school update.

it's hard to believe we're only three weeks into the school year. holy cow. there have been some amazing things so far this school year, and some rough patches as well (already).

when this whole transition period started, i was super worried about hollis. he is a less adaptable kid than emme is, in general, and he never really fully got into the groove at his last school, even after over a year there. he was managing it all a bit better the last month or so (there was a particular teacher that he finally got away from, and i think that helped a lot), so i was even more nervous that he would flip out when we uprooted him again.

so not the situation. he cried the first day i dropped him off (understandably), and has not cried a single day since. he can still get a little squirrely here and there, but he is just handling everything so. well. i am super proud of him. he loves his teacher, miss iliana; he loves swimming a couple days a week; he loves riding the bus to "ja-nastics"; he loves the "jumpoline" when he's at gymnastics. the class size is a bit smaller and the classroom offers lots of opportunities for independent play, on which hollis really thrives. i think he *might* even be starting to make some friends. but regardless...all good things.

ek on the other hand...it has been a whirlwind. i don't know why i wasn't really worried about her. i guess because she is so adaptable - she has always handled new situations rather well. she doesn't just dive right in, but she cautiously observes what's happening and then ultimately does her thing in any scenario.

this time has been much harder. obviously, there are many more elements at play, much more responsibility, all of that. but we've had some challenges. the first week, the big thing was the bus between after school and second after school. which i get - the first day didn't exactly engender confidence in the whole schedule. but even beyond that, she was super upset every day. there is a sweet fifth grader named jacob who helps her buckle and holds her hand on the ride, but she would start getting upset even in mr. butler's class just anticipating the ride.

we also discovered that she was in after after school with lots of kids of all different ages, and that might have something to do with her flipping out about the bus. so i asked the coordinators if they could put her into a section with younger kids - maybe the kids who do full-day preK there who are her age? this was a suggestion from hollis's teacher, and it turned out to be the answer! she enjoyed her time in aftercare a lot more, and the bus ride became less menacing because of that.

the second week brought more fun challenges. there's a conduct system in place in her preK class, similar to lots of schools i'm sure. red, yellow, green, then rainbow if you really go above and beyond. well, last tuesday she told us that in spite of ending the day on green, she had been on yellow at one point. yikes! i will leave aside my personal feelings about arbitrary conduct systems, etc - the fact of the matter is you have to figure out how to succeed and thrive in whatever environment you're in. so, we talked about being on yellow, etc. that behaviour was coupled with general mean-ness - she was being mean to hollis, being super mean to cate on the walk to school, being mean to justin and me. she was also being demanding and rude in the evenings. all just stuff that made me feel like "whose kid is living in my house?".

anyway. thursday, a few hours after i arrived in nyc, i got a text from her teacher asking when i would be back in town. never a good sign. so, monday afternoon, i called him. we ended up talking for 25 minutes, wherein he described an incident thursday that led to her finishing the day on yellow (she was disrespectful to another teacher - something that is unacceptable). she was also refusing to help clean up after centers, and generally just upping the ante on any less-desirable behavior she saw from her classmates. sigh.

monday night, we had a nice long talk about respect and he behavior. we role-played the conversation she would have the next morning with the teacher she disrespected and wrote her an apology note. after getting to school, she did go apologize, so i was really proud that she handled that moment. we also started talking about kindness, and how that's a huge thing - being helpful and kind. i feel like i'v'e been talking about and reinforcing this stuff forever, but i clearly needed to amp it up.

so...tuesday she had a much better day, and then wednesday and thursday she made it to rainbow both days! i am super proud. we still have some work to do on carrying that kind and helpful behavior over to home life, but i know she's got a lot to tackle right now, and it's hard to hold it together 100% of the time. so i am working on being patient and extra loving with her while she figures out how to harness her powers for good. yay, parenting!

school things.

my sweet baby first-born child starts preK in the fall. i kind of can't believe it, even though she will be five in november, it just feels so so fast. in many (most?) ways, i am crazy excited for her. she is becoming such a voracious little learner and i think she will love school the way i did. the preK program at our neighborhood elementary is really incredible, too - they go on field trips, do mindfulness work, do daily yoga and affirmations, have access to media and science resources that are super exciting...it's going to be great.

what has me on a little bit of a stress attack is the whole after-school care thing. which is going to be a thing for, like, forever. um, what? it's completely overwhelming to think about (for me, right now).

here's the deal. when you are a working parent with young (not yet school-age) children, you know that childcare costs are a given. and somewhere in your brain you think into the future, to the time of school, and for some reason, that time feels like it will offer some respite. in some ways, not all. but definitely in the financial way. or at least, this is how my brain thought about it. like: it will be so crazy because she'll be so big/old/it's going so fast BUT childcare costs will not be an issue, so that's the silver lining.

