commit to fit.

i am doing this program through my employer.  it's called commit to fit and it's 10 weeks or so and the goal is to lose 5% of your BMI, as long as your BMI is above a certain level (mine is - ha!).  anyway.  i feel like a dork half the time.  more than half the time.  there's lots of cheerleading and other people in the program, so it's all about accountability and motivation and all of that.  so, lots of earnestness.  which i fear.

anyway.  i'm giving it a shot.  i am tracking my food (most of the time), trying to make good choices and exercise portion control, trying to squeeze in some activity every day (even if it's just getting up from my stupid desk now and then).  we shall see.  it's hard for me to think about all the weird mental baggage i have wrapped up in my body image, so i'm just focusing on the fact that this is about being healthy so i can model healthy behaviors for my kids and be in good shape to play with and enjoy them for many, many years to come.

feeding mommy.

hollis still isn't eating much, despite the fact that his teachers said he ate all the food we packed for him yesterday. he's not eating in front of me, at least. last night at dinner, we had chicken and steamed carrots and sauteed spinach - all things he loves - and he was having none of it. he was squawking about the whole thing, so i picked him up to put him on my lap, hoping he might take a few bites off my plate. no dice, but he did decide to feed me, which was hilarious and the cutest thing ever. he would shovel like 4 or 5 bites of carrot into my mouth and then just laugh and laugh.

also last night, emme got to open a pair of shoes that daddy bought for her. this kid is so girly sometimes - she loves shoes and dresses. who knows where she gets that, because it's definitely not from me. anyway...she LOVED these fancy shoes and wore them until bath time. this morning when she woke up, the first thing she whispered to me was "mommy, i love my new shoes". she was not thrilled that it was raining today so we vetoed her wearing them to school.

as an aside, i went to candlelight yoga last night with alison. it's the first full yoga practice i've done since before i got pregnant for emme and i can barely move my shoulders from all the vinyasas. i had forgotten how physically and mentally challenging yoga is, in the best way possible. i wish it weren't so expensive. i set my intention to be kinder to myself. i think i'm going to need to do a lot more yoga to get there.

some updates.

i have been pretty neglectful of the blog lately.  i’ve posted, but the postings haven’t felt comprehensive or complete – they’ve really just been an exercise in getting it checked off my to-do list.  which is not the point of this, at all (even though there are certain documentary-type things that just have to be done…that doesn’t mean i need to strip the fun out of it).  anyway, this may be rather boring for some folks, but please bear with me as i share a few updates…

the nanny situation:

there was one super crazy week where things were all kinds of up in the air and i am pretty sure i developed eleventy billion stomach ulcers just thinking about it all, but we found a short-term nanny on a website our friend dp let us access through his subscription (sittercity.com).  i posted a very candid ad saying we needed something short-term and on short notice and we couldn’t afford to pay $20/hr (or really even close to that).  even though it was a long shot, we got some hits.  one girl, s, was very on the ball, so we had her come for an interview.  we liked her a lot – i especially liked that she talked to emme like a person and included her in the conversation.  she also miraculously has another nanny job set up for november, so she was looking for something short-term to fill the gap.  i’m a big believer in things aligning, so we did a trial day with her and her first full week was last week!  even though she is not mary poppins, i am amazed at how much more relaxed i am now that the previous nanny is out of the picture.  i was so stressed thinking about her taking the bus for hours every day (s has her own car and lives relatively close, whew), and wondering how much she would be on the internet ignoring ek.  we went to happy hour with vincent and his parents last week, and we all agreed it was amazing how we didn’t even realize how much we were internalizing that stress.  i imagine having emme in school will bring different challenges, but i am so excited for that new routine and the structure it will give to our family. 

the house situation:

the first six weekends in our new house consisted of the following: 1 – friends from Atlanta and boston visiting; 2 – hesterly move-in crew visiting (and helping!); 3 – emme has fever of 105; 4 – me and emme travel to lafayette to pick up mom; 5 – dad and gram visit and pick up mom; 6 – erin and derek’s baby shower was at our house.  so, it’s been a little frenetic.  but, between multiple visits from my parents and learning how to work in fits and starts, i think we’re feeling more and more settled every day.    my natural tendency is towards using large chunks of time to complete large projects all at once, but that is just not possible with a small human and the pace of life right now.  we are getting better, and the house is starting to feel like home.  emme has so much space to crawl and explore and she loves that.  pippa is in the biggest area she’s ever been in and she’s living it up, exerting her dominion over all of us.  the dogs do their wrasslin’ in the front living room and love everything, even though i think they miss their field.  and justin and i are really enjoying that our stuff has a place to go and we have room and opportunities to pursue our hobbies (haven’t had a lot of time for those hobbies just yet, but the possibility is there!).  anyway.  we have some pictures hung, the kitchen and emme’s room painted, and most rooms are furnished at a functional level.  what we get to do going forward is really put our own spin on all of it.  we hope to landscape and refinish some furniture and sew some curtains and paint some more and add shelves and personal touches here and there.  it should be a blast and i’ll post pics soon. 

