching definition of my child.  i'm working on not thinking i'm a terrible parent on the whole just because i lose my temper on occasion.  i'm working on figuring out a method that works for all of us...that's a little gentler and gets the job done more effectively.  

mandolin.

i sliced the tip of my thumb off on a mandolin slicer yesterday.  it's not that bad, really - i don't think i'll be permanently deformed.  but it hurt like the dickens and bled like a head wound.  the good news is the au gratin potatoes were heavenly.

recent drama.

the weeks are flying by WAY faster than i can even begin to record them all. i have lots of fun, awesome stuff to write about, but figured i would get my quick trauma post out of the way first. also, i have at least a month worth of pictures sitting on various memory cards and personal computers (i.e. not my work computer, on which i currently type while on a conference call (shhhh)) and would like to add some of those to my posts.


so, the last couple of weeks have brought a little bit of drama our way. in hindsight, everything has worked out just fine and we have been remarkably fortunate . but, for posterity, i write.

last friday (or two fridays ago, who's counting) - march 30th - we had some friends in town to visit. they arrived mid-day friday, so i was going to pick emme up and then meet them at our house so we could head to an early-ish dinner. i left work exuberant - it was a glorious day, it was friday, and i'd just wrapped up about 74 things at work that had been hanging over my head. fabulous. i get emme from her class, gather all her gear (seriously, how much gear can someone her size accumulate?) - cloth diapers, dirty clothes, nap mat, lunch box - and load her and said gear in to the car. i drive to the exit and turn on my left turn signal, just as i do every other day. there was a decent amount of traffic, so i waited for a little bit and then saw an opening to my left, after a large grey car. i looked to the right to make sure i was clear (i was), so i glanced left again as the grey car was passing me, then i began to drive forward while looking right again. i turn my head back to face forward and i am driving directly in to a motorcyclist. i slam on the brakes as he tumbles off his bike and the motorcycle slides into the far lane. i'm stunned at this point; i reverse quickly, crank up the ac for emme, roll down windows, and fly out the car to see the guy. thankfully, he was wearing a helmet and there was a witness right there who had already gotten to him before i did. the driver was already moving around and the witness was on the phone with the police. i knelt down to try to attend to the guy - encourage him not to move, etc. - and he looks at me and says "i need for you to get the f--- away from me right now". this is when i lost it - i went back to my car and was shaking and flipping out, trying to hold it together. within seconds, the guy was walking to the sidewalk and smoking a cigarette, so i was happy to see he seemed mostly ok, physically. the police showed up within minutes, as did EMS. the guy refused medical attention, and his bike was not majorly impacted. the police were the nicest team of guys ever - they were super professional, compassionate, and thorough. they decided not to issue a ticket to either of us, which was kind of amazing. the accident was my fault, but since it seemed likely that the motorcyclist was tailgating and i was completely flipped out already, i think they decided writing me a ticket was unnecessary.

anyway, all things considered, this was not a bad accident. i have never been in a car accident before, and i am not anxious to get into another one, ever. i have NO idea, still, how it could have happened - i have gone over and over the whole series of events again and again. i am such a careful driver - i drive TOO defensively sometimes, according to justin - especially with emme in the car. so many things could have been so much worse with this whole thing, though, so i am just very grateful everything worked out the way it did, if it had to happen. he could have not been wearing a helmet, he could have crashed off his bike in to oncoming traffic, he could have rolled onto my car and somehow injured emme. it just could have been way, way bad. as my brother says, there is no margin of error with a motorcycle, so we were both very very lucky. my insurance is handling everything, and i am hopeful that he is back to 100%.



so that was the kick-off to that weekend. i'll summarize the fun stuff from that weekend later. on to this past weekend - easter!

