hi there 2017.

a lot has been going on. i mean, clearly in 6ish months some things are bound to happen. writing has not been one of those things, but i do miss the exercise of chronicling our lives and whatnot, so i am going to attempt to catch back up and re-commit to this little corner of the interwebs.

i lost my job in november. it was a routine layoff, part of the divestiture of my company away from dell. they laid off something like 1/3 of the employees, so i guess i was in good company. it still sucked. i think i have made it through all the stages of grief with that whole thing - probably not in order, but i am working on it. anyway. i've run the gamut of emotions from relief to devastation to complacency to self-doubt (times a million) to anger to...well, you get the idea. i thought i would jump right back into the workforce without really having to try, but that hasn't been the case.

shortly after getting laid off, i found out i was pregnant. again. after four losses in 2016. so, needless to say, there was a lot of mental and emotional stuff there. i had switched doctors after my fourth miscarriage because i felt like my former practice (that i loved) was not taking my situation seriously at all and i knew i could not abide another loss. i had some tests run in september and everything looked fine, thankfully. my new doctor prescribed progesterone for when/if i became pregnant again. she recommended taking it beginning with a positive pregnancy test along with a baby aspirin. so i did. and it worked. and now here i am, 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. it feels like a miracle, though i guess life is always a miracle, right?

anyway. between those two major events/shifts happening concurrently, public discussion of what's going on (i.e. blogging) hasn't seemed ideal. i felt pretty terrible and also quite terrified for the bulk of the first trimester. and then i was trying to get hired somewhere asap before i started showing in the second trimester. and now...well, now i am trying to get hired in the mid-late second trimester while sporting a sweet belly. the universe works in mysterious ways.

i have had some amazing support and solidarity (justin, many of the friends who've been "in the know", my family), and some disappointingly, very upsettingly unsupportive encounters. i waffle between the intense desire to explain myself (i know how babies are made; yes, this was planned - maybe not the timing, but the baby for sure; the layoff wasn't expected; i really do like/need to work and taking a year off BEFORE a baby is born is not ideal; how would you feel in my situation; etc.) and the very real feeling that it's nobody's business. i guess pregnancy is normally filled with all the feelings, and this one is no exception, even if the feelings are different/bigger than i would have anticipated.

so those are the big things. beyond that, we had some incredible holidays, hollis turned four, emme has rocked her kindergarten year, and we are generally extremely happy and healthy and thankful for everything that's going on in this sweet little life of ours. i'll back date some pictures and other updates soon.

while i was away...

some pics of ek at school. her teacher sent me these, letting me know she was missing me this week.

work travel.

i'm in california for work this week. it's a long week - i left at 6 monday morning and won't be home until late friday night. but it's been a good trip. i'm more revved about my job than i have been in a long long long time, and i've actually done a decent job sleeping and being social this week, both things i have historically struggled with during work trips.

it was hard to leave the kids this time, especially ek. she has been super delicate and fragile lately - very sensitive. i am not always good at handling it/knowing what to say to her when she gets upset about something. i tried prepping her a few days before i left so i didn't just leave in the night without warning, but i am not sure if this made it worse? she had anxiety about it from the moment i told her, especially the night before my departure. she even got out of bed about an hour after we thought she was asleep sunday night and came into the living room, teary-eyed, to ask me "who's going to be the mommy while you're gone?". my sweet girl. it's hard not to get frustrated at her hyper-emotional states, especially when they interfere with her sleep and hollis's (because sleep helps with the emotions, too - a catch-22). but i'm trying to be patient, encourage her to use her mindfulness tools, and breathe through it.

anyway. i'm ready to be home, in spite of the good week. i think we're going to go camping saturday night and we have a fundraiser for ek's school sunday evening that should be super fun too. i miss jb and those little mongrels.

not enough coffee in the world.

hollis woke up at like 3-something this morning. flipping. out. he's a light sleeper most nights and can make some noises that we usually either ignore or block out with the bathroom vent noise, but it became very clear almost immediately that this was not the usual brief night waking. i'm not sure if it was a night terror or what (emme never had those, so i am confused by what i'm supposed to do, etc.), but he was super upset. i held, rocked, and nursed him for about an hour until he finally went back to sleep, only to wake again at 6:15. oh, sleep, how you elude me.

