making some changes.

i have written about this a little in my personal journals and other places i don't share with the whole universe because this blog feels like a place for family stuff and pictures of my kids making weird faces. but, i'm the boss of what goes into this blog, and, honestly, it's the easiest place for me to chronicle what the haps is with our family, but also with my own life. me, being the author of this and whatnot. and also...i'm not a facebook sharer, really, especially not personal stuff, but i like the idea of some level of accountability or putting it all out into the universe.

so. the past...6 months? year? lifetime? i've been struggling a little bit. i have atrocious self esteem when it comes to my physical appearance. i can logic and reason through it all, but fundamentally, deep deep down in my heart, i am destructively critical of myself (particularly in the physical arena, although it extends beyond that a little bit too). beyond reason. beyond rational thought.

and here's the deal: it sucks. it is sucking the energy and joy out of me. it's interfering with all kinds of aspects of my life. and it is a horrendous example to my kidlets (even though i try super hard not to vocalize the negative self-talk, some elements of it eek into everything, and they are like wee adorable sponges that will inevitably soak it all up). and i'm freaking tired of it. i'm tired of hearing myself brush aside any compliment (verbally or mentally), tired of talking about how i used to look or that time when i was sorta kinda in shape. it needs to stop.

which brings me to now. i'm on a quest (meant to start this quest in january, but i didn't and that's ok) for self-healing. i need to heal my body from the abuses i've put it through (all the food i want, whenever i want, whatever it is), but i really really need to heal my mind from the barrage of awful self-talk i deal with minute-by-minute.

so what am i going to do? i'm going to take care of myself. i'm doing a whole30, starting today. for real. no excuses, just healing, good, real food. i'm going to move my body around every day - take the dogs for walks, chase the kids, have baby dance parties, do some sun salutations. i'm not going to criticize my inability to complete a crossfit workout today - i'm just going to do something every day. i'm going to drink a lot of water. i'm going to meditate. i'm going to read some healing, lovely words and i'm going to read some words that light my brain up. i'm going to love on my family and friends when i can and when i want to, and i'm going to give myself space to be by myself and focus internally when i need it. and i'm going to write, hopefully more than just sometimes.

looking back.

we're two weeks in to the new year, so i thought it was high time i back-date a post and reflect a little bit on 2014.

2014 was pretty crazy, but i guess that's every year. we rolled into the year in a new house, bought a new car the last day of 2013. hollis turned one. emme turned four. we left the school the kids had been at since the beginning and started a new adventure at a new school. i took a new role at the same company in august. we traveled to louisiana a few times, to colorado once, and jb made some solo excursions to san diego, new york, wichita, and d.c. (maybe more?). we lost one of justin's uncles in a car accident. we fired our financial advisor for being the worst person ever. we had a bizarro scenario with a chair. i started running again (kind of), we ate out too much.

it was a fast year. so fast.

when the year started i wanted for it to be slower. or for us to be slower? it's hard to know how to begin to make that happen in this day and age...but i still want to try again, since i don't really feel successful. i think 2014 was the year i finally started to come out of the postpartum funk that i denied i was in after hollis....and that was positive. but i think i need to capitalize on that a lot more in 2015. my goals/plans for '15 are a separate post, but a lot of them are similar to what i wanted when 2014 began...and i don't feel like i/we achieved everything we wanted to.

it's easy to get complacent, to make excuses. we are busy. the kids are little. we work a lot, our jobs are demanding, the kids need us constantly, the house requires a lot of work and thought, and etc. etc. etc. but somehow we have the same number of hours each week as everyone else. and we found time to sit and watch the entire breaking bad series, to read some trashy YA novels, to nap and ignore chores and leave the house in a state of disarray for days on end. all of that is ok, but i think it's time to stop putting off what we really want (in the long term) in favor of what we want right now.

here's to a fresh start.

lately.

i've been thinking a lot lately.  there's been a lot going on.  justin lost his job at the beginning of june.  that has been a new challenge for us to face together.  it was unexpected, and i think his boss handled it very poorly, but it is what it is.  i hate thinking that people will always always disappoint you, but that's how this has made us feel.  it has been a lesson in learning to get past anger (a relatively useless emotion in these types of situations) and focus on what we can/should be doing.

