health and families.

******this post contains potential triggers as it discusses fertility, pregnancy, loss, etc. please skip it if those things might upset you.******
i have had three chemical pregnancies since december. that is a lot. i found out i was pregnant right before christmas, had my betas done at the doctor (because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy), and learned the levels were dropping instead of doubling. my doctor, whom i love, assured me that i hadn't done anything wrong - sometimes, for whatever reason, implantation doesn't occur. so, your body produces the pregnancy hormone, but she told me to think of it as a "just passing through" type of situation. obviously, though i understand the science and all that, i still "felt" pregnant - i had determined a due date for this "baby", and i felt it as a loss. i know this type of loss is not nearly as intense as what a lot of women have experienced, but it is still a loss, and it is still upsetting. as my mom says, every day that you're pregnant, you bond with your baby a little more, so even a week is enough time to love the little niblet you think/hope you're growing.

we took a month off, more for our hearts than for my body. amazingly, i got pregnant again in february. another test with two pink lines, another due date. redemption. i felt pregnant this time. i'd spent a lot of time and energy after that december loss working to get healthier - yoga, lots of veggies, prenatals every day (not just when i remembered). i had my first beta and it was 10x higher than the (super low) first one i'd had in december, so i was feeling super optimistic. i headed back to the doctor 48 hours later, only to learn that the levels had dropped. again. i would have another loss - it was just a waiting game at this point. i was devastated, needless to say. i felt like i was doing all the right things and i was powerless to stop it.

i was on a work trip alone in southern california for that one, and that did help in some weird way. i was able to focus on going to bed early and spending quiet time with my thoughts. it was a strangely healing trip. i saw my doctor in mid-march, after the trip, and she assured me again that this wasn't happening because something is wrong with me - it's happening because my body is doing what it's supposed to do. she also advised me to start taking baby aspirin daily, which i've researched and decided is a good choice for me.

and then. we were planning to take another month off, but last week when things felt late, i decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. it was positive. faint, but positive. i was worried because i didn't feel pregnant this month, and the faint line was already a trigger for me. but i thought to give it 48 hours and pee on a stick again. the line would surely be darker.

but it wasn't. it was lighter. so here i am again, waiting. it's the oddest feeling. i'm trying to be optimistic and positive. i know a lot of women have a much harder time than i'm having conceiving a single child, let alone a third. i am beyond grateful for ek and hollis - they are perfection and i feel unbelievably blessed and honored that they are mine. and yet. justin and i believe there is room in our lives and our hearts for another child, another person. our family is whole, but maybe it's not complete, not quite yet. we will see,

miscarriages and pregnancy losses are such a taboo subject. they are incredibly, tragically common. as many as one in four pregnancies ends in a loss. but they are also extremely isolating. people don't talk about it. it's incredibly hard for your partner to understand it, even if they are super supportive and patient and loving through the whole thing (as mine is). it's hard to articulate all the feelings around it - sadness, guilt, denial, fear. and then there's the hope, hanging on. the hope that there will be one more person at our dinner table, someday. that i will eventually take a pregnancy test and see a blazing pink line that i know means a strong, healthy little human is getting ready. that i won't live in perpetual fear when i do ultimately get pregnant again. there's always the hope.

so for now, i am going to continue working to be healthy and calm and full of gratitude. i'm doing another whole30, with my parents this time! i'm doing a lot of yoga and it is making me feel really good. i'm hugging my babies as much as they'll let me and trying to take a lot of deep breaths.

the terrific twos.

some mornings i am not a great parent. i wish this weren't true, and i wish these mornings were fewer and farther between, but man. some days are just hard.

jb leaves for work usually by 7ish at the latest. this is around the same time the kids are waking up. he is really amazing about doing as much for them/me/the house as he can before heading out, but i still cover the lion's share of the morning wrangling solo.

this morning, i was super tired. in spite of the whole30 goodness i've been putting in my body and the amazing sleep i've been getting up until this point, i did not sleep well saturday night or sunday night. saturday night i had a beastly headache and kept waking up because it hurt so badly. sunday night...well, who knows? i was already tired, but i had a weird dry cough (allergies maybe?) and hollis was sleeping restlessly and making noise, so i kept waking up too. i moved to the guest bed, but no dice. just a rough night of sleep - it happens.

but then. i couldn't get out of my funk/tired/grumpiness. so i took it out on the kids, and now i just feel awful about it. ek is obsessed with this long-sleeved dress that's wayyyy too warm for the summery weather we're having, and i was short and impatient with her, telling her she couldn't wear it. she started crying immediately, and i did manage to reel it in and apologize, telling her i was out of line because i was tired and whatnot. but still - she didn't do anything wrong, and on any other day i probably would have just let her wear the dress. ugh.

anyway. then there was hollis. he woke up fairly sweet and full of love, but this dude is really embracing all that is tales of the "terrible" twos right now. he is sassy and explosive and he can get so emotional. he also loses it over nothing. this morning it was not wanting to put shoes on, which he was hysterical about for a while, until he dropped the bite of banana he'd been holding for like 40 minutes on the floor of the car. so, it was covered in leaves and dog hair, so i threw it away. which accelerated his tailspin even further, so when i dropped him off he was just a wreck. i tried to calm him, hold him, soothe him, but it just wasn't making a dent and i didn't have the energy to deal with irrational two year-old drama. which just leaves me feeling like crap for the whole day.

tomorrow is another day, right?

identity theft and other stuff.

i haven't been blogging. which is basically a theme for this year, but no apologies. things are just so...busy. and all over the place.