except that's not true. because kids don't go to school the same hours that you work. so you still have to pay. and it's not even really about the money (money is hard, but it's never the root issue for emotional stuff).

for us, for this preK adventure, it's about trusting that our kidlet is going to be ok - that she's going to be able to handle the load of a school day, topped with a bus ride to her after school care location and whatever she has to handle there. that it's not going to be over-the-top stressful for her or exhausting or brain-overwhelming.

anyway...this is life, i know. kids grow, we adapt to new normals and whatever the reality of whatever we're doing now entails. and this will be no different - it will even be amazing, i think! i'm just about my baby riding a bus all by herself.

the terrific twos.

some mornings i am not a great parent. i wish this weren't true, and i wish these mornings were fewer and farther between, but man. some days are just hard.

jb leaves for work usually by 7ish at the latest. this is around the same time the kids are waking up. he is really amazing about doing as much for them/me/the house as he can before heading out, but i still cover the lion's share of the morning wrangling solo.

this morning, i was super tired. in spite of the whole30 goodness i've been putting in my body and the amazing sleep i've been getting up until this point, i did not sleep well saturday night or sunday night. saturday night i had a beastly headache and kept waking up because it hurt so badly. sunday night...well, who knows? i was already tired, but i had a weird dry cough (allergies maybe?) and hollis was sleeping restlessly and making noise, so i kept waking up too. i moved to the guest bed, but no dice. just a rough night of sleep - it happens.

but then. i couldn't get out of my funk/tired/grumpiness. so i took it out on the kids, and now i just feel awful about it. ek is obsessed with this long-sleeved dress that's wayyyy too warm for the summery weather we're having, and i was short and impatient with her, telling her she couldn't wear it. she started crying immediately, and i did manage to reel it in and apologize, telling her i was out of line because i was tired and whatnot. but still - she didn't do anything wrong, and on any other day i probably would have just let her wear the dress. ugh.

anyway. then there was hollis. he woke up fairly sweet and full of love, but this dude is really embracing all that is tales of the "terrible" twos right now. he is sassy and explosive and he can get so emotional. he also loses it over nothing. this morning it was not wanting to put shoes on, which he was hysterical about for a while, until he dropped the bite of banana he'd been holding for like 40 minutes on the floor of the car. so, it was covered in leaves and dog hair, so i threw it away. which accelerated his tailspin even further, so when i dropped him off he was just a wreck. i tried to calm him, hold him, soothe him, but it just wasn't making a dent and i didn't have the energy to deal with irrational two year-old drama. which just leaves me feeling like crap for the whole day.

tomorrow is another day, right?

spilled milk.

there's no use crying over spilled milk, unless that milk was intentionally unleashed on your floor by a super defiant almost-four year-old. sigh.

i didn't cry, but this morning, emme really crossed a line. she stayed in her bed all night last night (a rarity these days), so i went to cuddle with her this morning so she could have a slow, pleasant wake up, and so i could get some extra snuggles in. she was super sweet and i was petting her face and loving on her when i asked her if she still wanted a waffle for breakfast this morning (typically, we discuss her breakfast desires before bed). she said yes, with syrup, which i was ok with because i have thrown out lots of my standards. ha.

anyway. then she said "and i also want chocolate milk". and apparently i haven't thrown out ALL my standards, because i said (gently but firmly) "no, sweetie, not this morning. if you're having syrup on your waffle, you can have regular milk". which in my adult mind is totally reasonable.

well. she came into the kitchen and i set her waffle with syrup and her regular milk in front of her at the table, then i walked away to pour myself my one millionth cup of coffee. and then she yells, in a super whiny voice that can only be described as bratty, "i SAID i wanted CHOCOLATE MILK!". oh. no. i took a deep breath and reaffirmed the limit. no chocolate milk today. she scream-whined at me again, and i calmly said that i'd already given her an answer.

so she poured her milk on the floor.

deep breath. except, it probably wasn't deep enough, because i was like "NO MA'AM". i threw a dish towel at her/near her and said some things like "that was a mean and nasty thing to do" and "you are walking a thin line, missy" (i mean, who says that?) and "if you don't watch it, there won't be a halloween for you". sigh.

anyway. she did clean it up, while mostly sobbing hysterically. i calmed down fairly quickly and when we were both in a decent place, i talked to her about ways we might have been able to handle the situation better. ugh. i feel so out of my league with this whole thing sometimes. i don't want to be the kind of mom whose kids think everything is up for debate, but i also don't want to be authoritarian and dictatorial.

good thing she's resilient, i guess? so she recovers quickly from my foibles.

not enough coffee in the world.

