eating crow.

today i learned a rough lesson. or faced a part of myself i didn't really like facing. or i ate crow.

i haven't liked hollis's teacher since he started at his new school. i don't really know why. i had a bad attitude going in to their transition to the new school, and i have looked for things to be wrong. consciously or unconsciously, i have "wanted" to find stuff to complain about in the environment.

with emme's classroom, i was only able to hang on to the negativity for a couple of weeks. because she articulates her opinions about things, and because the change in her was SO obvious, i had to accept that the new school was good for her, in spite of the flaws i still complain about.

but hollis. hollis has been a different story. he doesn't speak much yet - certainly not enough to communicate rationally what's going on every day. and he's extremely attuned to me and my attitude about stuff, as i am to his. so he and i have been sponging off each other in a negative feedback loop for the last two months.

on tuesday, h's teacher called me to tell me he was complaining about his bum. he'd had a big poop in the morning and was fussy and complainy from that point on. i picked him up early because kk had come into town, took him home, and saw that his bum was rashy and hadn't been 100% cleaned from his poop. to be fair, when you diaper standing up, it is nearly impossible to get it completely clean without really digging. and, hollis isn't exactly in the easiest state of mind regarding diaper changes these days.

so. he stayed home yesterday and played with kk and had a great day. we're struggling with him for sleep transitions and eating right now. a lot. but mostly he was fine and in a great place. i want to blame this rough patch on school. this morning, kk came with me to drop them off before she headed back to louisiana. hollis's teacher asked how he was doing, and i responded (rather jerk-ily) with news of his diaper rash and dirty bum, etc.

after dropping ek off and getting back in the car, my mom pointed out how rude i was to hollis's teacher. i am not a person who takes criticism well in any capacity, so i know she was scared to mention this to me. but, even though it destroys my ego to think about it, i had to acknowledge that she is right.

i have never given hollis's teacher or his classroom a fair shake. i have been defensive and ready to judge and be disappointed since the first day. in looking back on my interactions and conversations with ms. m, i am utterly embarrassed. i can say that i was being protective/trying to defend my child. but there is no reason for my behavior and countenance to have been what it's been. i'm not a rude or mean or bitchy person, really. i don't know how i've been operating like this for two months. as much as it SUCKS to come to terms with this, i am really glad my mom pointed it out to me. i needed someone to just call me out, just a little bit.

after dropping mom off, i drove back by the school. the babies were outside playing and ms. m was preparing the room with snacks, so she was alone. i offered an apology, told her i was sorry i had been so rude. no matter where my head/heart is with all of this, she did not deserve for me to speak to her that way. there's a way to talk to people and i know what that is. anyway. i told her the transition to this school had been really hard on me/our family and that it's devastating to me to have hollis break down every morning when i drop him off. but also, there is still no excuse for my bad demeanor. i never really think about what a hard, thankless (mostly) job it must be to deal with all those kidlets all day long every day. and the parents. and the other teachers. that is not an easy job, and i know she's not making zillions of dollars.

so. she gave me a big hug and told me it was ok and that they are going to take good care of my baby. and i am going to continue to work on my role in the whole dynamic. i don't want my little dude to be unhappy going there because he senses my hesitation/annoyance/negativity. it's hard to be wrong sometimes. haha.