yesterday morning, we woke up to an email from our CPA (who had filed our taxes the day before) saying that our return had been rejected since the IRS had already accepted someone else's return claiming emme as a dependent. um, what? yes. someone apparently got hold of her full name and social security number and claimed her, so her identity has been stolen. which i guess happens to kids now. because this is the world we live in. super. so, we filled out the affidavit, mailed in our return via certified mail with a cover letter, and they can take up to 6 months to process it all/send us our return. who really knows?

so, yeah. that's been fun. then, yesterday afternoon, jb got home to water flowing out of the main line to our house. so we have had no running water for almost 24 hours, which is really cool in 80-degree weather with kidlets. i don't mean to complain because, in the grand scheme, this is really really no big deal. but it's just a thing to deal with in the midst of all the other things we are always dealing with, right?

anyway. i'll post lots of pics from my phone and talk about easter and other spring fun soon.

things i hate about the flu.

3/4 of us got the flu shot this year, and 3/4 of us have the flu right now. it's super fun. emme got the shot and does not have the flu, but our rad pediatrician put her on tamiflu as a prophylactic measure anyway, so i hope she stays safe. hollis and i are plowing through - it's not as bad as it could be, i guess. they said we will likely have a milder and shorter case since we were vaccinated and hooked up the tamiflu in short order. i am not messing around with sickness.

i hate feeling insanely tired and energy-less, and i hate it even more when it's accompanied by an inability to get sound sleep. hollis barfed last night (i think it was from coughing so hard - poor dude) all over his bed, so he came into our bed, jb headed to the couch. sleeping with a toddler is like having a magnetized bowling ball with toenails in your bed. he's an insane person, for real. my jawbone wrist band thing told me i was up at least 6 different times during the night, and i feel like that's a conservative estimate.

i hate when i'm sick too because my need to deal with all the germs by washing all the things falls to me, but i feel crappy and want to just lay on a couch.

i hate the achy body stuff because i know my kidlet is feeling it in his little body and that makes me super sad.

i hate that i'm not "working", but i'm also not doing anything productive.

i hate coughing. hate it.

is this enough whining for today?

diagnosis.

my poor poor baby. on tuesday, jb picked the kidlets up from school and brought them home. hollis had "bug bites" on his face and the teachers had told justin that they thought he'd "gotten into some ants". i thought it was a bit crazy that ants had gotten onto his FACE and been able to bite him to that degree before anyone noticed, but i just kind of rolled with it. we had guests staying with us, so we put neosporin on the bites and he went to bed quickly and easily.

when he woke up wednesday morning, there appeared to be more bites. and when i changed his diaper, they were all over his groin and on his legs and stuff too. this seemed crazy to me, but i still didn't really think anything of it. i dropped him off at school and as i was backing out, his teacher ran up to me in the parking lot. she was like "i think he may have hand-foot-mouth". i knew immediately as she said the words that of course that's what it was. but since he didn't have any kind of fever, it never even occurred to me. i feel like a ridiculous person, but when ek had it, and everyone else i've heard of with it, it was accompanied by a fairly high fever.

anyway. poor little bug. i brought him to the doc and of course he's got it and it's a BAD case. this morning he woke up and it's even worse and continues to get worse each hour it seems. it's in his nostrils, all over his face and ears, arms, legs, bottom, groin. pretty much everywhere but his belly. amazingly, he's still eating and drinking and he's in fairly good spirits in spite of it all. i can tell it really really hurts him - he keeps pointing at his body saying "chin. hurts. toes. hurts. nose. hurts." this disease is gross and terrible.

not enough coffee in the world.

hollis woke up at like 3-something this morning. flipping. out. he's a light sleeper most nights and can make some noises that we usually either ignore or block out with the bathroom vent noise, but it became very clear almost immediately that this was not the usual brief night waking. i'm not sure if it was a night terror or what (emme never had those, so i am confused by what i'm supposed to do, etc.), but he was super upset. i held, rocked, and nursed him for about an hour until he finally went back to sleep, only to wake again at 6:15. oh, sleep, how you elude me.

because i was tired, this morning basically sucked. my attitude sucked, which made me meaner than i usually am, which made me guilty and sad about the way it all broke down. ugh. all my clothes fit weirdly today, so i just feel half put-together (or not even that, as half put-together is about the best i ever do). my hair is doing some weird stuff that i don't know how to deal with. emme dumped every single book in hollis's room into the middle of the floor. she demanded to wear her elsa costume to school (um, no, dude) and flipped out over the heel of her socks being "rumbled-y". hollis had a conniption when i tried to change his shirt that was soaked through with drool because i put the bear shirt on him (he chose the bear shirt) and he changed his mind mid-wardrobe-change and demanded the shark shirt. then he got all withdrawn and sad and just held his shark shirt in his little hands. these kids know how to play me like a fiddle.

even writing all this down right now, i realize that it's nothing. it's just a day. i hate how being tired or stressed (or both) is like a virus taking over your brain, turning normal interactions into adversarial crappy parenting. this morning my mom told me that my kids are extremely demanding/difficult, but i don't really think that's true. i think they're just kids, doing kid things, getting in the way of all the other non-essential things that eat up my day. sigh.

great parenting.