we had a flight to florida early saturday morning. we were going to meet my parents for a few days and celebrate easter on the beach. i love the beach. thursday night, the night we were supposed to be packing, etc., i came down with fever of 102 (i never get sick, other than when i got the plague back in november). i literally could barely move - i got emme to bed and then just wrapped myself in blankets on the couch, feeling absolutely miserable. i was in bed before 9 and my fever broke at some point in the night, though i was not 100% on friday. i picked ek up on friday afternoon and she was fine. coughing and snotty, but that's par for the course with our daycare-going kiddo. we also had an appointment with her ENT to look at her ears and he said she looked fantastic. she struggled a tiny bit going to bed that night because her congestion makes it hard for her to breathe while sucking her thumb. but, she did go down, and jb and i finished packing and house prep before i finally had to go lie down around 9 or 9:30. within seconds of my head hitting the pillow, the cries started. justin gave her a few minutes to see if she would calm herself down, but to no avail. he went in and rocked her for a while, but she freaked out again right when she went back in to her crib. he rocked her again, same situation. i went in and rocked her, same thing. finally, around 10:30 or so, i told justin it was time to just shut it down. with our flight being super early the next morning, i figured it was fine to let her sleep with us - any sleep was better than the back-and-forth to her bedroom all night. i held her on my chest, mostly upright, for about 30 minutes, hoping to let all the phlegm drain. i could feel her relax and fall asleep, so i gingerly rolled her to the side on to our mattress. she immediately rolled on to her tummy and began crying hysterically, then she threw up all over our bed. i got her up and brought her in to the bathroom while justin worked to start cleaning up our bed. at this point, it's 11 or 11:30 and she now has a crazy high fever (started right when she puked). great news. we headed to the couch, where emme and i spent the remainder of the night, her sleeping fitfully, me not sleeping much at all.

the flights to florida were uneventful - she is such a great little traveler. i kept her medicated with ibuprofen, which kept her fever at bay all day. saturday night, her fever got high again, but i just kept her medicated, thinking it was probably something viral since she didn't seem to have any other symptoms. easter morning, we woke up and her fever was too high to go to church - i didn't want her exposed to all those other people, nor did i want them exposed to her. justin stayed home with her, and we went back to pick them up before heading to brunch at my aunt and uncle's house. i took her temp then and it was 104.2 - very high for the morning, but still responding to the ibuprofen. the rest of sunday was pretty low key - she took a nap, but was in good spirits and acting completely normal.

sunday night, around 11 or so, i think, she woke me up and i picked her up and brought her in to bed with me and justin. her body was pretty cold - i was initially excited about that, thinking the fever had finally broken, but then i noticed she was shivering and her lips were purple. i wrapped her up next to me and kept trying to warm her up, but she kept shaking. i was starting to get flipped out and wondering what to do, so i handed her to justin while i tried to find the number for my insurance's ask-a-nurse number. she threw up phlegm all over justin and me, so we got her cleaned up and back on to my lap, covered in blankets. my first reaction was that she was having a febrile seizure, but it lasted SO long, and she was responsive to us throughout the whole episode. i got a nurse on the phone and told her everything that was happening and she said we needed to bring emme to the ER. so, i went and got my parents up and we grabbed what we could think of to grab (i'm pretty sure this consisted of a diaper and my insurance card). by the time we were driving, her temp had started to climb again (as the nurse had told me it would) and she wasn't shaking anymore. we got to the emergency room, got admitted, and ended up in a little room. mom and dad had to stay outside, so we texted them updates.

the nursing staff at the hospital was very nice. they took emme's temp and it was 105.4 - she has definitely never been that hot. they gave her motrin and a tylenol suppository and then began the battery of tests: heart rate, blood pressure, catheter for urinalysis, and blood draw. that was the worst - they tried to get the hep lock into her hand, but her veins were too tiny and they kept missing. they finally got it in to her foot/ankle. ouch. justin and i had to hold her down for each thing and just watch the big tears rolling down her cheeks. not fun. somewhere in the midst of all of this, we saw the doctor on call, dr. woolf. he was super nice, but also a bit stymied by our girl. her ears and throat looked good, her lungs sounded fine. he said that when the blood work came back, he would expect to see white blood cell counts around 15,000 (normal is 6,000-11,000), and then he would prescribe an antibiotic. based on that, he was hopeful that we could avoid a chest x-ray. 15 minutes later or so, the x-ray tech came by requesting to take emme for a chest x-ray. we were confused, based on what dr. woolf had just told us, but were informed that her wbc count was much higher than anticipated, so we needed the x-ray. a baby chest x-ray is not a fun procedure...they basically strap her in to a plastic tube that looks like a medieval torture device. poor bean. during the walk back to the room, dr. woolf told us that her wbc count was 35,000. later, when he came back to our room after getting all her test results, we learned that there was still no obvious source of infection that would be causing SUCH a high fever. he was very sweet with her - his suggestions were that she could have pneumonia that just wasn't presenting on the chest x-ray yet, or strep that he couldn't see yet, partially treated meningitis, or just something else. he brought up meningitis and said he could do a spinal tap, but then offered all the reasons why that wasn't really necessary and it probably wasn't meningitis (she was not lethargic, could move her head and neck, was drinking and eating a little). so, she got rocephin through her hep lock and a prescription for zithromax, and we were dismissed, with instructions to head to the pediatrician in the morning. we got about 3 hours of sleep and then headed to the pediatrician. he said she was fine...diagnosed a bacterial infection of unknown origin and said to keep giving her motrin and let her do whatever she felt like doing (swim, play on the beach, etc.). he also told me i didn't need to be concerned about meningitis or leukemia/lymphoma (i heard high wbc count and of course my mind went crazy). by monday afternoon, she was fever free and definitely on the up and up.