hollis woke up at like 3-something this morning. flipping. out. he's a light sleeper most nights and can make some noises that we usually either ignore or block out with the bathroom vent noise, but it became very clear almost immediately that this was not the usual brief night waking. i'm not sure if it was a night terror or what (emme never had those, so i am confused by what i'm supposed to do, etc.), but he was super upset. i held, rocked, and nursed him for about an hour until he finally went back to sleep, only to wake again at 6:15. oh, sleep, how you elude me.

because i was tired, this morning basically sucked. my attitude sucked, which made me meaner than i usually am, which made me guilty and sad about the way it all broke down. ugh. all my clothes fit weirdly today, so i just feel half put-together (or not even that, as half put-together is about the best i ever do). my hair is doing some weird stuff that i don't know how to deal with. emme dumped every single book in hollis's room into the middle of the floor. she demanded to wear her elsa costume to school (um, no, dude) and flipped out over the heel of her socks being "rumbled-y". hollis had a conniption when i tried to change his shirt that was soaked through with drool because i put the bear shirt on him (he chose the bear shirt) and he changed his mind mid-wardrobe-change and demanded the shark shirt. then he got all withdrawn and sad and just held his shark shirt in his little hands. these kids know how to play me like a fiddle.

even writing all this down right now, i realize that it's nothing. it's just a day. i hate how being tired or stressed (or both) is like a virus taking over your brain, turning normal interactions into adversarial crappy parenting. this morning my mom told me that my kids are extremely demanding/difficult, but i don't really think that's true. i think they're just kids, doing kid things, getting in the way of all the other non-essential things that eat up my day. sigh.

eating crow.

today i learned a rough lesson. or faced a part of myself i didn't really like facing. or i ate crow.

i haven't liked hollis's teacher since he started at his new school. i don't really know why. i had a bad attitude going in to their transition to the new school, and i have looked for things to be wrong. consciously or unconsciously, i have "wanted" to find stuff to complain about in the environment.

with emme's classroom, i was only able to hang on to the negativity for a couple of weeks. because she articulates her opinions about things, and because the change in her was SO obvious, i had to accept that the new school was good for her, in spite of the flaws i still complain about.

but hollis. hollis has been a different story. he doesn't speak much yet - certainly not enough to communicate rationally what's going on every day. and he's extremely attuned to me and my attitude about stuff, as i am to his. so he and i have been sponging off each other in a negative feedback loop for the last two months.

on tuesday, h's teacher called me to tell me he was complaining about his bum. he'd had a big poop in the morning and was fussy and complainy from that point on. i picked him up early because kk had come into town, took him home, and saw that his bum was rashy and hadn't been 100% cleaned from his poop. to be fair, when you diaper standing up, it is nearly impossible to get it completely clean without really digging. and, hollis isn't exactly in the easiest state of mind regarding diaper changes these days.

so. he stayed home yesterday and played with kk and had a great day. we're struggling with him for sleep transitions and eating right now. a lot. but mostly he was fine and in a great place. i want to blame this rough patch on school. this morning, kk came with me to drop them off before she headed back to louisiana. hollis's teacher asked how he was doing, and i responded (rather jerk-ily) with news of his diaper rash and dirty bum, etc.

after dropping ek off and getting back in the car, my mom pointed out how rude i was to hollis's teacher. i am not a person who takes criticism well in any capacity, so i know she was scared to mention this to me. but, even though it destroys my ego to think about it, i had to acknowledge that she is right.

i have never given hollis's teacher or his classroom a fair shake. i have been defensive and ready to judge and be disappointed since the first day. in looking back on my interactions and conversations with ms. m, i am utterly embarrassed. i can say that i was being protective/trying to defend my child. but there is no reason for my behavior and countenance to have been what it's been. i'm not a rude or mean or bitchy person, really. i don't know how i've been operating like this for two months. as much as it SUCKS to come to terms with this, i am really glad my mom pointed it out to me. i needed someone to just call me out, just a little bit.

after dropping mom off, i drove back by the school. the babies were outside playing and ms. m was preparing the room with snacks, so she was alone. i offered an apology, told her i was sorry i had been so rude. no matter where my head/heart is with all of this, she did not deserve for me to speak to her that way. there's a way to talk to people and i know what that is. anyway. i told her the transition to this school had been really hard on me/our family and that it's devastating to me to have hollis break down every morning when i drop him off. but also, there is still no excuse for my bad demeanor. i never really think about what a hard, thankless (mostly) job it must be to deal with all those kidlets all day long every day. and the parents. and the other teachers. that is not an easy job, and i know she's not making zillions of dollars.

so. she gave me a big hug and told me it was ok and that they are going to take good care of my baby. and i am going to continue to work on my role in the whole dynamic. i don't want my little dude to be unhappy going there because he senses my hesitation/annoyance/negativity. it's hard to be wrong sometimes. haha.