this morning i asked emme to brush her teeth (like i do every day) before school.  she refused, so i gave her the choice of brushing them for her.  she refused that as well and went so far as to stick her arm in her mouth so i couldn't get to it.  she has a dentist appointment this afternoon, so it was even more crucial than usual to practice oral hygiene (although i do make this a priority every morning).  the whole ordeal ended with me losing my temper and shouting and justin physically holding her arms down and shoving the toothbrush in her mouth.  i HATE that.  i hate sending her off to school on a bad note; hate heading to work feeling like an utter failure of a parent.  i try (daily) to pick my battles, and some days it feels like there are no battles i can win.

back to it.

dear hollis,

my sweet boy.  yesterday was my first day back at work and the longest i've been away from you since you were born.  it wasn't too terribly horrible, mainly because you are still phasing in at school, so i got to pick you up at 12:30 and see you between naps in the afternoon while working with kk taking care of you.  i have a feeling the reality of it all will hit me pretty brutally next week when you're gone for the full day and we're doing this whole thing by ourselves.

in truth, i feel like you and i got robbed.  your birth was so sudden and quick and i haven't really been able to catch my breath since.  we get better every day, but i spent so many days and weeks trying to figure you out, i need at least another month of quality time just enjoying who you are and who you're becoming.  but, such is life (or, at least, this life right now).

you are growing like a weed and are turning in to such a charming little monkey.  your smiles and almost-laughs are the highlight of my days.  we had to ditch your beloved pacifier last week because of the transition in to school, but you're learning to handle being without it as you learn to sleep and calm your body down.  there is such a lot to learn when you're a little niblet and i hope i'm guiding you gently but firmly in the right direction.

mostly i just want to tell you that i love you beyond belief.  i didn't know what it would be like, having two children, but it has just confounded me how you've made the size of my heart and my love grow into new dimensions.  i will miss being the one who sees you after every nap, who nurses you for every meal.  i will miss your sweet face burrowed in my neck when i relent and let you just doze on me instead of putting you down.  i will miss our errands and floor time, our hang outs with friends.  i will miss teasing you about how much you hate tummy time.  i will even miss lugging your car seat in and out of places and listening to you scream in the back seat when you get too tired.

change is really hard my love.  and in this case, it feels really unfair and unnecessary.  but you are in good hands and i will make it up to you by smothering you with all the kisses i can outside of daycare hours.

love,

mommy.

recent drama.

the weeks are flying by WAY faster than i can even begin to record them all. i have lots of fun, awesome stuff to write about, but figured i would get my quick trauma post out of the way first. also, i have at least a month worth of pictures sitting on various memory cards and personal computers (i.e. not my work computer, on which i currently type while on a conference call (shhhh)) and would like to add some of those to my posts.


so, the last couple of weeks have brought a little bit of drama our way. in hindsight, everything has worked out just fine and we have been remarkably fortunate . but, for posterity, i write.

last friday (or two fridays ago, who's counting) - march 30th - we had some friends in town to visit. they arrived mid-day friday, so i was going to pick emme up and then meet them at our house so we could head to an early-ish dinner. i left work exuberant - it was a glorious day, it was friday, and i'd just wrapped up about 74 things at work that had been hanging over my head. fabulous. i get emme from her class, gather all her gear (seriously, how much gear can someone her size accumulate?) - cloth diapers, dirty clothes, nap mat, lunch box - and load her and said gear in to the car. i drive to the exit and turn on my left turn signal, just as i do every other day. there was a decent amount of traffic, so i waited for a little bit and then saw an opening to my left, after a large grey car. i looked to the right to make sure i was clear (i was), so i glanced left again as the grey car was passing me, then i began to drive forward while looking right again. i turn my head back to face forward and i am driving directly in to a motorcyclist. i slam on the brakes as he tumbles off his bike and the motorcycle slides into the far lane. i'm stunned at this point; i reverse quickly, crank up the ac for emme, roll down windows, and fly out the car to see the guy. thankfully, he was wearing a helmet and there was a witness right there who had already gotten to him before i did. the driver was already moving around and the witness was on the phone with the police. i knelt down to try to attend to the guy - encourage him not to move, etc. - and he looks at me and says "i need for you to get the f--- away from me right now". this is when i lost it - i went back to my car and was shaking and flipping out, trying to hold it together. within seconds, the guy was walking to the sidewalk and smoking a cigarette, so i was happy to see he seemed mostly ok, physically. the police showed up within minutes, as did EMS. the guy refused medical attention, and his bike was not majorly impacted. the police were the nicest team of guys ever - they were super professional, compassionate, and thorough. they decided not to issue a ticket to either of us, which was kind of amazing. the accident was my fault, but since it seemed likely that the motorcyclist was tailgating and i was completely flipped out already, i think they decided writing me a ticket was unnecessary.

anyway, all things considered, this was not a bad accident. i have never been in a car accident before, and i am not anxious to get into another one, ever. i have NO idea, still, how it could have happened - i have gone over and over the whole series of events again and again. i am such a careful driver - i drive TOO defensively sometimes, according to justin - especially with emme in the car. so many things could have been so much worse with this whole thing, though, so i am just very grateful everything worked out the way it did, if it had to happen. he could have not been wearing a helmet, he could have crashed off his bike in to oncoming traffic, he could have rolled onto my car and somehow injured emme. it just could have been way, way bad. as my brother says, there is no margin of error with a motorcycle, so we were both very very lucky. my insurance is handling everything, and i am hopeful that he is back to 100%.



so that was the kick-off to that weekend. i'll summarize the fun stuff from that weekend later. on to this past weekend - easter!