so, again, we were super lucky. i am bummed that 80% of our vacation was occupied by a sick bebe and very little sleep, but so so so thankful that she is just fine. her iron count was sort of low, according to the pediatrician, so we see our doctor on monday for a re-test and a potential therapeutic prescription for iron for her. all things considered, a scary ordeal, but we escaped relatively unscathed.

post-op update.

man i have a lot to catch up on.  as usual.  first and foremost, i just want to update on emme's surgery on monday.  she did amazingly well.  while mom and emme and i were in minneapolis, i got several calls and got everything scheduled, so we headed to the surgery center with her at 6:30 on monday morning.  yikes, that is early to be dressed, functional, and operating outside of your home, at least for our family. 

there were a few other kiddos in the waiting room with us, so emme investigated them while we waited to be called.  when we went back, there were 8 or so little hospital beds lined up on either side of a room.  we got situated in our little area and had several nurses and orderlies come by to verify information, check on e, etc.  the anesthesiologist came by and let us know that he'd be able to knock her out with just the gas, no iv or anything, so i was super relieved.  emme kept asking for milk - that was probably the hardest part, since they can't eat or drink from midnight until surgery time. 

anyway...while we were waiting for our doctor to show up, they took a few other kids back, all of whom screamed and cried when they were taken from their parents, which flipped me out completely.  finally, dr. w arrived and he answered the couple of random questions i had.  the anesthesiologist came back to our area and picked emme up himself to take her back.  she did not cry a bit - i was so proud.  she seemed a little curious as to why she was heading somewhere without us, but not panicked at all. 

a nurse walked justin and me to the consulting area and we had just enough time to grab a cup of coffee before the doc was back with the report.  so fast!  he said she'd done great, explained the drops he was prescribing, and answered a couple more questions from me, and that was that.  we had to hang out in the main waiting room until she woke up, which was about 5 minutes later.  she didn't cry waking up, either!  we hurried back there and i crawled in to bed with her.  she gulped water and then got the ok to eat something.  i had brought her some strawberries and she proceeded to shovel them all into her mouth as fast as possible, to no ill effect.  they made us wait just 10 or so more minutes to make sure everything was peachy, then we headed home. 

once home, emme ate a bagel thin with strawberry cream cheese (a special treat) then hit the hay for a FOUR HOUR nap.  awesome for me, since i got to do a little work catch-up after being out a few days for our minneapolis trip.  when she woke up, she and i had a lunch date, picked up her ear drops, and had a leisurely costco adventure.  haha. 

since the surgery, she is repeating every word we say like a little parrot.  i don't know if i'm just projecting, but she seems to be hearing and feeling a LOT better.  she also is trotting and scampering about much more steadily than before, it seems, but again, i may be projecting. 

anyway.  as everyone told me, it was way easier and way better than i could have ever imagined, and i'm so relieved that we got it done and that my little bug doesn't have to have these hurty ears all the time anymore.  cheers to good health. {pics of ek cuddling with dad pre-surgery, and a couple of post-nap shots.  will add the other non-phone shots later.}

reactions and over-reactions.