school update.

for those of you following along at home (and for my mental clarity), we are in the fourth week at the kids' new school.

i am mostly tired of thinking about it and talking about it and lamenting it. i want it to be an easy, obvious situation, but it's not.

with emme: she is actually doing really well. her confidence level is vastly improved over what it was in cardinals at her old school. she is kinda/sorta making friends. the class size is small (8 or 10 kids), which is working really nicely for her. her teacher is sweet and nurturing and loving. i don't love that they watch tv 10-20 minutes a day, or that they eat refined sugar and have pizza days every week or so, or that they color in disney coloring books, or that they use sippy cups. but i love that they take pictures and send them to parents and that emme is mostly excited/glad to go to school and that she is engaged and pleased with what she's doing there. she is also learning some academic stuff (planets, parts of plants, that kind of thing), which is fun but maybe not quite as important to me as, say, grace and courtesy. but, if i had to stack rank it, i would say she's thriving here in a way she wasn't necessarily doing at the old school.

with hollis: different story. they tell me (every day) that he stops crying after i leave and does great for the rest of the day. but, he gets upset just seeing the building as we pull into the parking lot. he definitely cried during drop off at our last school, but it was mostly crying because i was leaving, whereas this feels like crying because we're there, ya know? i've picked up on a couple of different days where the little toddlers were eating Flav-R-Ice on the playground. there is a tv in his classroom. the books and work on the shelves are in opaque bins - not really accessible by curious kidlets. they change his diaper once or twice in the whole day. and his teacher is just not nurturing at all. she took him from my arms yesterday by holding him by the forearms and moving his body to the floor. i know they're not hurting him or doing anything wrong at ALL, it's just not the environment i want for him. it feels like a baseline of care rather than something wonderful.

i'm still second-guessing myself and wondering if i'm just crazy, especially since i've talked to numerous other parents whose kids go there/have gone there and there has been unanimous support and affection for the school. so i know it's not like it's really terrible. it's just also not what i thought it was. but i still don't feel like we have any great alternatives readily available, and i am not really sure what to do.

one week in.

i'm trying hard to process through what is most important to me/our family when it comes to our kids. the easy answer is everything - i want everything for them. if i have to be away from them all day every day, i want them to be in an environment that nurtures them. i want them to have opportunities to learn at their own speed, in their own style. i want them to be inspired and filled with awe and wonder for learning and discovering. i want them to be with peers and caretakers who love and support them and make them feel free to be their authentic selves. it seems like a lot of that might be lofty or touchy-feely or whatever, but i think all of those things are important.

i also want them to learn practical life skills. it's one of the primary reasons we chose a montessori environment for them. i believe that my kids will learn to read, whether they're 4 or they're 7, but i think a foundation of grace and courtesy and independence are super important and need to be established really early on.

so. we're five days in to their new school, which is a "montessori" school, and the best way i can describe it is that it's not a montessori school, it's a daycare. and i don't mean that in a disparaging way, i'm just having a hard time.

there are a few tenets that we've established at our house that aren't overly rigid or crazy (i don't think), but that are pretty important to our family's values. we don't really watch tv during the week, as a general rule. emme didn't watch tv at all to speak of until she was two. it's harder with hollis, but there is very very limited screen time at our house. i just think my kids will eventually learn how to play on an ipad and they'll learn who elmo is and all of that regardless of anything else. so i don't make an active effort to expose them to those things; instead, we read lots of books, spend time outside, cook together, that sort of thing. as a working mom, i have a couple of hours with my kids on work days and that's IT. i don't want 30 minutes of it monopolized by dora the explorer. and again...i am not disparaging anyone whose kidlets watch tv nonstop. my working mom guilt is pretty intense and this is one way i assuage it.

another thing is a limit to treats. so, things like pizza, sweets, processed foods as much as possible, all of that...are limited at our house. there are still WAY more treats than i'd like to have in a perfect universe, but the point is that it's at my discretion.

anyway. a couple of things have gone down this week that have upset me and i'm just trying to keep a level head and not jump to any conclusions.

the first is that there's a tv in the classroom. in every classroom. including hollis's. this was something that wasn't indicated or mentioned during the school tour. i noticed emme's on day one and was told it was only used "10-15 minutes a day before nap while the area is being prepared for nap, and only educational programming". i bit my tongue even though i take issue with that on so many levels. on wednesday, i took hollis to his 18-month doctor's appointment. when i dropped him back off around 11:40, all the little 18-month to 2 year-olds were sitting on the floor staring up at a tv screen. um, what? even if i can bite my tongue about my 3.5 year old, the APA says no screens for kids under two, period. this should not be happening in a school or daycare environment, and especially not in a place touting a "montessori" title. i called the director and tried to nicely express my concern. i said i would much rather have my kids prepare the nap area (again with that whole practical life thing we're supposed to be jointly instilling) or be read to than have them stuck in front of a screen. the director said she would talk to the teachers, so i am just assuming nothing is happening.