we had a great holiday week with family in town and lots of swimming and home time.  ek varies day to day (or hour to hour) between being the sweetest person that i've ever met and quite the little challenge.  i never know how much of it to attribute to her being 2 and how much of it i have control over/should or could be doing something differently.

anyway.  i've been thinking about getting down to the basics and how on most days i miss executing on even the most basic of functions.  i find myself making a lot of lists in my head about things i want to be doing on a regular basis and what level of incremental happiness and life satisfaction those things will deliver.  they are things like putting on eye cream because i'm about to be 32 and let's face it i should have started that years ago.  shaving my legs more than once every ten days.  staying awake while nursing hollis before bed without using my cell phone as a distraction/stay awake device.  making my daily list each night before bed.  using my evenings for something other than collapsing on the couch to watch jeopardy and play candy crush.  wearing my hair in some style other than a messy bun meaning it's still wet 10 hours later when i take it down.  packing lunches for myself/justin.  meal planning.  figuring out a time to exercise, run the dogs, plant some flowers, organize my crafts, do one small project every day....all the things, really.

days are so short.  and i struggle with feeling like i am rushing through the motions - that daily life is a continuous cycle of loading the dishwasher, cooking the meals, folding the laundry - but i'm not relishing the joy in those everyday things.  it begs the question of what the heck the point is.  why am i working to make money to spend on more crap to deal with when i don't actually believe that most of the random crap is important at all?

justin and i have been talking for months now about our house.  we love our actual house - the structure we live in - but we don't love our neighborhood.  at all.  when we bought, it was with the idea that we'd be here 3-5 years and move somewhere else when it was time for the kidlets to start school.  we've been here two years now and i think we underestimated our yearning for a neighborhood community.  i have a lot of thoughts about community in general and the absence of it (in a general sense) in modern life.  i feel like there are some fundamentals that are just missing and seem so hard to create/find, at least for me.

i'm really just rambling.  i don't have any solutions right now.  i'm trying to feel like less of a shadow of a person - to be fully present in each moment, especially with the children.  because they are pure magic right now and they, at least, are a source of incomprehensible joy to me.  everything else that i worry about, stress about, think about should probably take a back seat.

election day.

at some point tuesday morning, it occurred to me that in 4 more presidential terms (interestingly, the number of presidential elections i have participated in), emme kay will be voting.  i had to look it up, and her 18th birthday, november 7, 2028, will be a tuesday and an election year.  pretty exciting.

justin and i got up early and took emme to the polls to cast our votes.  i try not to get political on the internet, but i follow the issues very closely and have watched this election season with alternating fascination and disgust, and i feel like this is an historical occasion that warrants a blog post.  i'm not that old, but i don't remember a time when everything was so divisive. 

i hold deep convictions about certain issues.  education.  liberty.  protection for those that can't protect themselves.  the environment.  there are others, but i think those are the biggest four.  i believe that economic prosperity stems from a place where these issues are prioritized.   when i look at an election, at our political process, i try to think beyond what my own life and my own current reality are.  i try to think about the future of my children - what kind of world i want them to grow up in.  what kind of people i want them to meet and know.  i try to vote with my heart and with my head.  it is not always easy to do.  i cannot reduce everything i believe into one paradigm or the other - i don't even believe there are only two paradigms to fit within...i can only prioritize those topics that are most relevant and worrisome to me. 

even harder than the actual casting of my vote is dealing with the other humans in the world and their discussions about all this voting, this political-ness.  every member of my extended family, with the exception of maybe one, tends in a different political direction than i do.  every one that i work with leans a different way than i as well.  it's odd, but it makes me feel persecuted in some bizarre way.  it also makes me feel like i have to be quiet and reserved about what i hold to be true and dear, lest family and co-workers think "differently" of me. 

that is not a comfortable position, and it's not one that i relish.  i think of myself as a convicted person who is willing and eager to stand up for what i believe in.  but, in this time of facebook and sound bites, standing up for yourself is a quick and easy way to lose friends and alienate people.  too often, if you even begin a politically-charged sentiment, people assume they understand everything about what you think and why you think it.  i prefer to believe that we are all much, much more complex than that, so i try to stay out of it (publicly). i try to give people who write blanket (and false) statements like "obama is a muslim" the benefit of the doubt. 