these ear infections are tapping me out.  i feel like an idiot for complaining, because i absolutely know that this is nothing in the grand scheme - absolutely nothing compared to lots of things i've seen other parents go through with their littles.  we are amazingly blessed and fortunate to have a bebe who has really had no major issues at all.  but the hint of any discomfort in my girl just breaks me down (as i'm sure it does for all parents).  anyway.  emme's first ear infection was the week of thanksgiving, in louisiana.  she had fever, wasn't sleeping, was fussy, etc.  i took her to a walk-in clinic, where she got a prescription for amoxycillin.  it seemed to (basically) do the trick.  until a few weeks later, the week before christmas or so, there was more fever, more fussiness, and more ear-tugging.  back to the doctor, and the diagnosis of yet another ear infection.  this time, they prescribed omnicef, so she was back on an antibiotic.  fast forward to MLK day (why does this always seem to happen on holidays?) and she woke up with a fever AGAIN.  i should clarify that, ideally, i am not the kind of mother who runs to the doctor at every sign of a temp.  but, as a working mom with a kiddo in daycare, i don't really have a choice but to bring her when she has fever on a weekday.  i have to be able to know whether i can take her back to school or what.  anyway.  back to the doctor again, and, you guessed it, another ear infection.  yeesh.  so, this time our doctor decided we should try augmentin, a ten-day, twice-a-day antibiotic to try to nip it in the bud.  she warned of tubes, but we were all hopeful that this stronger 'script and the promise of spring would keep us in the clear in that regard. 

so.  wednesday morning was day 8 of the augmentin.  she woke up and had a little welt on her cheek, but i assumed a mosquito had gotten into her room in the night and bitten her (yes, in texas we have mosquitoes all year round).  i brought her to school, as usual, and got a call around 9:40 that she was having an allergic reaction.  i'm lucky in that i have never really had a reaction to anything, but i had NO idea how to react to this situation.  i called her doctor, justin, and my mom in the 6 minutes it took me to drive to her school (amazingly, i was working from home that day).  the doctor said not to be concerned unless she was having trouble breathing, but to bring her in as soon as i picked her up.  when i got her, she was in good spirits, but her one "mosquito bite" had turned in to a fun little party of hives on her tummy, back, scalp, neck, and face. 

the doctor (not our usual pediatrician and one i'm not crazy about) diagnosed a penicillin allergy and told me to discontinue the augmentin (duh) and to give emme zyrtec for the reaction.  she said i may see hives come and go for a week or so, but that it was fine for e to return to school.  she also said despite 8 days of faithful medication, her ear infection was still in full force, so she needed to get on zithromax, yet ANOTHER antibiotic.  four different ones in three months - yay. 

so.  thursday morning her hives are much worse.  i call the doctor, they say this is normal and probably due to her being warmer while sleeping.  i believe them, so i bring emme to school.  i head to work, worried out of my mind, but trying to just be calm and get my job done so i can go get her.  in a morning meeting, we are discussing kids, i mention this allergic reaction that's going on with mine, and a woman tells me her daughter had this same response to augmentin, only she was diagnosed with erythema multiforme.  i do some googling and discover that this issue is basically hives on crack, and can cause breathing issues and damage to internal organs, etc.  i begin alternately flipping out and staying super calm.  i can make the argument for why she definitely has this condition just as readily as i can make the argument for why there's no way.  but it's obviously super scary, especially being away from her and knowing that she was in a class full of kids where they may not be noticing every slight thing going awry.  the straw that broke the camel's back was when the school called me right before 4:00 (i had a conference call at 4 that i was supposed to lead) to ask me if i could come early and give her some respite.  they said she had fever and seemed worse than that morning.  the emotions and helplessness of the day took over at that point, and a super gracious co-worker told me to leave and that she would handle my call. 

when i got to school, i could tell that e was worse, but nothing overwhelmingly scary.  breathing was still normal, she had been eating, etc.  her fever seemed to be more related to her ear infection, but the doctor on duty when i'd called thursday said to discontinue the zithromax.  so, i made an appointment for friday, kept an eye on her, and got her down early thursday night. 