the job situation:

this is a very different place than my last place.  during the insanity that comprised august, there were several occasions that i wondered what in the world i had been thinking, but i am starting to feel a lot better about it.  learning windows has been mildly challenging, but it’s not so bad.  the people here are nice.  there is a TON of career development and opportunity for me to learn and do new things, and that is really exciting.  is this job as ostensibly hip as my last one?  no.  but it’s a great job.  i am carving out a niche, just as i knew i would eventually do.  i probably won’t be here forever, but i will make the most of the time i am here, and i plan to enjoy it as much as anyone. 

the social situation: 

a random category that i haven’t written much about, but i feel like i’m maybe kinda sorta emerging from my cave.  it’s hard to be the kind of friend i want to be, and this is an area i want to really keep focusing on in the coming months.  two very close friends had babies in early august, and i have only met one of them (and that was only this past week!).  there is just no excuse for that, except all the excuses i’ve made.  ha.  anyway…we went to happy hour last friday, we’re having some friends over for dinner, and we’ve done a few other activities intermittently.  we’re also planning a housewarming party at some point, so that will be a great opportunity to see everyone.  i get so lazy and selfish of my free time sometimes that i forget how much i really like people and hanging out.  i am also so intense about emme’s sleep schedule, so there’s another opportunity for growth there….

the health situation:

when i turned 30 (30!), i vowed that i would start taking better care of myself.  i don’t know why this is SO hard for me, but it is.  i would prefer to do almost anything over all those little routine self-maintenance things like exfoliating and moisturizing and blow-drying my hair.  all of that just feels self-indulgent to me, even though i know in my heart that it is super important.  i also vowed that justin and i would exercise more and eat more healthily and generally start leading a more healthful lifestyle – for our own benefits, but also to get into the habit of setting a positive example for miss e.  i’m sorry to report there have been no earth-shattering changes at our house.  but i think we are making some baby steps.  last week, we saw our first sub-100 degree temps in over three months, so we took emme and the pups for a walk every single evening.  it was bliss.  of course, we’re back in the 100s this week, so we haven’t made it out, but my iphone tells me we’ll see a mini cool front this weekend, so hopefully we can get back to it.  i’ve also been planning our meals every night, so at least one meal each day is healthy and nutritious.  baby steps, i say!  for me, it’s really all about establishing a routine that i can count on, so i know what i’m doing.  i’m not a girl who does well with a loss of control…

so, if you persevered and read this whole thing,  i think that’s all the major status updates.  this is a really great time – my favorite time of year.  i’m obsessed with combing pinterest for ideas for emme’s halloween costume.  football is taking over our house.  the weather seems like it might someday feel less horrendous.  we have holiday excitement to plan for and anticipate.  emme is turning 1 in a month and a half (this is both amazing and heartbreaking).  we have so much to be grateful for. 

23 weeks.

no, i'm not randomly, secretly 23 weeks pregnant again.  there are 23 weeks until october 29, which is the weekend of a half marathon in new braunfels, tx.  i'm not running these days.  i'm not really doing any physical activity, other than lifting and monkeying around with my increasingly heavy bunny.  somehow, these activities are not getting me into fighting shape.  i know, i've been shocked too.  

anyway.  i am considering signing up.  for a few reasons.  

1. it's before emme turns 1, so technically that means i've gotten back into some form of shape (the ability to run 13.1 miles kind) before she's a year old. 
2. i'm turning 30 in august and i'm kind of (really) freaking out about it (even though i know that's lame, i just am, ok?), and i'm thinking training for a race will give me something positive on which to focus my age angst.  
3. i am apparently incapable of doing things like exercise just because they are good for me and i need some sort of deadline/quest to get me off my (fat) butt.  

the training program i think i'll probably follow (if i decide to do this) is 17 weeks until the actual race (plus two recovery weeks afterward).  which means the 23 weeks i have to go right now is kind of perfect, since i should probably do some pre-conditioning before going whole hog into a training plan, due to the aforementioned atrophy of my muscles while growing a human.  

but, i am scared.  i keep making a lot of excuses about time and all that, but it's really not that much of a time commitment when you look at the schedule.  i can make it work.  but i'm scared.  i'm scared of how disappointing it is that i've let myself get to this point.  i'm scared that i will do the runs and feel horrible and be judged (and worse - judge myself) by everyone on the trails/road.  moving forward (literally and metaphorically) is so much harder than the status quo, even when the status quo makes me feel frumpy and discontent.  

so i guess we shall see.  i'll start this weekend if i'm going to start.  maybe.  at most i've got 5-6 weeks to pre-train before i have to make a real decision about actually training.  5-6 more weeks to figure out if the frump is really detestable enough to get me off the couch....