the next thing is hollis. he's struggling SO much with this change. i honestly think he would be struggling with any change, but this is next level. i don't love his lead teacher - she is not warm or loving with him. the work in his classroom is crappy and not deliberate at all. another time i walked in, the teacher was sitting on a chair playing a CD for the kids. not singing or clapping or giving them instruments to work with or anything. just having them sit and be quiet and listen to a recorded song. she's made several unsavory comments about our cloth diapering and this morning she picked hollis (while he was crying) up by his forearms and moved his body. i don't love any of that.

there are some other minor things too that i won't get into right now because i have to stop overthinking everything. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i just wanted to record everything because that's what this whole blogging thing is for. sigh.

*i will say that emme is responding quite well, mainly because her class size is so much smaller. she was also in a situation at her old school where there was a lot of mean talk between the kids and she really internalized that stuff, so i think it's good for her to be away from that.

parenting is hard.

last day.

friday was the kids' last day at school before we move to the new school down the street. i tried to hold it together, but it hurt me. i think mostly because it's the only place they've ever known and it's where they go every day where i know they (mostly) have fun and feel safe, where i feel safe sending them. and now they're off to a new world, new place, new experience...which i know will ultimately be ok. and probably hopefully more than ok. but they are just so little and the world is so big and i'm sentimental.

anyway. i made mini fruit kabobs for ek to share during farewell circle and strawberries (hollis's favorite) for him to share. i picked them up at 11:30 so we could drive to houston to meet my parents for a long weekend, and they each did really well with the whole thing. honestly, even though we talked about it and i've explained it several times over the course of the last several days, i don't think either kidlet (even emme) actually gets it. because they have no context for any other school environment. which brings me back to why i was super emotional about the whole thing.

it turns out going to houston and having a week off with fun family time has been the best thing that could have happened to lead up to the change, but more about that later. for now, a little transcript of hollis's teacher's note to him, written on the turtle he painted during his farewell (turtles are his fave):

oh, hollis. it's been such a pleasure to spend time with you. we will miss you! you're a funny little fellow, with your old-man shuffle and set routines. you light up whenever we put new animals of any kind in our classroom, and you know all of their names. you can say a lot of words, even long words like 'nap mat' and 'lunchbox'. you like to be inside or outside, but you want to make sure there are always books available to read. and you are very literate - it's so cute to see your whole-body participation in circle time. we wish you the best, friend.

 we will miss our friends and teachers at hms.

lists.

i have a lot of lists.  on paper, yes, but mostly in my brain.  lists of projects i want to start or complete, ideas for short stories i never write, stuff i need to pick up at the grocery store, recipes to invent, stuff i want to do before i die, songs that i should download and put on a hypothetical running mix, restaurants i'd like to try, books i want to read.  the list goes on - a list of lists.

i've been in a pretty good place mentally lately, i think.  it's hard for me to admit when i'm not in a good mental place, even though i'm also pretty sure it's obvious when that is the case.  i have a hard time with self-care of all kinds.  but.  i've been exercising semi-consistently (at least 3 times a week) for several weeks now.  it has helped tremendously with my B factor.  as in, i'm way less of a B.  i think.  or, i feel like less of a B.  anyway.  this is the first time in my life i'm completely willing to admit that there is something behind this alleged science of workouts/energy/positivity/etc.  so i guess this means i have to keep it up.

the other thing that's been helping tremendously is that i've been reading peaceful parents, happy kids by dr. laura markham.  and also her website, aha parenting.  i mean, whoa.  i haven't become some exceptional parent overnight.  but her writing and advice is so actionable and logical to me.  my yelling has diminished precipitously over the last several weeks, which is creating this amazing feedback loop where the kids aren't as buck-wild and i don't beat myself up all the time and then get more strung out because i'm such a terrible mom and then rinse, repeat.  it's really changed my life ALREADY...and we're only a couple weeks in.  AND i only got jb to finally read, like, one article a few days ago.  and that has made another huge difference.  emme is like a different child, blossoming in this glow of acceptance and play and empathy.  it's remarkable.

so now if we can only figure out how to get hollis to sleep past 4am...

little bro at 16 months.

hollis turned 16 months old sunday!  and my first thought was "this is how old i was when my parents had my brother".  and my second thought was "they were crazy people".  not really, but that is a close age gap.

anyway.  my baby is not a baby anymore.  i mean, he is and he isn't and it's amazing and devastating and all the other emotions.  just like most things with this little parenthood journey.

