edith hesterly browne.

telling the story of how a new human joins the world is overwhelming. we welcomed our sweet edie on friday, august 4, 2017 at 8:37 pm. but let me back up.

on tuesday, the 1st, i went to the doctor for my 38 week appointment. at the previous week's appointment, i was still measuring ahead a little bit, and they did an ultrasound that showed a ~7lb-ish baby and a lot of amniotic fluid. they said we'd measure again the next week. so we did another ultrasound and the fluid was still high. we also did another NST and she did fine but took longer to "pass" than she had the following week. when i got in to see the provider, she started talking about gestational diabetes and recommended an induction that night.

based on my experience with hollis's induction, i knew i had to push back a little bit. i used the excuse of my birthday on the 2nd to see how much of an "emergency" it was to get her out. the provider said we could wait, but only until thursday. hmmm. i asked for the weekend and she said no and that i needed to monitor my blood sugar (it never spiked and was totally fine through delivery).

my birthday was a great day. i got a prenatal massage while mandy and nicole watched the big kids. all three of us took a nap. justin and i got some yummy takeout for dinner. i got lots of calls and texts and sweet emails from family and friends. it was low-key, but turning 36 and being 38 weeks pregnant, i figured it would be anyway.

the afternoon of my birthday, jillian took me to get a pedicure and the ob's office called to tell me my induction was scheduled thursday night at 9pm. whew. thursday arrived and justin was able to stay home from work, thankfully. i went to another doctor's appointment where they confirmed the call to induce. i was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced, so i was hoping to make a little progress over the course of the day. i got home and went wild cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. i was not thrilled about being induced, but i also felt like i had no choice. i could write a whole post on medical care and the fear mongering that happens during such a sensitive and emotional time, but that's a different story.

anyway. we ate dinner and bathed the kids and got them to bed with promises that daddy would be there to get them in the morning, ready to meet their baby sister. jb and i sat on the couch to watch some tv and pass the time waiting to head to the hospital. right as our neighbor was getting to our house to pull the overnight shift, the hospital called; they said they were super busy and to call back at 10. ummm, what? so we sent faye home and went for a walk. i was having tons of anxiety - at this point, i hadn't slept since the previous night and i was nervous about not even getting to the hospital until almost midnight and then trying to get things going. but that's what we attempted to do.

faye came back over at 9:40 and we headed to the hospital. we walked up to the check-in area in L&D at 10 and proceeded to get fussed at by the intake nurse. she was like "you were supposed to CALL at 10, not just show up!". i was pretty upset. i mean, either it is medically necessary to induce me or it's not, right? anyway. they stuck us in the waiting room. we sat there for about 20 minutes and justin was like...we just need to go home. so he went and talked to them and they said to show up again between 7 and 8 friday morning. we turned around and drove back home - the best decision ever.

i didn't sleep a ton thursday night (of course), but definitely got more rest than i would have at the hospital. the kids were mega confused in the morning (hollis: "where's my baby sister?"), but we had a chance to explain the situation to them quickly and then head BACK to the hospital with them safely in faye's hands. they had a great day with faye and her kids, nanny mandy and her kids, and then kk and jj when they got into town.

at the hospital, they stuck us in the waiting room AGAIN, but only for a little bit. then they pulled us into a room and we began the longest slowest process ever. it was nearly 11am before i even saw the midwife. it was kathy and she was not super friendly or excited to be working with us, it seemed. she checked me and i was still only 3cm and she said i was not effaced at all. super demoralizing. but they started the pitocin and we were off. side note: kathy was unclear as to why we were inducing, which was super upsetting, but i couldn't focus on that because we were there and two of the other providers had said it needed to happen. still frustrating, though.

the pitocin was ok. i spent a lot of energy getting to a mental place where i thought i could handle being on that stuff again, and i think i really did pretty well. the contractions cranked up regularly, but they were really manageable. around 3 or 3:30, kathy came back in to check me again. she offered to not because she didn't want me to be discouraged, but i really wanted information. sadly, i was still at 3cm, but soft and thinning, maybe 50% she said. ugh. she said baby's head was still high and floating, so because she wasn't engaged, i wasn't dilating. because of the excess amniotic fluid, breaking my water was not an option because of the risk of a chord prolapse. but because of the excess fluid, there wasn't anything to help her descend. frustrating to say the least.