because i was tired, this morning basically sucked. my attitude sucked, which made me meaner than i usually am, which made me guilty and sad about the way it all broke down. ugh. all my clothes fit weirdly today, so i just feel half put-together (or not even that, as half put-together is about the best i ever do). my hair is doing some weird stuff that i don't know how to deal with. emme dumped every single book in hollis's room into the middle of the floor. she demanded to wear her elsa costume to school (um, no, dude) and flipped out over the heel of her socks being "rumbled-y". hollis had a conniption when i tried to change his shirt that was soaked through with drool because i put the bear shirt on him (he chose the bear shirt) and he changed his mind mid-wardrobe-change and demanded the shark shirt. then he got all withdrawn and sad and just held his shark shirt in his little hands. these kids know how to play me like a fiddle.

even writing all this down right now, i realize that it's nothing. it's just a day. i hate how being tired or stressed (or both) is like a virus taking over your brain, turning normal interactions into adversarial crappy parenting. this morning my mom told me that my kids are extremely demanding/difficult, but i don't really think that's true. i think they're just kids, doing kid things, getting in the way of all the other non-essential things that eat up my day. sigh.

back to it.

dear hollis,

my sweet boy.  yesterday was my first day back at work and the longest i've been away from you since you were born.  it wasn't too terribly horrible, mainly because you are still phasing in at school, so i got to pick you up at 12:30 and see you between naps in the afternoon while working with kk taking care of you.  i have a feeling the reality of it all will hit me pretty brutally next week when you're gone for the full day and we're doing this whole thing by ourselves.

in truth, i feel like you and i got robbed.  your birth was so sudden and quick and i haven't really been able to catch my breath since.  we get better every day, but i spent so many days and weeks trying to figure you out, i need at least another month of quality time just enjoying who you are and who you're becoming.  but, such is life (or, at least, this life right now).

you are growing like a weed and are turning in to such a charming little monkey.  your smiles and almost-laughs are the highlight of my days.  we had to ditch your beloved pacifier last week because of the transition in to school, but you're learning to handle being without it as you learn to sleep and calm your body down.  there is such a lot to learn when you're a little niblet and i hope i'm guiding you gently but firmly in the right direction.

mostly i just want to tell you that i love you beyond belief.  i didn't know what it would be like, having two children, but it has just confounded me how you've made the size of my heart and my love grow into new dimensions.  i will miss being the one who sees you after every nap, who nurses you for every meal.  i will miss your sweet face burrowed in my neck when i relent and let you just doze on me instead of putting you down.  i will miss our errands and floor time, our hang outs with friends.  i will miss teasing you about how much you hate tummy time.  i will even miss lugging your car seat in and out of places and listening to you scream in the back seat when you get too tired.

change is really hard my love.  and in this case, it feels really unfair and unnecessary.  but you are in good hands and i will make it up to you by smothering you with all the kisses i can outside of daycare hours.

love,

mommy.

today.