people always say things like "i couldn't imagine our lives without him", and even though it's super trite, i agree times a million.  hollis is such a part of our family and we adore him.

i will get the rough stuff out of the way first.  this kid.  does not.  sleep.  that's not entirely true, as i've had many friends/acquaintances who've had kids who really REALLY don't sleep.  but man.  i don't think we've had a full night of solid sleep ever in this dude's life.  it was better for a little while, but he's back to waking up at 4:30 or earlier now.  every night.  last week there were many nights with a visit at 1:30 or earlier.  last night he was up pretty much hourly.  i think he's cutting molars maybe?  but i also think i've been making one excuse or another for him in this department since he was born, and the reality is just...he's not a great sleeper.  yet.  his naps have really come around and now he is pretty solid the vast majority of days, so it gives me hope!  but if anyone has any magical tips/tricks on how to get a super busy toddler to settle down and sleep 12 hours, i would be your best best friend.  i hate crying it out (though i've tried), and i'm not really ready to wean him yet (nor is he), but i don't know what else to do...he is waking up ek and then she's in our bed too and really...sleep is important, man.

the other thing is that hollis has a short fuse.  he has quite a little temper and is stubborn and strong-willed (i know this is shocking to hear, since no one else in our family fits this description...ha).  he's also not super verbal yet, so he gets WAY frustrated and he will tell you about it.  by being in a rage.  it's almost funny, but it's also frustrating for us as we're trying to wrangle him and his demanding big sister and all.the.things.  of course.  it doesn't help that he is LOUD.  like, the loudest baby of all time ever.  and when he's mad he's just so so so mad.

but. the rest of the time, hollis is the most hilarious, charming, darling boy.  he will toddle to wherever you are and insist that you read a book to him right then.  his laugh is infectious and profuse and the most joyous sound in our household.  his animal sounds (horse, cat and dog are the only consistent ones right now) are so funny - he doesn't do the n in neigh, so it kind of sounds like he's giggling, and his cat is just MAO.  he has seven teeth in the front and i think a couple of molars are trying to join the party on the right side, but he rarely lets me stick my fingers in there.  he loves to brush his teeth, loves to take baths, and adores his sister beyond belief.  he's become a much pickier eater than i anticipated.  he will always eat bread or cheerios or berries, but everything else is hit or miss.  he's surprisingly gentle (for a boy, especially, from what i've heard) - he is super sweet to the dogs and gives amazing cuddles.  he is immediately happy if he's outside or has access to water that he can splash everywhere.  he loves music and frequently starts the day (way too early) by banging on his dad's djembe.

hollis isn't a big talker yet, but he's got some words: mama, dada, sister (kind of), bird (heavy emphasis on the d like bir-dah - so cute), ball, dog, turtle, bye bye, hi, more, bath, water, and all done are all there (i can understand them, at least).  he signs more, all done, so big, and a few animals.  he's pretty good at following directions and very clearly understands what we're saying (even if sometimes he chooses not to comply).  it's weird after having SUCH a verbal first child...but i'm doing my best not to compare.

my friend alison cut his mullet off a few weeks ago and he looks like such a little dude now.  he walks like an old man - legs bowed, belly out.  it's the best.  his eyes are phenomenally blue.  he's not very chubby anymore, but his feet are still little empanadas and he's pretty delicious, if not overly rolly.  he's super independent already, which is a dream come true and a clear sign that he's the second child.  i'm pretty sure he can play by himself for longer than his sister can already (not to compare but...).

anyway.  my little dude.  i love this child overwhelmingly much, even with my sleep deprivation and his occasional cranky 'tude.  now let's please slow it down a little bit on the whole time-passing thing.

siblings.

there is a lot of chaos at our house these days, and i'm a person that is easily overwhelmed.  control issues, what?  i am working on lightening up and living in the moment and embracing the magic that is happening all the time instead of just looking at where i'm falling short of the mark and flipping out about stupid stuff like dog hair all over the floors and how that load of laundry STILL hasn't been folded.  baby steps.

anyway...one thing that is amazing and pure awesome is the sibling relationship that ek and hollis are developing.  i have to give her credit in that, for the most part, she hasn't been super jealous with "sharing" her parents.  obviously, we have moments of poor choices like grabbing toys out of his hands, being too rough with his body, etc, but i think she is really a great, nurturing big sis and i love that.  i also love that as hollis gets older and more mobile and more talky, they are really playing with each other now.  the other day, i had their nap mats home to wash on the weekend.  ek grabbed hollis's nap mat and he laid down on it and she was dragging him around for a ride on it, then they would lay on it together and just giggle.  it was really sweet.  at whatever point (i really wish i'd gotten a pic of this), she put the nap mat over their heads like a harry potter invisibility cloak and they walked around bumping into things and just cackling with each other under there.  i hope i can help foster this sibling bond for the rest of their lives because i love it.