the other thing that happened around this time (i think) is that kathy said there was "something else" near the baby's head. ummm, what? as jb said...this is something you don't say to a woman in labor. she speculated the baby may have flipped to breech, so she got an ultrasound machine. thankfully, she was still head down, and kathy thought it was maybe just an arm in front of her head or something. in any case, this was additional discouraging information, as i knew it would be even harder for her head to engage if she had her arm in front of her face.

at this point, i sought the wisdom of the internet because i didn't feel like i was really getting suggestions from anywhere else. spinning babies suggested a move called the lift & tuck to help baby's head descend and engage. it consisted of standing and lifting my belly about 2 inches at the start of each contraction, then tilting my hips forward through the contraction. they said to do this for 10 contractions in a row, so i did. i don't know if this is what did it (by this point, the pit was up to 11), but by the end of that, the contractions were brutal and i was having some intense back labor and having to moan through each contraction. the contractions were also coming super frequently - like each minute - and felt like they were lasting an eternity. i also felt a trickle at whatever point and realized my water had started leaking, which i felt like was great but also made the contractions even worse.

around 6 or so was the end of kathy's shift and these mega contractions had been going on for over an hour. the leak had started right after 5pm, so i was hoping this had kicked some things into gear. kathy came in one last time and checked me and i was 4cm. kill me. i started getting super demoralized at that point, trying to calculate how much longer i could deal with contractions this close and this intense to get all the way to 10cm. yeesh.

a little later (time ceases to exist for me at this point), danielle, the new midwife on call, came in. she was amazing and i liked her immediately. she said i was maybe 4.5cm and i said i may want the epidural. i immediately began apologizing and she was like "you have absolutely nothing to prove". justin also reminded me that i was super codependent to be in the state i was in and apologizing to other people for wanting the epidural. ha.

the epidural gets ordered and what followed was the longest hour of my life. they pumped all the fluids in and i continued to have insane contractions every 20 seconds. finally FINALLY the anesthesiologist shows up and he's fast and all business. i was scared and also still having psychotic contractions, so that was all a bit intense, but he got it done. the relief was pretty much immediate and i could not believe it. i looked at justin and told him i could cry from how happy i was to have that relief. seriously amazing.

i chilled in the bed for maybe 30 minutes, relishing the difference between what had been going on and what was happening post-epidural. i could still move my feet and feel that contractions were happening, but it was like it was happening through a shield. at about this time, i told our nurse mandy that i was feeling pressure and may be ready to push soon. she got danielle a few minutes later.

when danielle checked, she said i was 9.5 cm and she could manually take me to 10 if i wanted. i said absolutely, let's do this. they got my legs up in the stirrups and jb held my right leg while mandy counted and danielle talked me through it all. pushing was very natural and we went through about 3 rounds of counting to 10 and her head was out. danielle delivered her shoulders and then told me i could grab her and pull her onto me, so i did. it was absolutely incredible. she cried for a couple of seconds and then calmed right down and i just rubbed her and looked at her while we let the cord pulse. justin cut the cord when it was done and we got to get a better look at her. she had a decent amount of vernix, and my immediate reaction was that she was way smaller than emme or hollis (they were both 7lbs 14oz). i guess you forget how tiny babies really are because when they weighed her a few minutes later, she was 8lbs 5oz, 21.25 inches. holy cow! her apgars were 8 and 9 and she was gloriously pink.

so that's it. 8:37pm after the longest day ever. i will never again talk about how short/fast my labors are. ha. it was rough but so unbelievably worth it. she is perfection and we are completely in love.

hi there 2017.

a lot has been going on. i mean, clearly in 6ish months some things are bound to happen. writing has not been one of those things, but i do miss the exercise of chronicling our lives and whatnot, so i am going to attempt to catch back up and re-commit to this little corner of the interwebs.