i am tired and our house is slowly almost back to a semi-normal state after today.  today was a crazy day - the kind of day that makes me wonder how other moms do it and if i'm just completely inept.  anyway.  let me back up.
two weeks ago, when we went camping, emme woke up with super crusty eyes.  i was able to get her in to see her pediatrician that day, even though it was sunday, and she was diagnosed with yet another ear infection.  this was her fourth/maybe fifth.  since thanksgiving.  not lookin good.  our doctor is, mercifully, right in line with my own philosophies about such things - she is conservative about jumping right to surgical intervention.  she acknowledged that emme's ears looked bad, but said we would do one more round of antibiotics and just hope.
so.  yesterday was a little over two weeks since that appointment.  she did a 10-day round of omnicef that she finished on thursday.  over the weekend, her eyes started getting a little crusty again and she was tugging on her ears a bit, so i pretty much knew what the doc was going to say.  sure enough, when she looked, emme's ears still look "horrible", despite the full round of antibiotics.  ugh.  they gave her an antibiotic shot in the thigh that was the roughest shot she's ever had to take, and then referred me to a group of ENTs.
this morning, we scrambled to get out of the house for emme's 8:15 appointment with the pediatrician for a second antibiotic shot.  this one was even more painful, in the other thigh, for some reason.  it makes me so sad to see those big tears roll down her cheeks.  we got back home for a few minutes - long enough for a snack and a wardrobe change - and then headed over to the ENT.  i immediately felt very comfortable at that doctors' office - it was efficient but friendly.  a tech came and grabbed us for e's hearing evaluation.  we sat in a little sound booth and she played sounds and jiggled little animals that would light up after the sound played.  as expected, emme's hearing is definitely compromised - they explained it like listening to the world with wads of cotton in your ear or being underwater.  then, we met the doctor.  he showed me some pictures of what her ears look like compared to healthy ears and basically said we could get her back to good with a five minute surgery.  so, tubes will happen this coming monday.  i'm not thrilled about the anesthesia (is anyone?), but i will be super happy for my little bug to not have to deal with these ear infections anymore.  they said she will annunciate better and that her gait may change because her equilibrium will improve.  they said she may even sleep better, which is hilarious since she's such a great sleeper already.
around 11:30 we headed back to the house.  i had called e's school in the morning and they requested that i not bring her in if it was going to be past 11.  they really like to avoid disruption around meal/nap time, which i completely understand, but it's really really hard to try to balance a toddler running around your house with getting actual work done (i can't just take full days off unless i really need them or plan them in advance), and it's kind of annoying on days like today, considering what we pay in tuition.  anyway - sorry for the vent.  she went down for her nap right when we got home - she was totally worn out from the morning.  i scrambled to catch up from everything i'd missed that morning - like a bazillion emails and requests from all over the place.  i was hoping for a three hour nap so i could get through one of my afternoon conference calls before she woke up, but no such luck.  up by 1:30, i got lunch ready for her between replying to emails and analyzing spreadsheets.  lame.  then came time for my 2:00 conference call.  i did the only thing i could think of - turned on the tv.  i had snacks, milk, and her pillow there for her with loony tunes on, but for the next hour i tried to listen to everyone banter on speaker phone while trying to placate a super fussy, needy emme.  i think her injection site was hurting her, plus her ears, plus her two new teeth, plus the disruption in her routine and her too-short nap.  it was pure chaos.  so much so that i had to IM justin and ask him to come relieve me because i knew there was no way i could handle my 4:00 conference call in the same manner.
by the time he got home, our house had turned in to a den of meltdown.  justin walked in and was like WHAT happened here?  you know it's bad if he notices the insanity.  the living rooms looked like twin cyclones had passed through them - sharpies scattered everywhere, paper, mail, random items emme picks up and drops off on a whim, and every toy in our home splayed throughout the floor.  at one point i looked at emme and she had found the lid to a jar of cat treats and was gnawing on it.  seriously.
there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable and frustrated than not being able to devote my energy or attention to whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing.  it reminds me of grad school, when i felt like i was always sacrificing one thing to accommodate another and i was never 100% anywhere or at anything.  i often feel like this is the hallmark of the working mother...is that just me?  i love working, but sometimes it's really inconvenient to have people other than your family depending on you for stuff.  ha.  and it absolutely breaks my heart to not be able to drop everything and attend to my baby when she is sad or distressed about something.
anyway.  i got through my calls, got dinner ready for ek, got her bathed, and then we put her in the stroller for an evening walk and some fresh air.  that helped a lot.  once she was down, we straightened up and got our own dinner together.  it wasn't so bad, really.  it's just that feeling of being torn that i really hate.  it makes me feel so incompetent.

thankful: november 28.

after such an awesome week off, i am not especially thankful to be back at work (though i am thankful for my job), but i am thankful for a job with the flexibility i have.  i work with super nice people who all work hard, but also value their families and a sense of work-life balance.  i am so fortunate to be able to work from home some days (there are just some days when putting on shoes is too much), and to be able to finish things up at whatever hours work for me if i have to, say, bring ek to the doctor, or be available to meet a contractor or something like that.  since i have to work, i feel very lucky to have had the jobs/career that i have.

away.

my baby.  this week i am in philadelphia for work, which means you are home with your daddy, flying solo.  i left before 5 tuesday morning, debating but ultimately deciding not to wake you to tell you goodbye.  these three days are the only days in your life that i have not been around to kiss your sweet face when you wake up, and tuck you in when you go to bed.  in fact, the hours i spend at work every day are the longest stretch i’ve ever gone away from you.  that just makes this separation even harder.  in any case, i will be home late on thursday night, so i’ll be there to see you first thing friday morning and i can’t wait, already. 

it’s weird.  lots of people i talk to relish time away from their children.  i don’t think this means they love their kiddos any less (of course), but it puzzles me to think that there may be a time when i will look forward to time away as well.  i’m sure it will come, as every other surprising bit of this parent/child evolution has come, in its own time.  a couple of months ago, i could not imagine you NOT being attached to my hip for all hours of the day, and already you are so independent – content to scamper off and explore your environment with me nearby, but not necessarily interfering.  anyway.  being away from you now, for this long, feels like i am missing a piece of my own flesh – which in a sense i guess i almost am?  i miss you a lot.  of course, since you’re not here, i notice every single child in your age bracket and it creates a dull ache in my heart.  we were able to video chat briefly on the first day, but you started to cry when it was time to say bye bye and i wasn’t in the room for real, so i think it may be better for both of us if we hold off….