we had a flight to florida early saturday morning. we were going to meet my parents for a few days and celebrate easter on the beach. i love the beach. thursday night, the night we were supposed to be packing, etc., i came down with fever of 102 (i never get sick, other than when i got the plague back in november). i literally could barely move - i got emme to bed and then just wrapped myself in blankets on the couch, feeling absolutely miserable. i was in bed before 9 and my fever broke at some point in the night, though i was not 100% on friday. i picked ek up on friday afternoon and she was fine. coughing and snotty, but that's par for the course with our daycare-going kiddo. we also had an appointment with her ENT to look at her ears and he said she looked fantastic. she struggled a tiny bit going to bed that night because her congestion makes it hard for her to breathe while sucking her thumb. but, she did go down, and jb and i finished packing and house prep before i finally had to go lie down around 9 or 9:30. within seconds of my head hitting the pillow, the cries started. justin gave her a few minutes to see if she would calm herself down, but to no avail. he went in and rocked her for a while, but she freaked out again right when she went back in to her crib. he rocked her again, same situation. i went in and rocked her, same thing. finally, around 10:30 or so, i told justin it was time to just shut it down. with our flight being super early the next morning, i figured it was fine to let her sleep with us - any sleep was better than the back-and-forth to her bedroom all night. i held her on my chest, mostly upright, for about 30 minutes, hoping to let all the phlegm drain. i could feel her relax and fall asleep, so i gingerly rolled her to the side on to our mattress. she immediately rolled on to her tummy and began crying hysterically, then she threw up all over our bed. i got her up and brought her in to the bathroom while justin worked to start cleaning up our bed. at this point, it's 11 or 11:30 and she now has a crazy high fever (started right when she puked). great news. we headed to the couch, where emme and i spent the remainder of the night, her sleeping fitfully, me not sleeping much at all.

the flights to florida were uneventful - she is such a great little traveler. i kept her medicated with ibuprofen, which kept her fever at bay all day. saturday night, her fever got high again, but i just kept her medicated, thinking it was probably something viral since she didn't seem to have any other symptoms. easter morning, we woke up and her fever was too high to go to church - i didn't want her exposed to all those other people, nor did i want them exposed to her. justin stayed home with her, and we went back to pick them up before heading to brunch at my aunt and uncle's house. i took her temp then and it was 104.2 - very high for the morning, but still responding to the ibuprofen. the rest of sunday was pretty low key - she took a nap, but was in good spirits and acting completely normal.

sunday night, around 11 or so, i think, she woke me up and i picked her up and brought her in to bed with me and justin. her body was pretty cold - i was initially excited about that, thinking the fever had finally broken, but then i noticed she was shivering and her lips were purple. i wrapped her up next to me and kept trying to warm her up, but she kept shaking. i was starting to get flipped out and wondering what to do, so i handed her to justin while i tried to find the number for my insurance's ask-a-nurse number. she threw up phlegm all over justin and me, so we got her cleaned up and back on to my lap, covered in blankets. my first reaction was that she was having a febrile seizure, but it lasted SO long, and she was responsive to us throughout the whole episode. i got a nurse on the phone and told her everything that was happening and she said we needed to bring emme to the ER. so, i went and got my parents up and we grabbed what we could think of to grab (i'm pretty sure this consisted of a diaper and my insurance card). by the time we were driving, her temp had started to climb again (as the nurse had told me it would) and she wasn't shaking anymore. we got to the emergency room, got admitted, and ended up in a little room. mom and dad had to stay outside, so we texted them updates.

the nursing staff at the hospital was very nice. they took emme's temp and it was 105.4 - she has definitely never been that hot. they gave her motrin and a tylenol suppository and then began the battery of tests: heart rate, blood pressure, catheter for urinalysis, and blood draw. that was the worst - they tried to get the hep lock into her hand, but her veins were too tiny and they kept missing. they finally got it in to her foot/ankle. ouch. justin and i had to hold her down for each thing and just watch the big tears rolling down her cheeks. not fun. somewhere in the midst of all of this, we saw the doctor on call, dr. woolf. he was super nice, but also a bit stymied by our girl. her ears and throat looked good, her lungs sounded fine. he said that when the blood work came back, he would expect to see white blood cell counts around 15,000 (normal is 6,000-11,000), and then he would prescribe an antibiotic. based on that, he was hopeful that we could avoid a chest x-ray. 15 minutes later or so, the x-ray tech came by requesting to take emme for a chest x-ray. we were confused, based on what dr. woolf had just told us, but were informed that her wbc count was much higher than anticipated, so we needed the x-ray. a baby chest x-ray is not a fun procedure...they basically strap her in to a plastic tube that looks like a medieval torture device. poor bean. during the walk back to the room, dr. woolf told us that her wbc count was 35,000. later, when he came back to our room after getting all her test results, we learned that there was still no obvious source of infection that would be causing SUCH a high fever. he was very sweet with her - his suggestions were that she could have pneumonia that just wasn't presenting on the chest x-ray yet, or strep that he couldn't see yet, partially treated meningitis, or just something else. he brought up meningitis and said he could do a spinal tap, but then offered all the reasons why that wasn't really necessary and it probably wasn't meningitis (she was not lethargic, could move her head and neck, was drinking and eating a little). so, she got rocephin through her hep lock and a prescription for zithromax, and we were dismissed, with instructions to head to the pediatrician in the morning. we got about 3 hours of sleep and then headed to the pediatrician. he said she was fine...diagnosed a bacterial infection of unknown origin and said to keep giving her motrin and let her do whatever she felt like doing (swim, play on the beach, etc.). he also told me i didn't need to be concerned about meningitis or leukemia/lymphoma (i heard high wbc count and of course my mind went crazy). by monday afternoon, she was fever free and definitely on the up and up.