friday morning brought the height of rash intensity.  holy.  you can see days 1, 2, and 3 below.  it was like she had turned in to a pink giraffe.  again, she was acting normal, but with a fever of over 101 and her skin looking like a topographical map, there was no way i was sending her to school.  justin stayed home with her in the morning and we let her watch tv (she never gets to watch tv) to try to keep her still/resting.  she was interested in that for about 5 minutes, but took a good long nap.  then, i came home from work and brought her to her afternoon appointment.  the doctor who had seen her wednesday saw her again friday afternoon.  she seemed unsurprised by the intensity of her skin, but she had not indicated to me that it would/could get worse, so obviously i was a little freaked out.  she also told me the inside of emme's ears looked like raw meat.  awesome.  she said to put her back on the zithromax, and prescribed an oral steroid to help the hives.  i filled it and decided to see how she looked saturday morning before giving it to her (also didn't want to hype her up right before bed on friday). 

amazingly, miraculously, when she woke up on saturday morning, she looked almost completely normal.  the welts on her legs looked mostly like chicken pox scars, and there was just some very faint swirling on her tummy and back.  i could definitely tell that her skin looked different than it had before, but if you hadn't seen her the day before, you'd never have been able to tell.  she still had a decently high fever, but i kept her on ibuprofen and she was in high spirits all day.  sunday was even better, and we had NO fever after the early morning.  

today, the little bean was back at school as though none of this had gone down.  craziness.  just goes to show me that their little bodies are way more resilient than my nerves, as it took me just as long to recover from the fraying they took over the course of the week.  we were inundated with support and well-wishes and prayers, and we SO appreciate everyone's concern for our bug.  we go for her fifteen month (!) appointment on valentine's day, so we'll know more about the ears and have a course of action at that point... 

june news.

the best possible news we could have so far - june made it through surgery with flying colors.  she is still in ICU and hooked up to lots of tubes, but she opened her eyes this morning and squeezed her mama's hand.  such a huge blessing.  the doctors said the surgery went smoothly, and they were able to stitch her up, so more answered prayers there.  thanks to everyone for the support - we're praying now for a quick and easy recovery for that sweet bug. 

an update on june.

first of all, thanks to everyone who reached out with concern and good thoughts and prayers for june.  i had a chance to go see her and her parents at the children's hospital on saturday.  she is such a gorgeous baby and has a wonderfully sweet disposition.  she appears to be taking this whole situation in stride, and her mom and dad are tough cookies, though this is obviously very hard on them, as anyone might expect.  i told june that emme is very excited to meet her and teach her how to eat rocks and dog food, so she should hurry up and get better soon. 

the situation is that baby june will be having open heart surgery tomorrow.  the surgery is to repair an aortic coarctation (thinning of the artery).  several cardiologists have weighed in and believe this is the best course of treatment for her (surgery and of the open heart variety).  so, the things that we're specifically asking for are: minimal amount of time on bypass, no touching of the laryngeal nerve or vocal cords (specifically, we want june to continue to be able to nurse after surgery), a straightforward procedure that repairs everything that needs reparation, no complications, and that there will be a minimum amount of inflammation so they can stitch her up and she can begin the healing process right away. 

thanks again to everyone, i know the family appreciates it. 

please pray.

dear friends, family, whomever,

i'm not even sure who reads this blog, but i feel the need to put something out in the universe.  our close friends' baby who was born on friday has a heart defect and will be undergoing surgery soon.  i don't know any details other than that, but i want to ask that if you read this, you pray for june.  she is a strong little bug, as are her parents, but i can only imagine how terrified they are right now.  thanks. 

a eulogy for chickens.

as i mentioned in a previous post, our sweet chickens passed away a couple of weeks ago.  this is a brief synopsis of our chicken history. 

about 4 years ago, justin and i were walking the pups in the field by our (old) house.  we ran into a guy with two border collies and got to talking.  he mentioned he and his wife keep 6 chickens in their backyard and described a little bit about how/why they did so.  we were intrigued.  on the walk back, i told justin "we should totally get chickens!".  and so it began. 