obama was never my candidate.  i didn't love him in 2008 and i don't love him today.  do i believe he is the best candidate available right now?  yes.  is the foundation of that belief incredibly complicated and impossible to reduce down to a single issue?  absolutely.  i worry about the environment - will the air we breathe and the water we drink be clean for my children and their children?  i worry about opportunity - will my daughter(s) have access to the same jobs as men at the same pay?  will they be allowed autonomy over their own bodies - free to make the choices that our family morals and values guide them to make, not confined to some edict issued by the government?  i worry about the people we interact with daily - will they be educated?  healthy?  i feel a sense of brotherhood and compassion for my fellow citizens, and i also feel like the whole country is elevated when we raise up the "least of our brothers and sisters".  i worry about the economy, but only as far as i worry about the deep political and philosophical divide among those in power.  i think the economic system is far too complex and interdependent for one man to do much about - the world is different now, and we need to accept that and move on rather than hankering to policies that worked in the early 80s (or never worked at all).  i worry most about education, since i believe it's the foundation of everything - will i be able to afford to send my children to school?  will they have access to teachers who care?  who are not just pawns in some ridiculous union battle?  will college be affordable and attainable for them?  for their peers and friends?  i worry about safety - when money talks, how do those without it make people listen?  children, single mothers, the elderly - who is looking out for these groups when the government is looking out for corporations?   i worry about the rest of the world - we live in a completely different reality than what existed even 10-15 years ago...are we getting on board with that reality?  are we set up for success and peace among the international community? 

at the end of the day, these were just a few of the concerns that factored in to my vote.  i'm glad that obama won, but i don't think he's the answer.  i think there is a lot of work to do.  i find it interesting that some of the political opposition have said that obama did nothing over the last four years, but simultaneously believe he is capable of completely destroying everything good and pure in the universe in the next four.  one cannot be useless and all-powerful at the same time.  i also think the hyperbole around the destruction of our country and the blatant misinformation from mainstream news media is terrifying.  these are strange times, but i am hopeful that we can all take a minute to check our motives and our biases and decide to work together for the good of the whole.  after all, i've got kids to raise in this great land...

doing the best you can.

i had a mini meltdown yesterday while driving home from work.  my blood sugar has been high despite my attempts at doing what i think i'm supposed to be doing.  i actually don't even know if it's that high, or if i'm doing the right things.  i am just supposed to be monitoring until my next appointment, and then we will discuss and they will make recommendations. 
anyway.  it was a combination of factors, i guess.  i hate my job these days - it is so frustrating, and each day makes me feel like i made poor decisions somewhere along the way that led to me working in an industry i don't care about that i don't think is doing anything positive to change the world.  i haven't been sleeping well - i've been having weird dreams and i'm getting to the more uncomfortable phase of pregnancy (though it's really not even that bad yet), coupled with emme being noisier than usual in the night and all our pets deciding it's appropriate to tell me how much they love me in the wee hours.  i feel all these looming deadlines and functions floating on the horizon, but i just feel paralyzed by everything i want to do, so i haven't done anything.  and then, of course, the stupid gestational diabetes.  i realize this is not a big deal in the grand scheme and i have perspective, i swear.  but with my stupid sugar levels being crazy (i hear this can also be impacted by stress - ha.), i of course read too much about everything on the internet yesterday, and started flipping out about how i may get real diabetes in a few years and i am dooming myself to having a 900 pound baby who will have shoulders too big to deliver and will struggle with obesity his/her entire life, all because my body is not responding properly to insulin. 
so.  obviously, the flip out was somewhat ridiculous and i am much better now.  i know in reality how fortunate i am and that none of the things i'm grappling with right now are impossible to contend with.  i have perspective.  it just made me realize, once again, how hard i am on myself.  how do i teach my kids to not be like this?  when i was talking to my mom about it later in the evening, she reminded me that i am doing the best i can, and that's all anyone can do.  and my immediate mental reaction to that was "am i doing the best i can?".  but i think what i really meant in my head was "am i doing the best it could be done, by anyone ever, regardless of circumstances?".  because that is how i think - in absurd absolutes.  i'm much better about this than i used to be.  it's a constant work in progress.  but it's a tough way to live - always aspiring to unachievable standards and never content with your own journey.  i'll keep trying. 

school.