i lost my job in november. it was a routine layoff, part of the divestiture of my company away from dell. they laid off something like 1/3 of the employees, so i guess i was in good company. it still sucked. i think i have made it through all the stages of grief with that whole thing - probably not in order, but i am working on it. anyway. i've run the gamut of emotions from relief to devastation to complacency to self-doubt (times a million) to anger to...well, you get the idea. i thought i would jump right back into the workforce without really having to try, but that hasn't been the case.

shortly after getting laid off, i found out i was pregnant. again. after four losses in 2016. so, needless to say, there was a lot of mental and emotional stuff there. i had switched doctors after my fourth miscarriage because i felt like my former practice (that i loved) was not taking my situation seriously at all and i knew i could not abide another loss. i had some tests run in september and everything looked fine, thankfully. my new doctor prescribed progesterone for when/if i became pregnant again. she recommended taking it beginning with a positive pregnancy test along with a baby aspirin. so i did. and it worked. and now here i am, 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. it feels like a miracle, though i guess life is always a miracle, right?

anyway. between those two major events/shifts happening concurrently, public discussion of what's going on (i.e. blogging) hasn't seemed ideal. i felt pretty terrible and also quite terrified for the bulk of the first trimester. and then i was trying to get hired somewhere asap before i started showing in the second trimester. and now...well, now i am trying to get hired in the mid-late second trimester while sporting a sweet belly. the universe works in mysterious ways.

i have had some amazing support and solidarity (justin, many of the friends who've been "in the know", my family), and some disappointingly, very upsettingly unsupportive encounters. i waffle between the intense desire to explain myself (i know how babies are made; yes, this was planned - maybe not the timing, but the baby for sure; the layoff wasn't expected; i really do like/need to work and taking a year off BEFORE a baby is born is not ideal; how would you feel in my situation; etc.) and the very real feeling that it's nobody's business. i guess pregnancy is normally filled with all the feelings, and this one is no exception, even if the feelings are different/bigger than i would have anticipated.

so those are the big things. beyond that, we had some incredible holidays, hollis turned four, emme has rocked her kindergarten year, and we are generally extremely happy and healthy and thankful for everything that's going on in this sweet little life of ours. i'll back date some pictures and other updates soon.

kindergarten!

yesterday my sweet baby girl started kindergarten! i kind of can't believe it. i didn't cry or anything (surprisingly), but it still feels like a monumental thing. she is in the system now - a kid and not a baby anymore.

sunday we had a fun, mellow day. breakfast tacos and puzzles, then jb took the kids to a movie while i went to a friend's birthday brunch. for dinner, i let the kids make their own pizzas which they loved. we had bath time and i gave them a little melatonin so they were ready for their early bedtime. i've been trying to move their bedtime up a bit every night for the past week or so, and that was a huge help.

i woke up around 6:15 and a few minutes later i heard her little footsteps heading up the hall. she asked for cereal for breakfast and got dressed easily. then we all walked to school together and took about a million pictures. she was a little freaked out heading in to class, but tough too. no crying.

jb and i picked her up a little early and she was super happy - she told us all about everything, including that she "made 11 new friends but i don't remember any of their names". ha. she was happy about her after school program. she was less happy that her teacher wanted them to be quiet a lot. but, all in all, a great day.

we capped off the first day with a trip to get ice cream before dinner. then, a low key evening and easy dinner. i was asleep by 8, so i guess we were all pretty wiped out.

we are so proud of our big girl - this is going to be a great year!

end of school.

oh. hi. remember when i used to keep track of our lives with this little corner of the internet? yeah. me neither.

way back at the beginning of june, ek wrapped up her preK year! it was such a great year - she learned so much and i feel like she will be so much more comfortable going into kindergarten after being there all last year. mr. butler was such a great teacher for her. they really loved each other and i hope he continues to be part of our lives. her early reading and math skills are really amazing so far - i could not be more proud of her. she made all 4s, demonstrating "mastery" in all the areas they measure, but more than that, i think she is really learning a lot about how to engage with the world and what kind of person she wants to be. i can only hope kindergarten is as awesome.

fourth tooth and field trip.