***i wrote the paragraphs above while i was still in philly and never finished/published my post.  i just want to say that you and your dad both did an amazing job while i was gone.  i am constantly impressed, amazed, and delighted by your adaptability and your resilience.  and i am totally pleased and grateful for what an awesome daddy you have.  i can be so hyper-functional and overbearing, i forget what a good job everyone does if i stop trying to micro-manage the whole situation. 

i should also note that i got to have a nice dinner out with some co-workers at a place called barbuzzo.  it is not to be missed, for anyone who visits downtown philly.  share plates and delicious wine – here’s a pic of the goat cheese taster plate we had that nearly made me faint from delight. 

nannies.

we threw a couples baby shower this weekend for our good friends erin and derek who have a little one coming in october.  i was stressed leading up to it, mainly because it was at our house (reminder that we moved in a month ago and we are not as fast at getting situated as other folks, i think...), and i was one of two hosts and the other girl is 36 weeks pregnant.  so, i just wanted everything to go smoothly and be fun for them.  and of course it was...i stress out so needlessly most of the time. 

anyway, leading up to the shower, i kept saying things like "if i can just execute this shower, everything will be perfect and wonderful and life will suddenly be completely without stress".  ha. 

to back up for a minute...we decided a few weeks ago to put emme in a montessori school when she turns a year old.  we had heard from several people that this school was awesome, and it is 1.2 miles away from our new house - amazing!  it is the only full-day, year-round montessori program in austin, so that was additionally appealing since we didn't want ek to be with different providers over the course of the day (i.e. school and after school care or whatever).  we also felt strongly that she needs to be in an environment with some structure and opportunities to learn, because she is SO busy and it's obvious that she wants more than what she's been getting at home.  so, we toured the school and met the director and watched the kids playing and engaging and we loved it. 

on the day of the tour, i had gone in to work and jb stayed home until i came to pick him up for the tour.  the nanny was there with the kids, as usual, and she asked justin what we were doing that day.  of course, he and i are both TERRIBLE liars and we didn't really have a plan of what/when to tell her, so he just said, oh, we're going to tour a day care this morning.  when i got back that afternoon, she asked me when we were planning to put emme in a daycare, and again with me and the inability to lie, i said probably around 1 year. 

this was a problem for a few reasons.  1. the school doesn't have an opening until nov. 1, so we really needed to keep the nanny until then; 2. we hadn't had a chance to discuss with vincent's family and figure out a plan; and 3. once you know your employment is on its way out, where is your incentive to work super hard?  and when it comes to your child, how do you enforce quality care in this scenario? 

so, we were stuck.  the day after we had the joint-family conversation with the nanny about moving on to a new arrangement in november, she asked if she could leave early the following day for some citizenship stuff.  we were skeptical, to say the least, but we accommodated her.  on that day, she put the babies down for naps almost 2 hours before when they should have gone down and just let them cry it out until they fell asleep.  she also spent that time primping for her interview and left the house in a mess.  needless to say, this was not a great start.  vincent's mom and i both had talks with the nanny the following day telling her we weren't ok with the super short notice, even though we knew we would have to be somewhat flexible as she looked for other jobs, and we most definitely were NOT ok with her trying to force the babies to align to her primping schedule. 

anyway...on friday of last week (the day after the conversations), when jb and i got home, we noticed that a chunk had been bitten out of our coffee table - literally, the wood is splintered.  it is obvious that it was emme that did it because of the shape of the bite and the fact that she's a wildebeest and tries to chew on the table all the time.  the level of chew indicates that she had to have been working on it for at least 10 minutes.  that means the nanny either watched her do that and didn't care (scary) or left emme alone in the living room on tile floor, unsupervised, for that long (scarier).  i also checked her browser history on our computer (which is in a room that the babies should never be in) and she had hit 386 web pages.  yowza.  we were obviously frustrated, but hoping to just make it through the next two months and then move on.  i was also hoping to preserve the relationship, as it would have been nice to have her babysit occasionally (if she ever got a car and didn't have to take the bus over 2 hours to be at our house). 