back in august, when things with liga were getting a little hairy, justin and i made the decision that when emme hit one year, it would be time for a new child care arrangement.  i really wanted her to get through the first year without being in a daycare environment because of her being a fall/winter baby and the exposure to germs and the security fostered by being in a consistent place at home every day and all the other reasons that go along with a decision like this.  hence, the nanny situation.  we toured a montessori school super close to our new house and really loved it.  the student : teacher ratio is small and the philosophy is all about empowering kids and fostering independence.  i like that stuff.  they believe that kids should learn by doing and that they're capable people who thrive in an environment centered around their learning process.  all good things.  needless to say, we decided we were on board, found our interim nanny, sharonica, and waited until the days of out-of-home hcildcare would begin.

i should note that we really loved sharonica.  she did an awesome job with emme and was fun and easy to have around our house.  she will be our go-to baby sitter from here on out.  when it was time for her to go, we were all super sad, but i stand firm that this is the right decision for emme right now....

that being said, school started last wednesday and it has been a much harder transition than i anticipated.  first, emme woke up sunday night in the middle of the night with a fever of 104.  it only lasted a day, but was accompanied by diarrhea (super fun), and it was obvious that she just felt miserable.  she also wasn't really eating or drinking for a day or two, but i didn't really have the work flexibility to delay her school start any longer.  so, wednesday (one day later than scheduled), we loaded up for the first day.  the school likes to do a staggered approach for integrating into the class, so the first day is 60 minutes of school time with the parents in the room, off to the side as a touch point if they're needed.  emme did awesome on this day - we were SO proud.  she participated in circle time and enjoyed being outdoors and only crawled over to us a couple of times to check in.  the second day is 60 minutes with her by herself, so i dropped her off at the normal time, went home for about an hour, then went back after snack to pick her up.  drop off was hard, but not awful.  she was ready to come home, but she handled the situation.  friday, she made it through lunch, which was hard for her because it was the first day she missed her morning nap (the class does one nap, even though she's free to take two or rest whenever she wants to, i think she doesn't like to miss out on any action).  anyway, she got home and crashed out.  all was well.

saturday morning she woke up with a cold.  this is the first cold ever, which is pretty good i think.  but, it was to be expected, and she was NOT a fan.  her little nose was super runny, she hated the saline nasal spray, and she had a really hard time sleeping because her thumb in her mouth made it harder to breathe.  pitiful.  anyway.  monday was like starting over from scratch with her still not at 100%.  she did ok once i was gone, but she bawled and clung to me as i was leaving.  i had a mini breakdown in my car on the way to work.  i went to get her after nap (3:30ish), only to learn that she didn't really eat or sleep the whole day.  great.  tuesday and wednesday were variations on that theme, though each day is really getting a lot better, the teachers say.  she loves being outside, playing with instruments, and balls.  her nap mat is her safety zone, so she spends some time there, even if her sleep hasn't been great while at school (she did sleep a little over an hour yesterday, which was awesome progress!).

i don't know.  earlier this week i was having internal crises about it because it breaks my heart to leave her when she's crying and grabbing me and saying mama in her saddest little voice ever.  but as her cold is getting better and better, she is seeming more and more like her normal self, and the teachers say she's really engaged and happy for the most part during the day.  they also tell me it can take a month for them to adjust to a new environment like this, and it's only been a week (and only two full days at that) and she's doing so much better.  she is also happy to see me and seems adjusted and happy when i go to pick her up, so i think that's a good sign too....

i guess this is just one of many hard things i will have to do as a parent.  there is always a choice to make, a decision to live with.  days like today, when she is burying her sweet face in my neck and begging me not to leave, i think being a working mother has to be the most gut-wrenching job ever.  but i know that no path is easy and we are all just doing the best we can.  as my mom says, i need to loosen the noose around my own neck and quit feeling guilty for what i really do believe is the right decision.  i think this school offers a great opportunity for her to experience being around other kids, learn exciting new things, and explore her world.  i believe they really care about kids' development and that they want her experience there to be the best it can be.  it's just taking me a little while to adjust.

piper doesn't live here anymore.

it's been a while.  the past several weeks have been a tumult, and, as i am wont to do, i am undertaking about a zillion life changes all at one time.  whee.  i am going to try to avoid the cliches of "it's not personal, it's business" and "nothing is certain but change" and "this too shall pass".  ha.