justin and our friend chip constructed our first coop and after loads of research and some lolly-gagging, we headed to callahan's general store and procured two fine hens: bixby and octavia.  they were rock island reds and they were hilarious and not very smart (lack of intelligence is a trait in chickens).  our plan was to have them in their coop and in a chicken run justin had built, but that plan soon deteriorated and they mostly just hung out in the yard and went into their coop at night.  bixby laid an egg the first day we got her and then again the day after that.  then neither chicken laid again for almost six weeks, which had me questioning why the heck we thought chickens were such a great idea in the first place.  if they aren't laying, essentially you have pets that don't really love you, aren't trainable, and that poop ALL THE TIME.  but really, they were adorable despite all of that and got increasingly so once we started getting a regular supply of delicious eggs. 

fast forward several months and jb and i went on a weekend trip with my parents.  the chicks had stayed by themselves for much longer periods of time, so we weren't really worried.  well, when we got back, octavia had died.  i was particularly sad, as i thought of octavia as "my" chicken.  and she did the chicken dance when you walked up to her and had a generally sweet disposition.  my reaction to her death should have been a warning that maybe i am not, in fact, cut out to be a farmer...but we decided we should press on.  back to callahan's we went, and we returned with bernadette and bettyrene.  they were regular brown hens and the pecking order in our coop took a little while to establish, but ultimately, the ladies all decided to get along. 

fast forward another year and you'll remember the st. thomas trip during my early second trimester.  we lost bettyrene to our neighbor/housesitter's dog, max.  that was another rough one.  bettyrene channeled octavia's sweet personality and she was justin's little pet. 

and then there were two.  bixby and bernadette were sweet and tough ladies.  they survived a few possum attacks, held their own against ollie and etta when the dogs wanted to play a little too hard, and helped control the pest population in our yard.  when justin would walk outside to feed them, he'd do his little chicken call and you'd see them run from wherever they were.  when they ran, they looked like little old ladies wearing bloomers.  it was my favorite thing to watch.  they would destroy a potted plant faster than you could get it watered.  they loved to roll in dirt and sneak under the fence.  they each took to laying their eggs in the dog house at random points over the year.  they were inquisitive and dumb and reminded me endlessly of weird little dinosaurs.  justin likes to tell the story about how one day he saw bixby standing on one leg and he got all freaked out, thinking she'd been hurt and wondering if there were other injuries and what we might do with a one-legged chicken.  turns out she was just standing on one leg like a weirdo.  we really loved those chickens. 

when we decided to move, we weren't sure what to do with the hens.  we loved them, but a small-ish yard predominated by a pool is not the best environment for destructive chickens that like to free range.  we waffled far too long on the decision and it was time for our tenants to move in, so justin set them up in temporary housing in a shady part of our backyard.  they were in our dog crate with food and water, but we thought the shade from the trees would be enough.  as it turns out, this was a fatal assumption.  it got up to 106 that day, and we think it was just too much for them.  when we went outside around 830 to swim, they had knocked over their water bowl and neither of them were moving. 

we were both rather hysterical in the immediate aftermath, but i have thought of a few things i am grateful for.  i am glad they died together.  i think it would have been really sad to lose one and have the other be lonely for the rest of her days.  i am also glad they lived the life they did.  there aren't a lot of chickens in this world that get to play in open spaces all day with food and water readily provided to them.  i hope that it was easy on them - that they just went peacefully to sleep, dreaming their little chicken dreams. 

the staples and the sickness.

so i definitely owe an emme kay 9 months old post, but the tale of the injury will take precedence.  my original goal was to do everything in chronological order, but that's just not going to happen.  also, i should say that it's likely this post will be quite long, so feel free to skip it or skim it - i just want full documentation for us.  let me begin. 

our nanny had last week and this week off because her family was in town visiting from latvia and she hadn't seen them in two years.  back when she asked to take the time off, i didn't know i'd be changing jobs, so i figured i could take a vacation week and my mom SO graciously offered to take vacation/sick time to care for ek the following week (this one).  i also didn't know we'd be closing on a house at the end of july and everything would be in a shambles, but i digress.  when i got hired at the new company, i asked if i could please start the week of the 15th.  that would give me 2 weeks off to get a grip on my life and cover the week i needed for liga's time off.  well, the company said no they needed me to start the first.  so, i agreed but said the week of the 8th was non-negotiable but i would try to work from home during nap time, etc.

in my magical thinking, i figured the week "off" would be amazing - i would get to spend quality time with ek, lots of swimming and books and walks; i would get stuff done around the house; i would get some work done here and there; and all in all it would be relaxing and fun.  i was also planning to head to louisiana to pick mom up for her stay here on thursday so i could have some extra days there to see friends and family.