kk and jj came to town last wednesday night for a quick mid-week visit. it was super fun. on thursday, they went to hollis's school and had lunch with him. friday, they were able to join me chaperoning ek's metrorail field trip where her class and the other preK classes got to ride the train to the east side and then play at an awesome park for a couple of hours. super fun.

friday night, the kids were dancing and going buck wild in the living room. hollis was flinging one of his blankets around during a prince song (they are obsessed with prince right now), and ek grabs her mouth, holds up a hand and says "hollis just knocked out my tooth!". so, the final front one is down! and thank goodness. it was so loose it was really freaking me out, but she was being super squirrely about pulling it for some reason. anyway - it was clearly mega-loose if it got knocked out by a blanket. ha. we obviously continued the ice cream tradition and everyone was happy.

saturday, my parents left after breakfast. the kids (especially emme) get super duper sad when they leave, so this time, i took ek to yoga with me right after they left. it was a great distraction and helped with the big feelings.

missing teeth!

i haven't been posting much - just a lot going on, i guess, as usual. but ek has lost two more teeth and the fourth should be gone today (i hope! that thing is hanging by a thread). the checkerboard smile of alternate top/bottom tooth missing was the cutest thing i've ever seen, but only lasted for a week before the other bottom tooth came out. i'm excited to see what she looks like with both front teeth missing - and to hear her cute little lisp! we are all ready for our next ice cream endeavor when she finally pulls this one out.

first tooth (top left): april 6
second tooth (bottom right): april 28
third tooth (bottom left): may 5

first lost tooth!

ek has been a thumb-sucker forever, which is why (i think) her front teeth started feeling loose a month or six weeks ago. especially her front left. we encouraged her to stop sucking her thumb and not mess with the tooth, i think mainly because losing a tooth seems like such a big kid thing and we were not ready for it - ha.

but, over the last week or two, it got looser and looser. we had many predictions for when it would finally be out, but last night was the night! this whole week it's been crazy loose - the kind of loose that grosses people out when you show them. by tuesday, some of the root was exposed and i knew it was definitely ready.

we felt strongly that she should pull it out herself - the first tooth can be scary and anxiety-inducing, especially for a kid like emme. so each evening, i gave her a paper towel and told her to work on it. we also told her we would go to lick (a fancy ice cream place that she loves) as a special treat as soon as she pulled it.

i got back from yoga last night and i knew it had to come out. it was hanging by a thread. after much shenanigans, i sat her on my lap and jb filmed the whole experience. it took a few tries, but she plucked it out. immediately, her eyes got super big and she started jumping around and shrieking. we were clapping and cheering - it was super fun.

and then, of course, we scrambled to lick even though it was like 6:45. there was no denying that sweet toothless grin. she and hollis chose strawberries & cream and chocolate milk for their two scoops, and they relished every bite.

this weird little monkey decided she didn't want to leave her tooth for the tooth fairy, so for now it's just hanging out in a little container where she can look at it every once in a while. funny kid.

three years.

on january 4th, hollis turned three. the kids were off school for one more day that monday (school system milking that holiday, let me tell ya), so we got to celebrate my little dude the whole day.

we had a small birthday party on saturday. my parents and brother were in town and we also had a few family friends over. we ate gumbo and bundtinis and sang to our sweet boy. he was really happy.

monday we got up and had breakfast at cafe java. hollis ordered chocolate chip pancakes which i put a candle in and we sang to him. then, the waitresses brought him a giant chocolate chip cookie with a candle and sang happy birthday to him again. needless to say, he loved it all. we let him open his birthday presents one or two at a time over the course of the day. that was a hit - he was so stoked with everything. it was a great day.

hollis at three is a trip. he is stubborn and extremely opinionated. he is hilarious and silly. he can sit for hours playing independently - it's really amazing. he loves spaceships and star wars and trucks. emme is still his absolutely most favorite person in the world. he asks about three thousand questions a day. things like where does grass come from? and why do sidewalks have cracks? and who made the sky? he loves carbs like no other (well, maybe like me haha). the other day i asked him if he wanted chicken fingers for dinner at central market (instead of mac n cheese) and he said "do they taste like bread?". he loves to take baths and go for walks and get in tickle fights with daddy. he loves daddy's yoda voice and when i tell him it's morning and time to wake up (most days). he tells me his friends at school are his teachers. he loves being read to and sung to and he loves music of all kinds, all the time. he can be super volatile and emotional in typical threenager fashion. he's sensitive and tender and is working hard on understanding the power behind all the words he knows.