i quit my job last week.  tomorrow is my last day at the company i've worked for the past almost six years.  i start a new job on monday.  i turn 30 on tuesday.  30!  it's really not a big deal, i hear.  we moved last weekend.  slash we are still moving now.  the hesterly family (and friend) brigade will be here tomorrow to help with the settling, which means we will collectively breathe a sigh of relief.  but in all, a lot is happening, with more always on the horizon (paint colors, pergolas, projects).

i am a person who does relatively well with change.  i don't fear change or avoid it at all costs the way some people do.  but it's still a stressor.  i'd put this year/18 month time period on par with the 2006/2007 period in terms of the crazy.  that was the year i ran a marathon, bought a house, got engaged, started graduate school, and got married within 12 calendar months.  i'm tired again just thinking about it.  so now this will be the year i got pregnant, finished graduate school, had a baby, bought a new house, and changed jobs.  even when you do well with change, this bombardment can be a bit overwhelming.

anyway.  i am really happy and excited about the new house and the new opportunity at a new company.  i believe both are absolutely the best decisions for me and for our family in the long-term.  but i still have that small square in my heart that is grieving the losses that these changes represent (even though the over-arching experience is a net-gain).

this job, the one i'm leaving.  i kind of fought for this job, and i won and i made it what i wanted it to be (or was working on that, i guess).  that makes it feel so much more personal to me.  like i made my own little nest in a big corporate animal den.  and now i'm abandoning it.  it took me a little while, but i have a small group of people i care a whole lot about that i will miss.  and as much as you say you're going to keep in touch, do lunch, reach out, come back some day...the reality is that people get busy and move on and it's harder and harder to do that.  i also feel like i am abandoning some projects and people, even though it really IS just business, and the show will go on.  i am not indispensable, clearly.  no one is. 

so this is it.  there will be cake and a few hugs and a few nice words from a few folks.  and these are all really excellent.  and monday i will venture out into the unknown.  i will work on a windows machine - gasp!  i will, slowly but surely, i imagine, make new friends and find new things to work on and get excited about.  i will be annoyed by internal systems and corporate red tape but excited to have this opportunity and to be in the place that i am.  just like i have been.  it will be weird and it will take a while, but i will turn the new job (and the new house) into a home....

on raising a daughter, part 1.

i'm feeling all writerly today, so i apologize for the increase in words - particularly serious ones.  i came across this article this morning and it got me thinking. 

for those that don't feel like chasing links around the internet, the article talks about how people respond when they meet little girls.  they instantly go to value judgments about how precious/clean/well-dressed/beautiful said girl is.  and i do the same thing, which sort of boggles my mind.  these girls ARE all of those things, of course, but that is not all they are.  and the immediate observation of it seems to be doing a disservice to generations of girls who now value beauty over substance (the statistics in the article are terrifying).  this is something i've struggled with in my own life (and still do) - at times choosing to underplay whatever physical attributes i have in favor of being taken more seriously as an intellectual.  both extremes are a lose/lose for women and girls in so many ways.  i can recount about a zillion stories around this issue - it's not some revolutionary topic - but what i loved about this article was the proposed solution.  ask the little girl about her hobbies, her ideas.  what she likes and why.  offer to do an activity with her - read, color, dig in the dirt.  i hope i can keep this focus on substance at the forefront of her development, even though i will continue to dress her in adorable outfits and make sure she's clean (most of the time...).  but i worry about all the outside influencers.  when you start tallying up the number of hours your little monkey is outside of your realm versus inside, it gets depressing.  how do you combat reality television and skintight clothing and mascara commercials?  how do you ensure that your daughter(s) place a greater emphasis on their heads and hearts but also make sure they know it's still ok to take pride in/be comfortable with the way they look?  how do they become people that grow more beautiful as you get to know them because of all the exuberance and personality they possess?  

the bottom line is that i DO think my daughter is beautiful.  but the things i love the most about her are her curiosity and her stubbornness, her precociousness and her big heart - and that's just the beginning.  i am sure the list of traits i love will expound into eternity....i just want to make sure i remember to tell her about all of those things instead of just talking about her eyelashes and her complexion....

baby birds.

they hatched last week.  wednesday, if i remember correctly.  small pink pulsing things with not a feather between them.  one of the eggs did not hatch, and that was our first loss.  we wondered about the environment, the timing.  maybe that was the one she laid first - a day before the other two - and it just wasn't quite ready.