so.  i get off my first week of the new job, all fired up about this relaxing and super-fun week emme and i were about to have.  we went for a little swim.

when we got out of the pool, i noticed that she felt warm and she was a little cranky.  i chalked it up to being outside (it is a million degrees here, after all) and being ready for bed.  so i got her inside, fed her dinner, and then put her in the tub.  it was about halfway through the bath when i noticed that her skin was splotchy (from the cold) and she was shivering.  the bath water and temp in the room were not that cold at all, so i got her right out of the tub, wrapped her in a big towel, and brought her to her room.  she nursed voraciously, but i think it was mostly a comfort thing as she just didn't know what was going on.  i took her temp and it was over 102.  awesome news.

this was an unknown quantity for us as emme had never even had a sniffle up to this point.  i will never again take my child's good health for granted.  i talked to mom about it and justin and i discussed, and we opted to just put her to bed and see what happened.  i had made an appointment for saturday morning at the pediatrician, so we were hopeful she would be feeling better by then.  she was very sleepy and went right down.  the laings came over for a little while, but of course i was totally distracted and in there checking on her every 5 minutes.  i also had to call and cancel our swim date with the pyles, which was a huge bummer.  anyway...at around 10 or 1030, emme woke up super sad and sounded like she was in pain.  her fever was up near 103, so i called the triage desk at the hospital (this is all through the pediatrician since i obviously have no idea what to do in situations like this).  they told me to give her acetaminophen and keep her comfortable - cool towels, tepid bath, etc.  so no one got a lot of sleep that night, let me just say.  e would wake up every couple of hours with the most pitiful cry of all time ever.  i had her between us in the bed so i could comfort her immediately.  she mostly wanted to sleep on my body, which was insanely hot and not particularly comfortable, but of course i was worried about her so i didn't mind.

anyway...we make it through the night and get to the doctors office.  her doc wasn't doing saturday hours that day, so we had a male doctor who was nice but whose bedside manner wasn't as great as our doctor.  he looked her over and proclaimed that there wasn't anything wrong with her, but said we needed to rule out a UTI.  so, the catheter was beckoned.  let me just advise you, if you have a baby, a catheter is a device you want to avoid.  emme had just peed (i had the wet diaper to prove it), but they said they may be able to get some out, so they were going to try to cath her anyway.  awesome news.  justin and i had to hold her down (have i mentioned that this child does NOT like to be still?) while the nurse inserted the catheter, only to get not a single drop.  shocking, i know.  after that, they let me nurse her with a bag on her so she could maybe pee and they could get it that way.  45 minutes and no pee in a bag later, they decide it's a great idea to cath her AGAIN.  obviously, this was not more fun the second go-round.  but, at least there was pee this time.  they took her sample, gave us ibuprofen and sent us on our way.

ek's fever peaked at 105 on saturday night and was above 101 until tuesday when it was basically gone.  she refused to be more than inches away from me and basically turned into a goblin for the duration of her illness.  it was rough.  not only did i have to watch my baby be sick and know there was nothing i could do about it, but i couldn't get a single thing done, really, and working was pretty much out of the question.  also, my sweet, loving child was a goblin.  i wondered if she would ever go back to her normal self, seriously.  oh, she also wasn't sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours in a row, so the whole family was feeling pretty energized...ha.

on wednesday, she got a little rash on her belly/chest, so i knew it was roseola (for the record, that's what i thought it was based on my awesome internet and baby 411 research, but i was still worried, of course).  she was also getting back to normal, at least personality-wise.  awesome.

thursday morning, we had her 9 month doctors appt.  i'll write more about that later, but everything checked out and she only had to get one shot, so that was good.  we hopped in the car and headed to lafayette right after.

friday morning, we had plans to go to the drugstore with my grandma, and then meet my mom and some of her friends over their lunch break.  ek took a nap and then was ready to start playing.  she was much more like my baby, even though she didn't sleep a whole lot on thursday night (being in the pack-n- play, she could see me and decided she wanted to mess with my face for several hours between 12:30 and 5.  ruff.).  so, she woke up from her nap and i was sitting in the bed nursing her.  she's a wildebeest, so she was kicking her legs all over while nursing, as usual.  she somehow managed to kick my water glass off the nightstand and it rolled on to a pillow, then on to carpet, then somehow dinged a corner of the bed frame ever so lightly and managed to shatter.  awesome. 