but, that wasn't to be.  on sunday morning, she texted us asking if she could have 9-1 off on monday, clearly ignoring the request for more advance notice.  vincent's family decided they were just done, and, after discussing it, jb and i decided we were over it as well.  beyond the recent frustrations, the logistical issues were becoming too much, so we just had to call and let her go. 

i have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  on the one hand, i do think that she loved emme (although, as her mother, i can say that i don't think it's hard to love my baby - ha).  she is enamored by babies in general, and i think she enjoyed her time with them and thought we were nice enough as well.  on the other hand, though, she definitely pulled a few stunts that i didn't like, and she was generally rather lazy.  there was no "light housekeeping" done - really, we had to ask her/remind her to pick up after herself and the kids.  she had the tv on most days, despite us making it clear that we weren't crazy about that.  lots of little things adding up to make me feel just sort of....meh about her.  i think she was a bit manipulative and took advantage (maybe not consciously, but advantage nonetheless) of it being our first time hiring someone in this capacity, and of the fact that we are relatively laid back etc etc. 

anyway.  the bottom line is that she is done, which is good and bad.  good because i think she had begun to detach from us and the kids in a major way, and i know how quickly emme can get hurt, so it makes me feel safer this way...but bad because we're without a nanny and both in new jobs.  i worked from home yesterday and our friend alison is watching emme with her daughter cameron at our house today.  tomorrow is emergency care through dell, and then thursday we're trialing a girl i found through a neighborhood group. 

we shall see.  but this situation is not the first time i've thought about the particular trials of working moms.  how do you just blindly allow a stranger to care for your most precious person?  ugh.

here is a pic of ek helping me "work" yesterday...

dear internet.

hi there.  it has been a while.  if you're friends with me in real life, you may have noticed that i haven't talked to you/returned your calls/remembered your birthday/etc.  i'm sorry.  i owe about 47 posts (or maybe just like 6 but still).  for now, though, i'm just going to blog a quick post about the recent trauma and subsequent sigh of relief that everything is really ok.  someday, when i have 2 minutes in succession to do anything other than collapse, i will post pictures and talk about all of this in greater detail, but for now, here is a list of what's gone on the past few weeks. 

• closed on a house the same day friends got in from out of town for 4 days
• quit job/started new job
• moved items to new house
• cleaned and prepped old house for renters
• hosted family and friends for help moving and unpacking
• turned 30
• emme turned 9 months old
• emme got roseola and had fever of nearly 105 - she was sick for 4 or 5 days and would not be more than 2 inches away from me
• both chickens died in a freak situation
• drove to louisiana with just me and emme to pick up my mom
• first 911 call for me
• emme's first stitches (staples) in her head
• dinner and hanging out with amy, patrick and amelia (awesome) in houston

i'm sure i'm leaving something out.  everything is fine, everything is nuts.  hopefully we're on the downhill slope, but i am not getting too optimistic...at the very least, i hope to be a more responsive and functional friend, even if the frenetic pace keeps up.  wheeee. 

piper doesn't live here anymore.

it's been a while.  the past several weeks have been a tumult, and, as i am wont to do, i am undertaking about a zillion life changes all at one time.  whee.  i am going to try to avoid the cliches of "it's not personal, it's business" and "nothing is certain but change" and "this too shall pass".  ha.

i quit my job last week.  tomorrow is my last day at the company i've worked for the past almost six years.  i start a new job on monday.  i turn 30 on tuesday.  30!  it's really not a big deal, i hear.  we moved last weekend.  slash we are still moving now.  the hesterly family (and friend) brigade will be here tomorrow to help with the settling, which means we will collectively breathe a sigh of relief.  but in all, a lot is happening, with more always on the horizon (paint colors, pergolas, projects).

i am a person who does relatively well with change.  i don't fear change or avoid it at all costs the way some people do.  but it's still a stressor.  i'd put this year/18 month time period on par with the 2006/2007 period in terms of the crazy.  that was the year i ran a marathon, bought a house, got engaged, started graduate school, and got married within 12 calendar months.  i'm tired again just thinking about it.  so now this will be the year i got pregnant, finished graduate school, had a baby, bought a new house, and changed jobs.  even when you do well with change, this bombardment can be a bit overwhelming.

anyway.  i am really happy and excited about the new house and the new opportunity at a new company.  i believe both are absolutely the best decisions for me and for our family in the long-term.  but i still have that small square in my heart that is grieving the losses that these changes represent (even though the over-arching experience is a net-gain).