but the other two made it.  it's hard to know what thriving means in the world of baby birds and wild things.  they were growing - anyone could see that.  but the mama was there less and less as the days went by.  we rationalized that maybe the nest was now too small for all of them.  surely they didn't need her constant vigilance - food was more important, right?  in any case, they grew and grew.  more than tripled their size by the time we got home on sunday afternoon.  sprouted delicate and unfathomably tiny feathers on their little baby wings.  hung their faces out of the nest, mouths gaping, waiting for their next meal.  justin read that they eat every 20 minutes when they're this little....and i thought a human baby was a demanding eater.

i guess it was too much for her.  this morning when i left for work, i saw one on top of the other.  i hoped maybe they were just sleeping, nestled in with each other.  but justin looked closer when he was leaving, and the bottom one had no open beak, no quick pulsing breaths coursing through its little body.  the live sibling was in bad shape, too, so justin scooped him up and brought him to work.  fed him mashed dog food and water.  have i mentioned the drought we're having in texas?  this is the manifestation.

justin is on his way with our little survivor - bringing him to a wildlife rescue place where they are trained in the art of baby bird rehabilitation.  i guess we'll see.  but i do hate the reminder of how nature gives but it also takes away.

here's a pic of marcus, our little survivor, in the incubator when justin dropped him off at the wildlife place. we hope he's a fighter!

email rules.

i work in an office and live in the year 2011.  i think i probably get well over 100 emails a day.  some days are worse than others - i'm trying not to over-use hyperbole.  i like email - it's a fast (debatably), easy way to communicate with people and i'm not a phone talker.  that being said, email can suck my life and time away like nothing else.  it's pervasive: on my computer, on my phone, on my ipad.  the little ding of a new mail message coming in and i obediently pick up a device and attend to it.  and half the time it's nothing - a facebook update (kill me), a lost pet in my area, yet another coupon code for shutterfly.  the worst is when it's from someone i know or work with, and i anticipate a quality message and instead receive something completely inane - an invitation to participate in their name-the-band contest; a request to come out to one of the endlessly recurring dj gmau parties at even though i've never been to a single one; a forward about religion or politics or even puppies or the saints.  it's not that i don't care about peoples' opinions on those issues.  i do, actually, even when they differ from my own.  but i would love to read those opinions from the real person.  i would appreciate seeing pictures they have taken of cute animals.  does that make sense?  

anyway...i read blogs because i like having control over the content i am ingesting.  you can write about or post whatever inane stuff you want on a blog and people will either read it or they won't, but it's not accosting them in their email inbox, demanding their attention.  it's pull marketing - my favorite kind (in theory).  one of the blogs i read is seth godin's - he is a writer and marketer and something of a guru in the realm of idea generation and changing everything (in an awesome, constructive way).  so, seth recently re-posted a list of rules for email he wrote about 3 years ago and i thought it was great, so i'm re-posting it.  some of these don't apply to any/every bit of correspondence (especially personal as opposed to business correspondence), but they are all good to consider but i especially love #s 18, 27, 28, 29, 31, 33, and 36.