i decided to leave emme on the bed, since broken glass was everywhere and she would have been all up in my business if i'd brought her onto the floor with me.  i've got glass in both hands and i see her making her way to the edge of the bed to come investigate what i'm doing, so i put my left arm up to sort of block her onto the bed while i figure out what to do with the glass in my hands.  well, that just did not stop her because she dove over my arm onto the pile of broken glass on the floor.  immediately, she starts screaming and i focus on not hyperventilating while assessing the damage.  there is blood EVERYWHERE.  i can't tell where/how much she is cut, just that she is.  i pull what seems to be the biggest shard of glass out of her head (this is not a feeling i recommend anyone trying), meanwhile trying to figure out the best course of action.  since i obviously cannot recall phone numbers at this time, i grab my cell phone and call my mom.  she told me later the words i said were "please come home now, i've hurt her".  definitely not the most calm and functional way to handle the situation, but i digress.  i then immediately called 911.  i give them the relevant information but i can barely hear them over emme crying.  i'm holding a cloth over her head and it seems to be helping a lot, but i decide the appropriate action is hanging up on 911 because i can't hear what they're telling me and i want both hands free to handle the baby.  they call back immediately and chastise me for hanging up on them before the ambulance got there, and they also tell me i need to be applying pressure to the wound with a dry cloth instead of a wet one.  so i'm doing that and moments later the ambulance is in the driveway.

i should say that even though it felt like everything was going in slow motion, the time from emme's crash to the ambulance's arrival could not have been more than 5 minutes.  by the time they drove up, she had mostly stopped crying and was smiling and excited to see the big yellow vehicle with all the flashing lights.  that sweet bunny.  we walked outside to meet the paramedics and i was beginning to realize that everything would probably be ok - i was starting to feel the intense relief of how many close calls we'd just had.  anyway, mom pulled up right then and i was able to tell her everything was ok.  we went inside with one of the paramedics, because apparently they have to investigate all accidents in case of child abuse.  the thought of someone hurting their child intentionally appalls me even more after this experience.  as we were coming back up to the front of the house, i see my grandmother in the driveway, sobbing while talking to the other paramedics.  timing is of the essence, y'all.  we got her calmed down, and emme into her carseat and she and i rode in the ambulance to the nearest hospital (though we probably could have driven ourselves, there was no way to know that).  we got checked in and dr. hamilton came to inspect ek's head.  it was only one big cut, about 2 or 2.5 inches, in her hair, about 4 inches above her right eyebrow.  he said he needed x-rays to make sure no shards of glass were in her skull/brain, so i tried to convince myself not to hyperventilate once again.  the x-rays weren't bad except for the not-to-be-understated fact that emme hates being still.  after a few minutes of intense worst-case scenarios playing out in my head, the doctor confirmed that her skull and brain were just fine.  this again brought in to sharp focus how amazingly fortunate we had been in this whole fiasco.

dr. hamilton decided to put staples in emme's head for a few reasons.  first, the staples are less likely to scar than stitches.  second, he wouldn't have to shave any of her hair.  third, they are super quick which is ideal when doing stuff like this to babies.  they put some goo on her head and we had to wait for 45 minutes for it to numb everything up.  during that time she got to walk around the hospital talking to people and pointing at everything and also watch some cartoons (which i never let her do).  the time passed, the doctor came over, strapped her down, cleaned her wound up super quick and bang bang, two staples and we were outta there.  the strapping down was the worst part.

so that's the story.  we go to the doctor this saturday to have staples removed.  emme is healing SO fast and SO well i am amazed.  she shouldn't have a scar, even though the doc said the injury may be a little tender for up to 6 months or so, crazy.  this is the only pic i have of the wound, so you can kind of see it's not the worst thing that could have happened.  i am so happy and grateful that she didn't land on her face or her eye or her sweet little neck and that the glass didn't penetrate her head.  i feel like this was such a close call and we were really fortunate that it went down the way it did.