we continue to have sleep issues at the browne house these days.  em is up most nights and comes into our bed stealth-mode and snuggles up until morning.  i am not a co-sleeper (i think it's a fine idea, but i'm a terrible sleeper and babies in the bed make me even worse), but i'm also operating on lots of sleep deprivation, so mostly i've just let her sleep with me.  but...this has been going on for about a month, so it's time to start establishing new habits....a friend at work suggested i bribe her with candy - like, if you stay in your bed all night, i'll give you this special treat.  i have problems with that on a couple of levels: 1) if she needs that closeness/emotional connection because she's not getting it during the day, i want her to feel like we're accessible for it; and 2) i am kind of against bribing with food (even though i've definitely done it on many occasions) as i think it creates a bad dynamic of reward = food mental thing that i have battled my whole life.  so.  the other night i was desperate, so i offered to let her watch tv in the morning before school if she stayed in her bed all night (we have never watched tv during the week in our house).  this is how the conversation went:
me: if you wake up in your own bed in the morning, we can watch tv before school!
ek: but why?
me: well, it would be like a special treat!
ek: but mommy, sleeping in your bed is a special treat.
me: oh, sweetie - you can sleep in our bed!  this will be like a choice - which special treat do you want?

so that night she actually did make it the whole night in her bed.  that hasn't happened every night since, but some nights it works, and i suppose it's not the worst thing to let your kids have like 10-15 minutes of sesame street in the morning...right?

dentist.

yesterday afternoon was rough.  i left work early to pick up the kids and bring ek to the dentist.  we've been talking about it and she's been excited to go, so i was optimistic.  chick fil-a is across the street from our dentist's office and she asked if we could go there (she is in love with that place as it's the only fast food she's ever had and they have a big playscape).  i said as long as she was sweet at the dentist and did what he and the hygienist asked, we would go to chick fil-a before heading to dance class.  

well, that didn't happen.  she hid behind me and acted like a total brat in the dentist's office.  i was so embarrassed (i know that's ridiculous, but i was).  i finally persuaded her to sit in the dentist's chair, but she hid her face and refused to open her mouth for the hygienist.  after 15 minutes of asking, telling, begging, bribing, threatening, turning it into a game, etc., i told her we needed to leave.  she perked up and said "ok, can we go to chick fil-a now?" and i said of course not because she didn't hold up her end of the deal.  

enter complete and total meltdown in the parking lot/car.  she was screaming and crying and pitching an amazing fit.  it made me SO upset that i started crying on the ride home.  sigh.  she has brought it up again several times last night and this morning, so i know she's thinking about it and processing her decisions...it's just so hard to know how to handle stuff like that.  i also think she knows the dentist is going to tell her to stop sucking her thumb, so there is probably some anxiety about that because she's not ready to quit.  

anyway.  we ended up letting her go to dance class because we pay for it and i needed a few minutes of relative quiet.  i hung out with hollis and when she got home we had a nice bedtime routine and ended the day on a good note.  

i'm working on not extrapolating one bad day/incident into the overarching definition of my child.  i'm working on not thinking i'm a terrible parent on the whole just because i lose my temper on occasion.  i'm working on figuring out a method that works for all of us...that's a little gentler and gets the job done more effectively.  

great parenting.

this morning i asked emme to brush her teeth (like i do every day) before school.  she refused, so i gave her the choice of brushing them for her.  she refused that as well and went so far as to stick her arm in her mouth so i couldn't get to it.  she has a dentist appointment this afternoon, so it was even more crucial than usual to practice oral hygiene (although i do make this a priority every morning).  the whole ordeal ended with me losing my temper and shouting and justin physically holding her arms down and shoving the toothbrush in her mouth.  i HATE that.  i hate sending her off to school on a bad note; hate heading to work feeling like an utter failure of a parent.  i try (daily) to pick my battles, and some days it feels like there are no battles i can win.

wednesday.

yesterday and monday emme came home from school saying that a couple of her buddies told her they don't want to be her friend anymore because she's bad.  i asked her what she did when they said that and she said she told them she wasn't bad, walked away, and went to find some new buddies to play with.  yesssss.  that is an appropriate response.

in sixth grade i became friends with a group of girls who teased, belittled and broke me down little by little every day. there were good days too, but my overwhelming impression of middle and high school are of feeling horrible about myself - like i didn't deserve to have people like me or respect me, like i was unworthy in almost every way. the treatment was so terrible that my mom told me one of the girl's mothers called my parents during high school to tell them how bad it was, but what could they do? the catch-22 of an experience like that, especially one that starts so young, is that it seeps into your being and makes it even more difficult to get away. the most important thing is to remove yourself from that situation, but the systematic (whether intentional or not) breakdown of any sense of esteem makes it impossible. better to have "friends" who treat you like crap than to have no friends at all, right?