i love this kid with my whole heart. even if he sometimes yells instead of asking nicely. i am thankful for him every single day.

farewell, 2015.

i think this is the first time in the history of this blog that i've written an end-of-year post on the last day of the year. typically i don't even bother with a post but even the few times that i have, i've back-dated them from some time in january. i hope this is a sign of how on top of things i'll be in 2016...

this year was a blur for me - i cannot even fathom that the whole year is gone already. i remember being a kid and hearing adults talk about how fast time moves as you get older and not believing or understanding that at all, but it's clearly a thing. 

it was a good year, i think. no major changes in terms of living arrangements or jobs. emme started preK and hollis transitioned to a new school. we started reading chapter books together as a family. we took an awesome vacation to the mountains to see lots of family. we had trips to lafayette and wichita and i got to go to japan. we did a whole30 and got on and fell off the healthy eating train a few times. we went on lots of family walks and spent time cuddling and playing and fighting and singing and sliding and cooking and watching too much tv and just living. i took a course this year on the science of happiness and it talked a lot about happiness vs. meaningfulness. i don't know that we lived meaningfully in the grand scheme, but i'd like to think there was meaning in the everyday - enough that we can hold on to and try to make it even more so in the next year.

so that's it! out with the old, in with the new. cheers to deliberate living, less screen time, more patience with ourselves and others, and getting outside as much as possible. 

five years.

i have now been a mother for five whole years, thanks to the most amazing little girl i know. emme's birthday was in a cluster of alllll the activity this year, but we managed to have fun and celebrate in spite of the busy-ness. because this is a child that deserves to be celebrated.

my parents came in for halloween weekend and we had a little birthday brunch for her that morning. she requested rainbow cake, and jb found the most amazing rainbow cake mix, so we made that and egg casserole, fruit, corn grits, and biscuits. three families came over, plus kk & jj, and it was the perfect little gathering for this year.

the next day, we met up with several other families at stanley's farmhouse pizza for some playtime and cupcakes to celebrate emme and her fellow scorpio willa. the weather was perfection - i love it out there, and the kids did too.

on friday, the day before her real birthday, jb and i brought her lunch at school and got to read books to her class. it was so much fun - i want to read to preK kids every single day. they are so delighted by everything. i also made m&m cookies for her class and she got to pick out a "special rest time show" to watch during rest time - wildkratts, of course.

we left friday night for louisiana, so saturday morning we celebrated again for her real birthday. my brother and grandmother came over and my mom made an awesome red velvet cake for her. she also got to open presents - always a highlight. the adults had a wedding to attend that night, so my mom had arranged for three babysitting shifts to hang with the kids, which they obviously loved. lolo and g-dad got the first shift and the kids adored them, of course. then margaret arrived with chick fil-a and a doll. then joe joe brought in the late shift for bath and bed time. she had a great day.

i am so thankful every day that i get to watch this child grow into the person she is becoming. she is smart and funny, silly and kind. she loves to laugh and to make other people laugh. she wants to know and understand everything - her curiosity is one of my favorite things. she has a ridiculous memory, which is a blessing and a curse. she loves to play dress up and to pretend to be a kitty. she plays mommy and baby with any toy she can find. she loves her brother so fiercely and is really amazing with him 99% of the time. she's bossy and she can be a really bad sport, but she's working on sportsmanship. she is cautious but willing to try new things. she hates shots and being told no. she adores her family.

weight: 38 pounds
height: 42 inches

i love this kid with every fiber of my being and i cannot believe she is five.

first day! preK!

dear emme,

today was the first day of a huge new chapter in your life: elementary school. this is, to a large extent, what you'll be doing for the next fourteen years or so. it's a big deal.

your teacher is mr. butler and, though you were a bit reserved with him initially (your usual MO), you warmed up to him during the first day and had lots of stories about his silliness. you even gave him a hug on the way out the door!