so, again, we were super lucky. i am bummed that 80% of our vacation was occupied by a sick bebe and very little sleep, but so so so thankful that she is just fine. her iron count was sort of low, according to the pediatrician, so we see our doctor on monday for a re-test and a potential therapeutic prescription for iron for her. all things considered, a scary ordeal, but we escaped relatively unscathed.

thankful: november 8.

today, appropriately enough, i am thankful for our good health.  justin and i started puking monday (emme's birthday) after her appointment, and we have been down for the count ever since.  i hardly ever get really sick, and this bout has been intense.  we kept emme home on tuesday because she threw up once (her first time ever, poor bug), but she seems to have escaped mostly unscathed from this hell virus we have.  we are weak and exhausted and it's just making me realize how much i take our good health for granted.  so, i am very very thankful that this level of illness is a once-every-few-years kinda thing.  blech.

a eulogy for chickens.

as i mentioned in a previous post, our sweet chickens passed away a couple of weeks ago.  this is a brief synopsis of our chicken history. 

about 4 years ago, justin and i were walking the pups in the field by our (old) house.  we ran into a guy with two border collies and got to talking.  he mentioned he and his wife keep 6 chickens in their backyard and described a little bit about how/why they did so.  we were intrigued.  on the walk back, i told justin "we should totally get chickens!".  and so it began. 

justin and our friend chip constructed our first coop and after loads of research and some lolly-gagging, we headed to callahan's general store and procured two fine hens: bixby and octavia.  they were rock island reds and they were hilarious and not very smart (lack of intelligence is a trait in chickens).  our plan was to have them in their coop and in a chicken run justin had built, but that plan soon deteriorated and they mostly just hung out in the yard and went into their coop at night.  bixby laid an egg the first day we got her and then again the day after that.  then neither chicken laid again for almost six weeks, which had me questioning why the heck we thought chickens were such a great idea in the first place.  if they aren't laying, essentially you have pets that don't really love you, aren't trainable, and that poop ALL THE TIME.  but really, they were adorable despite all of that and got increasingly so once we started getting a regular supply of delicious eggs. 

fast forward several months and jb and i went on a weekend trip with my parents.  the chicks had stayed by themselves for much longer periods of time, so we weren't really worried.  well, when we got back, octavia had died.  i was particularly sad, as i thought of octavia as "my" chicken.  and she did the chicken dance when you walked up to her and had a generally sweet disposition.  my reaction to her death should have been a warning that maybe i am not, in fact, cut out to be a farmer...but we decided we should press on.  back to callahan's we went, and we returned with bernadette and bettyrene.  they were regular brown hens and the pecking order in our coop took a little while to establish, but ultimately, the ladies all decided to get along. 

fast forward another year and you'll remember the st. thomas trip during my early second trimester.  we lost bettyrene to our neighbor/housesitter's dog, max.  that was another rough one.  bettyrene channeled octavia's sweet personality and she was justin's little pet. 

and then there were two.  bixby and bernadette were sweet and tough ladies.  they survived a few possum attacks, held their own against ollie and etta when the dogs wanted to play a little too hard, and helped control the pest population in our yard.  when justin would walk outside to feed them, he'd do his little chicken call and you'd see them run from wherever they were.  when they ran, they looked like little old ladies wearing bloomers.  it was my favorite thing to watch.  they would destroy a potted plant faster than you could get it watered.  they loved to roll in dirt and sneak under the fence.  they each took to laying their eggs in the dog house at random points over the year.  they were inquisitive and dumb and reminded me endlessly of weird little dinosaurs.  justin likes to tell the story about how one day he saw bixby standing on one leg and he got all freaked out, thinking she'd been hurt and wondering if there were other injuries and what we might do with a one-legged chicken.  turns out she was just standing on one leg like a weirdo.  we really loved those chickens. 

when we decided to move, we weren't sure what to do with the hens.  we loved them, but a small-ish yard predominated by a pool is not the best environment for destructive chickens that like to free range.  we waffled far too long on the decision and it was time for our tenants to move in, so justin set them up in temporary housing in a shady part of our backyard.  they were in our dog crate with food and water, but we thought the shade from the trees would be enough.  as it turns out, this was a fatal assumption.  it got up to 106 that day, and we think it was just too much for them.  when we went outside around 830 to swim, they had knocked over their water bowl and neither of them were moving. 

we were both rather hysterical in the immediate aftermath, but i have thought of a few things i am grateful for.  i am glad they died together.  i think it would have been really sad to lose one and have the other be lonely for the rest of her days.  i am also glad they lived the life they did.  there aren't a lot of chickens in this world that get to play in open spaces all day with food and water readily provided to them.  i hope that it was easy on them - that they just went peacefully to sleep, dreaming their little chicken dreams. 

the staples and the sickness.

so i definitely owe an emme kay 9 months old post, but the tale of the injury will take precedence.  my original goal was to do everything in chronological order, but that's just not going to happen.  also, i should say that it's likely this post will be quite long, so feel free to skip it or skim it - i just want full documentation for us.  let me begin. 

our nanny had last week and this week off because her family was in town visiting from latvia and she hadn't seen them in two years.  back when she asked to take the time off, i didn't know i'd be changing jobs, so i figured i could take a vacation week and my mom SO graciously offered to take vacation/sick time to care for ek the following week (this one).  i also didn't know we'd be closing on a house at the end of july and everything would be in a shambles, but i digress.  when i got hired at the new company, i asked if i could please start the week of the 15th.  that would give me 2 weeks off to get a grip on my life and cover the week i needed for liga's time off.  well, the company said no they needed me to start the first.  so, i agreed but said the week of the 8th was non-negotiable but i would try to work from home during nap time, etc.

