not enough coffee in the world.

hollis woke up at like 3-something this morning. flipping. out. he's a light sleeper most nights and can make some noises that we usually either ignore or block out with the bathroom vent noise, but it became very clear almost immediately that this was not the usual brief night waking. i'm not sure if it was a night terror or what (emme never had those, so i am confused by what i'm supposed to do, etc.), but he was super upset. i held, rocked, and nursed him for about an hour until he finally went back to sleep, only to wake again at 6:15. oh, sleep, how you elude me.

because i was tired, this morning basically sucked. my attitude sucked, which made me meaner than i usually am, which made me guilty and sad about the way it all broke down. ugh. all my clothes fit weirdly today, so i just feel half put-together (or not even that, as half put-together is about the best i ever do). my hair is doing some weird stuff that i don't know how to deal with. emme dumped every single book in hollis's room into the middle of the floor. she demanded to wear her elsa costume to school (um, no, dude) and flipped out over the heel of her socks being "rumbled-y". hollis had a conniption when i tried to change his shirt that was soaked through with drool because i put the bear shirt on him (he chose the bear shirt) and he changed his mind mid-wardrobe-change and demanded the shark shirt. then he got all withdrawn and sad and just held his shark shirt in his little hands. these kids know how to play me like a fiddle.

even writing all this down right now, i realize that it's nothing. it's just a day. i hate how being tired or stressed (or both) is like a virus taking over your brain, turning normal interactions into adversarial crappy parenting. this morning my mom told me that my kids are extremely demanding/difficult, but i don't really think that's true. i think they're just kids, doing kid things, getting in the way of all the other non-essential things that eat up my day. sigh.