health and families.

******this post contains potential triggers as it discusses fertility, pregnancy, loss, etc. please skip it if those things might upset you.******
i have had three chemical pregnancies since december. that is a lot. i found out i was pregnant right before christmas, had my betas done at the doctor (because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy), and learned the levels were dropping instead of doubling. my doctor, whom i love, assured me that i hadn't done anything wrong - sometimes, for whatever reason, implantation doesn't occur. so, your body produces the pregnancy hormone, but she told me to think of it as a "just passing through" type of situation. obviously, though i understand the science and all that, i still "felt" pregnant - i had determined a due date for this "baby", and i felt it as a loss. i know this type of loss is not nearly as intense as what a lot of women have experienced, but it is still a loss, and it is still upsetting. as my mom says, every day that you're pregnant, you bond with your baby a little more, so even a week is enough time to love the little niblet you think/hope you're growing.

we took a month off, more for our hearts than for my body. amazingly, i got pregnant again in february. another test with two pink lines, another due date. redemption. i felt pregnant this time. i'd spent a lot of time and energy after that december loss working to get healthier - yoga, lots of veggies, prenatals every day (not just when i remembered). i had my first beta and it was 10x higher than the (super low) first one i'd had in december, so i was feeling super optimistic. i headed back to the doctor 48 hours later, only to learn that the levels had dropped. again. i would have another loss - it was just a waiting game at this point. i was devastated, needless to say. i felt like i was doing all the right things and i was powerless to stop it.

i was on a work trip alone in southern california for that one, and that did help in some weird way. i was able to focus on going to bed early and spending quiet time with my thoughts. it was a strangely healing trip. i saw my doctor in mid-march, after the trip, and she assured me again that this wasn't happening because something is wrong with me - it's happening because my body is doing what it's supposed to do. she also advised me to start taking baby aspirin daily, which i've researched and decided is a good choice for me.

and then. we were planning to take another month off, but last week when things felt late, i decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. it was positive. faint, but positive. i was worried because i didn't feel pregnant this month, and the faint line was already a trigger for me. but i thought to give it 48 hours and pee on a stick again. the line would surely be darker.

but it wasn't. it was lighter. so here i am again, waiting. it's the oddest feeling. i'm trying to be optimistic and positive. i know a lot of women have a much harder time than i'm having conceiving a single child, let alone a third. i am beyond grateful for ek and hollis - they are perfection and i feel unbelievably blessed and honored that they are mine. and yet. justin and i believe there is room in our lives and our hearts for another child, another person. our family is whole, but maybe it's not complete, not quite yet. we will see,

miscarriages and pregnancy losses are such a taboo subject. they are incredibly, tragically common. as many as one in four pregnancies ends in a loss. but they are also extremely isolating. people don't talk about it. it's incredibly hard for your partner to understand it, even if they are super supportive and patient and loving through the whole thing (as mine is). it's hard to articulate all the feelings around it - sadness, guilt, denial, fear. and then there's the hope, hanging on. the hope that there will be one more person at our dinner table, someday. that i will eventually take a pregnancy test and see a blazing pink line that i know means a strong, healthy little human is getting ready. that i won't live in perpetual fear when i do ultimately get pregnant again. there's always the hope.

so for now, i am going to continue working to be healthy and calm and full of gratitude. i'm doing another whole30, with my parents this time! i'm doing a lot of yoga and it is making me feel really good. i'm hugging my babies as much as they'll let me and trying to take a lot of deep breaths.