in my magical thinking, i figured the week "off" would be amazing - i would get to spend quality time with ek, lots of swimming and books and walks; i would get stuff done around the house; i would get some work done here and there; and all in all it would be relaxing and fun.  i was also planning to head to louisiana to pick mom up for her stay here on thursday so i could have some extra days there to see friends and family.

so.  i get off my first week of the new job, all fired up about this relaxing and super-fun week emme and i were about to have.  we went for a little swim.

when we got out of the pool, i noticed that she felt warm and she was a little cranky.  i chalked it up to being outside (it is a million degrees here, after all) and being ready for bed.  so i got her inside, fed her dinner, and then put her in the tub.  it was about halfway through the bath when i noticed that her skin was splotchy (from the cold) and she was shivering.  the bath water and temp in the room were not that cold at all, so i got her right out of the tub, wrapped her in a big towel, and brought her to her room.  she nursed voraciously, but i think it was mostly a comfort thing as she just didn't know what was going on.  i took her temp and it was over 102.  awesome news.

this was an unknown quantity for us as emme had never even had a sniffle up to this point.  i will never again take my child's good health for granted.  i talked to mom about it and justin and i discussed, and we opted to just put her to bed and see what happened.  i had made an appointment for saturday morning at the pediatrician, so we were hopeful she would be feeling better by then.  she was very sleepy and went right down.  the laings came over for a little while, but of course i was totally distracted and in there checking on her every 5 minutes.  i also had to call and cancel our swim date with the pyles, which was a huge bummer.  anyway...at around 10 or 1030, emme woke up super sad and sounded like she was in pain.  her fever was up near 103, so i called the triage desk at the hospital (this is all through the pediatrician since i obviously have no idea what to do in situations like this).  they told me to give her acetaminophen and keep her comfortable - cool towels, tepid bath, etc.  so no one got a lot of sleep that night, let me just say.  e would wake up every couple of hours with the most pitiful cry of all time ever.  i had her between us in the bed so i could comfort her immediately.  she mostly wanted to sleep on my body, which was insanely hot and not particularly comfortable, but of course i was worried about her so i didn't mind.

anyway...we make it through the night and get to the doctors office.  her doc wasn't doing saturday hours that day, so we had a male doctor who was nice but whose bedside manner wasn't as great as our doctor.  he looked her over and proclaimed that there wasn't anything wrong with her, but said we needed to rule out a UTI.  so, the catheter was beckoned.  let me just advise you, if you have a baby, a catheter is a device you want to avoid.  emme had just peed (i had the wet diaper to prove it), but they said they may be able to get some out, so they were going to try to cath her anyway.  awesome news.  justin and i had to hold her down (have i mentioned that this child does NOT like to be still?) while the nurse inserted the catheter, only to get not a single drop.  shocking, i know.  after that, they let me nurse her with a bag on her so she could maybe pee and they could get it that way.  45 minutes and no pee in a bag later, they decide it's a great idea to cath her AGAIN.  obviously, this was not more fun the second go-round.  but, at least there was pee this time.  they took her sample, gave us ibuprofen and sent us on our way.

ek's fever peaked at 105 on saturday night and was above 101 until tuesday when it was basically gone.  she refused to be more than inches away from me and basically turned into a goblin for the duration of her illness.  it was rough.  not only did i have to watch my baby be sick and know there was nothing i could do about it, but i couldn't get a single thing done, really, and working was pretty much out of the question.  also, my sweet, loving child was a goblin.  i wondered if she would ever go back to her normal self, seriously.  oh, she also wasn't sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours in a row, so the whole family was feeling pretty energized...ha.

on wednesday, she got a little rash on her belly/chest, so i knew it was roseola (for the record, that's what i thought it was based on my awesome internet and baby 411 research, but i was still worried, of course).  she was also getting back to normal, at least personality-wise.  awesome.

thursday morning, we had her 9 month doctors appt.  i'll write more about that later, but everything checked out and she only had to get one shot, so that was good.  we hopped in the car and headed to lafayette right after.

friday morning, we had plans to go to the drugstore with my grandma, and then meet my mom and some of her friends over their lunch break.  ek took a nap and then was ready to start playing.  she was much more like my baby, even though she didn't sleep a whole lot on thursday night (being in the pack-n- play, she could see me and decided she wanted to mess with my face for several hours between 12:30 and 5.  ruff.).  so, she woke up from her nap and i was sitting in the bed nursing her.  she's a wildebeest, so she was kicking her legs all over while nursing, as usual.  she somehow managed to kick my water glass off the nightstand and it rolled on to a pillow, then on to carpet, then somehow dinged a corner of the bed frame ever so lightly and managed to shatter.  awesome. 