1. Is it going to just one person? (If yes, jump to #10)
2. Since it's going to a group, have I thought about who is on my list?
3. Are they blind copied?
4. Did every person on the list really and truly opt in? Not like sort of, but really ask for it?
5. So that means that if I didn't send it to them, they'd complain about not getting it?
6. See #5. If they wouldn't complain, take them off!
7. That means, for example, that sending bulk email to a list of bloggers just cause they have blogs is not okay.
8. Aside: the definition of permission marketing: Anticipated, personal and relevant messages delivered to people who actually want to get them. Nowhere does it say anything about you and your needs as a sender. Probably none of my business, but I'm just letting you know how I feel. (And how your prospects feel).
9. Is the email from a real person? If it is, will hitting reply get a note back to that person? (if not, change it please).
10. Have I corresponded with this person before?
11. Really? They've written back? (if no, reconsider email).
12. If it is a cold-call email, and I'm sure it's welcome, and I'm sure it's not spam, then don't apologize. If I need to apologize, then yes, it's spam, and I'll get the brand-hurt I deserve.
13. Am I angry? (If so, save as draft and come back to the note in one hour).
14. Could I do this note better with a phone call?
15. Am I blind-ccing my boss? If so, what will happen if the recipient finds out?
16. Is there anything in this email I don't want the attorney general, the media or my boss seeing? (If so, hit delete).
17. Is any portion of the email in all caps? (If so, consider changing it.)
18. Is it in black type at a normal size?
19. Do I have my contact info at the bottom? (If not, consider adding it).
20. Have I included the line, "Please save the planet. Don't print this email"? (If so, please delete the line and consider a job as a forest ranger or flight attendant).
21. Could this email be shorter?
22. Is there anyone copied on this email who could be left off the list?
23. Have I attached any files that are very big? (If so, google something like 'send big files' and consider your options.)
24. Have I attached any files that would work better in PDF format?
25. Are there any :-) or other emoticons involved? (If so, reconsider).
26. Am I forwarding someone else's mail? (If so, will they be happy when they find out?)
27. Am I forwarding something about religion (mine or someone else's)? (If so, delete).
28. Am I forwarding something about a virus or worldwide charity effort or other potential hoax? (If so, visit snopes and check to see if it's 'actually true).
29. Did I hit 'reply all'? If so, am I glad I did? Does every person on the list need to see it?
30. Am I quoting back the original text in a helpful way? (Sending an email that says, in its entirety, "yes," is not helpful).
31. If this email is to someone like Seth, did I check to make sure I know the difference between its and it's? Just wondering.
32. If this is a press release, am I really sure that the recipient is going to be delighted to get it? Or am I taking advantage of the asymmetrical nature of email--free to send, expensive investment of time to read or delete?
33. Are there any little animated creatures in the footer of this email? Adorable kittens? Endangered species of any kind?
34. Bonus: Is there a long legal disclaimer at the bottom of my email? Why?
35. Bonus: Does the subject line make it easy to understand what's to come and likely it will get filed properly?
36. If I had to pay 42 cents to send this email, would I?

leaving the house.

way back when, i was out and about all the time.  i would head down to book people and curl up in a chair and read there.  i would duck in and out of boutiques, music stores, grocers.  i would languish for hours at friends' houses, in cafes, at random restaurants.  when i started grad school, i became a bit more homebodied.  homebodied?  sure.  being at work all day and then at class until 9:30 two nights a week, i started to relish my time in our house.  this also roughly coincided with us owning a house, so that may have something to do with it too.  in any case, i kept it closer to the casa, but i could still pry myself away for a happy hour or yoga class or dinner with friends.

since having emme, i feel like i have crawled into my little hermit shell with my young and i am not budging.  in addition to wanting to keep it closer to home for the bunny, i am a control freak (shocker, i know).  i feel like tying myself to the house gives me some small sense of dominion over the deluge of chores that i face daily.  i live in a mountain of laundry (i can't decide if i hate clean or dirty laundry more...), i wash bottles incessantly, i attend to the living creatures that cohabitate with us, all of whom have needs (alas, the joy of pethood, motherhood, wifehood).  despite knowing that our house will never stay clean, that there is no place to put things to feel more organized, that i will never have time to read all the books/do all the crafts i want, i feel like being there at least puts those pipe dreams into the realm of the possible....  home is my safe nest, regardless of any accompanying frustrations.  i feel the possibility of control there.

last night, though, i was coerced out of my abode to meet some girlfriends for a  chick flick.  i'd read the book and i'm a sucker for a cheesy romcom (hate that term).  the movie was fun and seeing the girls was lovely, despite not having too much of a chance to visit.  and somehow, when i got home, it was the sweetest place i have ever been.  i was happy to be loading the dishwasher at 10:13 and hauling clean diapers out of the dryer at 10:46.  it was such a little thing to do, leaving the house.  relinquishing that control over my fiefdom for just a minute.  i was gone for not a full three hours.  but it gave me brand new eyes coming back.  i will have to consider doing this more often.