your capacity to get on board with new situations and people is amazing to me - that adaptability is a great quality that will serve you well throughout your life. you don't dive head first, but you approach change with thoughtfulness and acceptance.

i know you are sad to leave your old school behind. you've told me so, and i've seen the fun you've had there - the attachments you've formed with other kids and many of the teachers. you've been comfortable and safe there, and you've learned a lot. but this is just the first of many times when you will have to leave the comfort and safety of one environment to venture into something new, and i am immensely proud of the way you're approaching it.

i have so many hopes for you this year. i hope every day ends with you full of stories about yoga and books and silly dancing and all the shells you found on the playground. i hope you continue to love the thrill of sitting in the cafeteria. i hope you grow in compassion and kindness toward your friends and classmates and your love of learning continues to blossom.

i love you so much little goose, and i am so excited to stand by you this year and experience all that it has in store.

love,

mom.

34.

sunday was my birthday, so i'm in my mid-thirties now. it was a good day - i've been rocking this super fun summer cold for about a week, so i was a little drugged up and out of it from the nyquil, but my rad family was good about letting me be a bit lazier than usual. we had fun the whole weekend.

friday night i threw a little dinner party for benny who moved to california this week. he's going to teach at stanford, so i guess if you have to have a good friend move away, stanford is a pretty good reason for it...

saturday, we went to marble falls with the perques and the kids rocked out on the lake alllll day. they had an absolute blast. we haven't spent as much time with the perque fam over the last several months because everyone's schedules are psychotic, so it was super nice to just hang in the water with them. the kids skipped nap in favor of time on the boat and more time leaping off of the big water mat, so they were obviously exhausted by the time we headed home.

jb had arranged for miss crystal to come babysit so we could have a little date night, so we threw some dinner together for the kidlets and took the fastest showers ever. we were pretty tired after our lake adventures (and these stupid colds) too, so we went out for sushi and headed home right after. we did have this king salmon nigiri that was the most unbelievable fish i have ever eaten, and going on dates with jb is always a super special treat.

sunday morning, the fam let me sleep the nyquil off until about 8 or 8:30 when they serenaded me awake with happy birthday and cards the kids had made. they also brought me coffee in bed, the quickest way to my heart, while attacking me with sweet cuddles. i love those people.

we got up and headed to brunch downtown at z tejas. it was (amazingly) still cool enough to sit outside under the fan and the wisteria, so we did. the kids ate chocolate chip pancakes and jb and i split a tejas benny. jb also surprised me with a plane ticket to nyc, the nicest birthday gift of all time. so, i'll be in the City in september for a weekend with old friends. yay!

the rest of the day was spent getting a pedicure, doing a little sewing, and hitting the neighborhood pool. ek is becoming quite the little fish and it is super fun to watch her get a little more confident in the water each time.

all in all, a great birthday, setting up for a great year.

hollis goes potty.

so, hollis is potty trained. mostly. he had zero accidents yesterday and has been in undies for four or five days now. i'm super excited and impressed with him.

truthfully, i was planning to wait until after vacation, but...he asked, and i feel like when they ask, you say yes. so, we are stocked up on thomas the train underpants, ninja turtle underpants, spiderman underpants. and we're doing this thing.

having zero kids in diapers is liberating and also kind of the saddest thing ever.

dance recital time.

emme's dance recital was a couple weeks ago and it was so adorable. she loved dressing up and especially wearing make-up (sparkly eye shadow, blush, lip gloss). she looked like a little prima and i was so proud of her! she really followed along and did all the moves so well.

she's torn on whether she wants to take dance again next year, but i'm hoping she sticks it out another year at least. it is fun to watch her and i think she's got a knack for it.

the performance was super cute and she plowed through even though it was right in the middle of nap time. hollis made it through his sister's performance, then promptly passed out on my lap. poor duder.

my parents sent flowers the day before since they weren't able to come into town for the event - they got delivered while she was napping, so she got to discover them at the front door. it was so cute and she was super excited to get a beautiful arrangement just for her. she was devastated that they didn't live forever.

we also picked up a flower lollipop bouquet for her at the recital. she was a fan....

picture overload - so hard to edit this batch down...