i decided to leave emme on the bed, since broken glass was everywhere and she would have been all up in my business if i'd brought her onto the floor with me.  i've got glass in both hands and i see her making her way to the edge of the bed to come investigate what i'm doing, so i put my left arm up to sort of block her onto the bed while i figure out what to do with the glass in my hands.  well, that just did not stop her because she dove over my arm onto the pile of broken glass on the floor.  immediately, she starts screaming and i focus on not hyperventilating while assessing the damage.  there is blood EVERYWHERE.  i can't tell where/how much she is cut, just that she is.  i pull what seems to be the biggest shard of glass out of her head (this is not a feeling i recommend anyone trying), meanwhile trying to figure out the best course of action.  since i obviously cannot recall phone numbers at this time, i grab my cell phone and call my mom.  she told me later the words i said were "please come home now, i've hurt her".  definitely not the most calm and functional way to handle the situation, but i digress.  i then immediately called 911.  i give them the relevant information but i can barely hear them over emme crying.  i'm holding a cloth over her head and it seems to be helping a lot, but i decide the appropriate action is hanging up on 911 because i can't hear what they're telling me and i want both hands free to handle the baby.  they call back immediately and chastise me for hanging up on them before the ambulance got there, and they also tell me i need to be applying pressure to the wound with a dry cloth instead of a wet one.  so i'm doing that and moments later the ambulance is in the driveway.

i should say that even though it felt like everything was going in slow motion, the time from emme's crash to the ambulance's arrival could not have been more than 5 minutes.  by the time they drove up, she had mostly stopped crying and was smiling and excited to see the big yellow vehicle with all the flashing lights.  that sweet bunny.  we walked outside to meet the paramedics and i was beginning to realize that everything would probably be ok - i was starting to feel the intense relief of how many close calls we'd just had.  anyway, mom pulled up right then and i was able to tell her everything was ok.  we went inside with one of the paramedics, because apparently they have to investigate all accidents in case of child abuse.  the thought of someone hurting their child intentionally appalls me even more after this experience.  as we were coming back up to the front of the house, i see my grandmother in the driveway, sobbing while talking to the other paramedics.  timing is of the essence, y'all.  we got her calmed down, and emme into her carseat and she and i rode in the ambulance to the nearest hospital (though we probably could have driven ourselves, there was no way to know that).  we got checked in and dr. hamilton came to inspect ek's head.  it was only one big cut, about 2 or 2.5 inches, in her hair, about 4 inches above her right eyebrow.  he said he needed x-rays to make sure no shards of glass were in her skull/brain, so i tried to convince myself not to hyperventilate once again.  the x-rays weren't bad except for the not-to-be-understated fact that emme hates being still.  after a few minutes of intense worst-case scenarios playing out in my head, the doctor confirmed that her skull and brain were just fine.  this again brought in to sharp focus how amazingly fortunate we had been in this whole fiasco.

dr. hamilton decided to put staples in emme's head for a few reasons.  first, the staples are less likely to scar than stitches.  second, he wouldn't have to shave any of her hair.  third, they are super quick which is ideal when doing stuff like this to babies.  they put some goo on her head and we had to wait for 45 minutes for it to numb everything up.  during that time she got to walk around the hospital talking to people and pointing at everything and also watch some cartoons (which i never let her do).  the time passed, the doctor came over, strapped her down, cleaned her wound up super quick and bang bang, two staples and we were outta there.  the strapping down was the worst part.

so that's the story.  we go to the doctor this saturday to have staples removed.  emme is healing SO fast and SO well i am amazed.  she shouldn't have a scar, even though the doc said the injury may be a little tender for up to 6 months or so, crazy.  this is the only pic i have of the wound, so you can kind of see it's not the worst thing that could have happened.  i am so happy and grateful that she didn't land on her face or her eye or her sweet little neck and that the glass didn't penetrate her head.  i feel like this was such a close call and we were really fortunate that it went down the way it did. 

baby birds.

they hatched last week.  wednesday, if i remember correctly.  small pink pulsing things with not a feather between them.  one of the eggs did not hatch, and that was our first loss.  we wondered about the environment, the timing.  maybe that was the one she laid first - a day before the other two - and it just wasn't quite ready.

but the other two made it.  it's hard to know what thriving means in the world of baby birds and wild things.  they were growing - anyone could see that.  but the mama was there less and less as the days went by.  we rationalized that maybe the nest was now too small for all of them.  surely they didn't need her constant vigilance - food was more important, right?  in any case, they grew and grew.  more than tripled their size by the time we got home on sunday afternoon.  sprouted delicate and unfathomably tiny feathers on their little baby wings.  hung their faces out of the nest, mouths gaping, waiting for their next meal.  justin read that they eat every 20 minutes when they're this little....and i thought a human baby was a demanding eater.

i guess it was too much for her.  this morning when i left for work, i saw one on top of the other.  i hoped maybe they were just sleeping, nestled in with each other.  but justin looked closer when he was leaving, and the bottom one had no open beak, no quick pulsing breaths coursing through its little body.  the live sibling was in bad shape, too, so justin scooped him up and brought him to work.  fed him mashed dog food and water.  have i mentioned the drought we're having in texas?  this is the manifestation.

justin is on his way with our little survivor - bringing him to a wildlife rescue place where they are trained in the art of baby bird rehabilitation.  i guess we'll see.  but i do hate the reminder of how nature gives but it also takes away.

here's a pic of marcus, our little survivor, in the incubator when justin dropped him off at the wildlife place. we hope he's a fighter!

cold war 2011

austin is in a freezing tumult this week.  it was 78 degrees outside on monday, and by tuesday night we were down to 18 degrees.  i totally realize that normal cities (read: north of here) get 18 degree weather and it doesn't send the entire universe of the city and its populous into a tailspin.  but a tailspin is exactly what happens here - or at least that is what our lives have been topsy turvy this week.