*note: i re-posted this because of the blogger mishap yesterday.  boo for blogger!

i can't take credit.

but i think this quote was written for me.

perhaps the approval of every person in the entire world doesn't need to be the goal of your life.

back on the saddle.

or is it in the saddle?  i never remember.  in either case, i am working out again, as of monday.  i meant to start last week (woops), but i kept forgetting my gym clothes, so this is the week.  gabby is my little personal trainer/accountability buddy.  she does all the hard work like planning our workouts and pestering me to meet her at the gym and encouraging me not to eat 17 loaves of bread.  i mostly just whine about how much i hate working out because i am ridiculously out of shape.  i also randomly burst into fits of laughter because of how silly we look doing all this plyometric stuff.  in any case, i am so sore right now i can barely move.  when i pick up emme (ouch), it feels like she's gained about 12 pounds.  it's discouraging to feel how hard all of this stuff is, especially knowing that i was in decent shape at one point (never great shape, but i can say decent...).  oh well...i will get there again, right?

the hardest part of exercising right now is my easy lapse into negative self-talk.  i know i need to stop that (for a number of reasons), but it's so much easier (and occasionally hilarious) to be self deprecating for some reason.  i am clearly not a person that was back in her pre-pregnancy jeans 2 weeks after giving birth.  it would be easy to say those people are freaks of nature, but i know they're not.  i'm friends with/related to tons and tons and tons of them.  of course, you can always find people to compare yourself to if you're looking for them.  i've struggled with my weight pretty much since i became aware of my weight (sometime in mid-high school i think?).  i've been on a 10-50 pound yo yo since freshman year of college.  i certainly can't really remember ever feeling comfortable and secure in my own body.  when i ran the marathon is the closest i came, but i would have still told you i wasn't satisfied, even then (almost 30 pounds smaller than i am now).

but now i am realizing that i need to curb the judgment and self analysis for more than just myself.  i don't want emme to see her mom being so critical of her own body, knowing that it will teach her better than anything i can tell her to internalize that criticism of herself.  i want her to respect her body and love it for its remarkable form and its ability to perform so many amazing functions (the irony of its greatest function, housing a baby, being that which has brought out its greatest criticisms from me has not escaped me).  being a girl is really hard for so many reasons.  i need to be an example of the kind of woman i want my daughter to be - one who knows how to work hard and take care of herself.

having it all.

i've been thinking a lot lately about having it all.  i think about it when i'm sifting through dirty cloth diapers to make sure all the inserts were separated before i wash them.  i think about it when i'm washing the parts of my pump for the billionth time so i can make sure to have clean gear for making emme's food at work.  i think about it when i'm trying to wrangle all the bottles so she has clean ones to eat from when i'm gone and for me to pump into.  i think about it when i'm strapping weird gear to myself while shut into my office and feeling like a strange alien.  and i think about it when i'm being spit up on for the 4th time in a single feeding right after i've finally showered and changed into a clean top.

i haven't done any significant exercise since the little nibs was born - in fact, i can't even imagine when i would squeeze in an hour for a run (or a fast walk....).  my sewing machine is gathering dust in the laundry room even though i have like 27 project ideas i want to work on.  my culinary adventures consist of throwing frozen vegetables in a crockpot.  my eyebrows aren't waxed or even tweezed and my hair lives most of its life in a ponytail.  the dogs still get love and exercise, but not as much of either as they (or i) would like.  justin and i have our most in-depth conversations via email while at work.  and my friends and family, well...i'm trying, but i am sure i'm falling way short of the mark on that front too.  

the truth about all of this is that i'm happier and more fulfilled now than i can ever remember being.  i believe i've always been a relatively happy person - there are some notable exceptions, but the overarching experience of my life has been a happy one.  and these days that are rushing by in a blur of work and house work and ill-fitting clothes....each one of them is a little treasure in my heart.  the quick sit-down for a bite to eat after emme has gone to bed.  the open-mouthed grin with a throaty coo mid-nursing.  the warmth of little bitty clothes, fresh from the dryer.  the sweet squeaks that wake me up in the middle of the night.  

the promise of the feminist movement and, later, my generation of entitled and self-proclaimed "gifted" boomers' kids was that we could have it all and make it look easy.  climb the corporate ladder, dress like you're in a vogue (or at the very least real simple) spread, have babies that are polite and clean and well-adjusted.  not to mention have passionate and selfless marriages, host elaborate dinner parties, hone interesting hobbies, and keep up with world events and current literature.  or maybe this is all just my interpretation...a telltale sign of my enduring quest for perfection and my exhaustively high standards.  in any case, this promise (or this pipe-dream) is much more real in real life.  ha.  but i love it.  the little details beneath the veneer - the gamut between the spit-up and the toothless smiles - are the things that are interesting and good and true.  having it all is in the perspective.