this job, the one i'm leaving.  i kind of fought for this job, and i won and i made it what i wanted it to be (or was working on that, i guess).  that makes it feel so much more personal to me.  like i made my own little nest in a big corporate animal den.  and now i'm abandoning it.  it took me a little while, but i have a small group of people i care a whole lot about that i will miss.  and as much as you say you're going to keep in touch, do lunch, reach out, come back some day...the reality is that people get busy and move on and it's harder and harder to do that.  i also feel like i am abandoning some projects and people, even though it really IS just business, and the show will go on.  i am not indispensable, clearly.  no one is. 

so this is it.  there will be cake and a few hugs and a few nice words from a few folks.  and these are all really excellent.  and monday i will venture out into the unknown.  i will work on a windows machine - gasp!  i will, slowly but surely, i imagine, make new friends and find new things to work on and get excited about.  i will be annoyed by internal systems and corporate red tape but excited to have this opportunity and to be in the place that i am.  just like i have been.  it will be weird and it will take a while, but i will turn the new job (and the new house) into a home....

some days.

this morning i got up when liga knocked on the door.  this is not the first time that has happened.  i turned the alarm off at some hour after pressing snooze twice (i tell myself in my head that i don't want the alarm to wake the baby, but let's be honest i am dying for just a few more minutes of sleep).  i stumbled into the bathroom and noticed the creepy vein that's bulging out of my eye is still there.  it's not super noticeable, other than to me, but i see it.  justin doesn't want to look at it because he's grossed out by "things in eyes", but it's there and it's creepy.  i showered and then spilt breast milk on the counter trying to prepare emme's bottles for the day.  i nursed her when she woke up (25 minutes after us) and was rewarded with spit up on my clean shirt, which i half-heartedly mopped up with a soggy burp cloth and then promptly left on.  after managing to finish clothing myself in something resembling work-appropriate, i poured a mug of coffee and made it out the door.  5 blocks away from the house, i remembered i had left my wallet in the stroller yesterday, so i turned around to get it, in the process spilling coffee all over the center console and all the pens/receipts/orange peels that make their home there.
when i made it to work, i realized (after parking at the opposite end of the parking lot) i'd forgotten my id badge, so i had to walk to new jersey to get the security guard to let me in.  he made a joke about it that i completely didn't catch - what happened to my quick wit?  since getting to work, i forgot 2 different meetings and forgot to pump for an hour more than i was supposed to, leaving me with only 2 sessions for that today.  tomorrow's calendar looks like a hot mess of blue activities to complete, so i am scrambling to get ahead on a day when i am only falling more and more behind.  i promise i will get it together again one day.

full timing.

for the past year and a half (almost 2), i have been working part time.  kind of.  it has been a job-share situation - i have a "partner" that i divide some responsibilities with and she works every day but wednesday, and i work every day but friday.  it has been a really sweet gig in a lot of ways...i took the part time job because i wanted to get into marketing, and because i was in school and it was phenomenal to have fridays to get homework and house stuff done. it made a huge difference in my stress level and was an awesome arrangement in every way except salary, of course, which obviously suffered a little bit.  fortunately, jb was supportive and we were willing to scrimp a little for a couple of years, thinking that i'd coast right into some awesome, lucrative full-time arrangement upon graduation.

well, graduation came and went, and i was pregnant.  so, i submitted a proposal to my boss (in early may), and i asked to move to full time, but i also felt like i wasn't in a great position to barter with the powers that be at my current job, nor did i feel like i was in a position to look for a new job elsewhere (because you know how everyone is just dying to hire women in the middle of a pregnancy).  so, of course, this has been a source of great anxiety for me.  and jb, i think, but mostly me.  i had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that i wasn't going to be full time, i wasn't going to get to do the job i wanted to do, and even if i did get the move it either a) wouldn't happen until after maternity leave and/or b) would be for not as much money as i was really hoping for/needing.

BUT.  this week, my boss let me know that i'm full time NOW (she said it was up to me and i said now is always better than later).  and i also am in a comfortable place, salary-wise.  oh, and to top it all off, the focus of my role is much more where i was hoping it would be (content development, etc etc).

i cannot possibly begin to express the relief and excitement this news has brought with it.  i feel like i can now be pumped about having this little niblet in a way i was a little bit scared to be before (so many variables and uncertainties....).  of course i will miss my freedom fridays - it's been awesome to be able to play and go to lunch and do projects on fridays every week since school has been out - but i feel like i am back in the adult world that i have tried so hard to be a part of.  and i feel like i can look forward to the job i'll be coming back to after nibs is born.  yay for career satisfaction - so rewarding.