we woke up wednesday morning (was that only yesterday?  yeesh.), after having left our faucets on with a drip the whole night, to the grim reality that despite all normal precautions being taken (short of insulating our pipes, which wasn't going to happen), our pipes were frozen.  we aren't sure if they are busted yet or not, as they are still frozen.  for lack of better adjectives, it sucks.  to make matters worse, it is likely that temps won't creep above freezing until saturday or sunday, so we will have been without running water for 5 days.  that is a lot of days when you have a 3 month-old living in your house.  it's also a lot of days when it's 18 degrees outside and all you want to do is be in your house and your kitchen, making yourself feel warm and toasty and comforted.

somehow, water is necessary for all things in life.  jb went to heb on the way home from work last night and picked up 2 gallons of water.  they were gone by this morning, and no showers were taken, nor were dishes washed.  it's crazy.  add to this fact that our nanny and our baby are home all day while we're at work.  and the fact that i normally do 2-3 loads of laundry in a day.  and 1-2 loads of dishes.  our house is not a pretty picture right now.

i am trying to look at the comedy of this scenario.  i still don't know where my winter coat is (it's in a box somewhere from before i was pregnant), so i am wearing a 3/4 sleeve spring coat when i have to go out.  have i mentioned that i have not lost all the baby weight yet?  apparently i did not inherit the magical metabolism many others have post-baby (even with exclusively breastfeeding), so my spring coat does not quite button around the 10 pounds that insist on lingering well past their welcome.  i actually find the fact that i'm wearing a non-warm coat unbuttoned to be hilarious.  additionally, we have been saving this gift card we got a couple months ago for a delivery meal for just a night such as this.  i ordered the delicious indian cuisine, we waited close to an hour and a half for it to get here (long story), and my meal was wrong (chicken tikka instead of chicken tikka masala - just one word off....).  so justin, eager to please and intolerant of not getting what we paid for, just scurried off to the indian place to pick up my masala.  there is humor in this, i'm sure of it.  maybe we will have a chuckle as we enjoy our dinner....at least we don't have to do the dishes!

finally, even the chickens are mad about the cold.  one of them laid this egg yesterday....

and finally finally, emme is great.  we've all made it (almost) through my first week back at work, albeit a bit more chaotically than we expected.  here's a quick shot of the little miss sitting in her bumbo today.

2 week update!

little bunny today was your 2 week pediatrician's appointment, even though you technically turned 2 weeks yesterday.  i know it sounds so trite, but i seriously cannot believe it's been 2 weeks already - you are mesmerizing to watch every single day.

we took a few 2 week pics of you last night, but we waited a little late, so you weren't in the best mood for your photo shoot.  i still think they're adorable and they reflect a certain bit of your funny little personality.  shortly after your photo shoot, you had what my mom likes to call "the crise" (cajun term for crisis, pronounced like criz).  you were basically inconsolable for about an hour from 11:15 to shortly after 12.  finally, dad swaddled you super tight and we plopped you in bed between us and you settled down (i think you just wore yourself out, honestly).  you rewarded us by sleeping for 5 straight hours - it was amazing!!

this morning you did great at your appointment!  you weighed 8 lbs 13 oz, which means you gained 11 oz in 6 days.  incredible.  you also grew a little more than 2 cm in head circumference and half an inch in length.  i am so proud of what a great little eater you are and that you seem to be very satisfied with what i've got for you :)  you also got your second heel stick today and you cried a little bit, but they let me nurse you while they were doing it, so that soothed you.

when i woke up this morning, i felt like total crap and it has been getting worse throughout the day.  i am achy and have a headache and i just took my temp and have a fever of 102.3.  yuck.  it was a rough day for my first solo day, but you were awesome and slept a TON (i think you were really worn out from the doctor's appt).  fortunately, your dad is awesome and he has been entertaining you since he got home so i could rest.  you even had your first bottle tonight since i got the go-ahead to pump from the doctor.  you had no issues whatsoever and i think you really enjoyed having dad feed you.

i'm really hoping that i feel better for your first thanksgiving, but as my mom just reminded me, everyone is coming to see you, not me, anyway.  haha!

audits.

i have a lot to post about this past weekend (baby shower was incredible), but that will wait until i have a chance to upload pictures.

so, jb and i are being audited for our 2008 tax returns.  it is making me feel like a white collar criminal, even though we are the least likely people to cheat on our taxes ever.  i have a phobia of being in trouble.  more than that, though, this is just pretty much the most inconvenient thing that could be happening right now.

in any case, sheila is the lovely IRS examiner that we're supposed to meet with.  we got a nice form letter yesterday letting us know that we have TEN DAYS to contact sheila and schedule some time.  so, jb called this morning and apparently sheila is out of the office until the first week of november.  this is super convenient, since i'll likely be delivering a human child that week.  they let us know that december 1 is the absolute latest date we can have our meeting.  so, there you have it.

for your entertainment, i would like to deliver a transcript of justin's response to my indignation over the whole matter (why can't we meet with someone else, sooner, etc etc).

Dec 1 was the most they would let us push the appointment out. So annoying. Yes, bring the baby and see if we can get it to throw up on Sheila's desk. Sheila is apparently the only one that would sit down with us. I asked if she had someone covering her biz while she was out but the answer was no.  

I figured we'd start with the honey + flys approach. If Sheila is a whore and tells us we owe the IRS more than $40, I'll tell her straight up that she's making our baby cry and is a terrible person with back-acne and no soul. I will then proceed to poop on her desk and throw up on her HP printer.

hopefully everything will just work out and our meeting will be quick and painless (and sheila will be apologetic and remorseful for bothering us during this special time)....