i still bear the emotional scars from these formative experiences. until very recently, i even kept somewhat in touch with several of these girls - every interaction dredging up that same feeling of less-than, of unworthiness. i am quite sure they've had an influence over so many things in my life, from jobs to relationships to other friendships (many of which were a devastating echo of these formative ones). i don't want to be overly dramatic about it, but bullying (even subtle bullying) is pretty impactful.

so. the idea that this type of behavior - this categorizing of my child (or anyone's) as "good" or "bad" - starts at the tender age of three...it kills me. i get that not everyone deserves a trophy. that life is tough and you're not always going to be surrounded by people who adore you. it's important to learn how to stand up for yourself at an early age, to be aware of the kind of treatment that makes you feel good or bad, to know that you have a say in tolerating it or not. as eleanor roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". but this kind of talk, this treatment of one's "friends" is insidious. she won't always come home and tell me what so-and-so said. she may not always be tough enough to walk away, to choose other friends. i hope she is, and i hope i am strong enough to encourage her. i hope we can step in and fight these battles for her when necessary. and above all, i hope she is never the one calling her friends bad.

helpless.

hollis is still sick - his fever jumped up to 104.3 last night, which is just terrifying (and also clearly not related to the MMR vaccine).  i brought him in this morning and his white count is normal, he doesn't have the flu, and his ears, throat and lungs are all good.  so, big relief, but i still have a virus-riddled bebe who is sad.  and i still have a job to do (like a work-job, not a mom-job), even though my heart/gut tells me the most important thing is to care for this niblet.  helpless.

i got notes home the last two days in a row about emme scratching/clawing other children and drawing blood during a confrontation.  one was about chalk.  the other was about space for her nap mat on a shelf.  her nails were definitely too long (my fault - again, no excuses but MAN it is so hard to keep up with every.single.thing.).  but, even with short nails, she could have hurt these other kids.  this level of passion/fury/intensity in my sweet girl is hard to know how to channel.  i don't know if i should be worried about it or if it's within the realm of totally normal three year-old behavior.  i want to just know what the solution is, and i don't.  so, here again, i am helpless.

and the obvious answer: ask for help.  which i'm notoriously bad about.  but i suppose it takes a village for a reason, right?  because we can't do this (or at least, not well) on our own....

rolling!

i don't have a lot to write, other than two days ago, hollis officially started rolling - both directions.  it's been a long time coming and now he's on the move, pivoting and scooting.  he's so proud of himself when he rolls from back to tummy.  i love it.

we've been dealing with intense bedtime/sleep drama with our little cardinal.  exhausting for everyone involved.  if anyone has ideas on how to make a bedtime routine last less than an hour and to help my child be calm and sweet when i tell her it's time for bed, please send them my way....

the plague and the stay at home mom.

last friday morning when we went in to get emme up, there was vomit all over her bed.  awesome.  i took her temp, bathed her, stripped the bed, and asked her how she felt.  great, she said.  she even ate breakfast and did some laps around the house squealing to prove it.  i figured it was related to congestion or something, but decided to send her to school because she didn't seem sick in any capacity.  saturday morning was the same scene, but she again acted totally normal.  i started thinking maybe it was psychosomatic - like she was waking up with bad dreams and vomiting?  who knows.  i called her doctor's office and they said not to be too worried about just two nights in a row, but maybe only give her clear liquids the last hour or two before bed...just in case.  at this point, i check facebook and a boat load of her classmates are down for the count with a stomach bug.  bummer!  but, considering how she was acting all day saturday, i thought we'd already seen the worst of it.

sunday morning we woke up puke-free.  great success!  she wasn't eating much, but she was in great spirits and all was well.  we decided to take a sunday afternoon drive to look at houses and this is when the poop hit the fan.  or the car seat, as it were.  from the back seat, we hear a little voice say "my tummy hurts".  so we start motoring to the nearest establishment with a bathroom.  before we could get there, though, we could smell the accident.  poor kid.  so i get out of my seat to go check the situation and it is NOT good.  emme was completely distraught and her seat/pants/etc. were a mess.  so we head home, get her out of the car.  justin hoses down the car seat and i strip her in the front yard and bring her inside to get cleaned up.  jb comes inside, gives her a bath, and everything looks to be going a little bit better.  i was nursing hollis and i hear her ask to sit on the potty and say her tummy hurts again.  she coughs twice and i was about to tell jb to have the garbage can ready when she projectile vomits all over him and the bathroom.  so, back in the tub and pull out the clorox wipes and the hot water wash.  she was puny the rest of the afternoon and went to bed early, but we had no more incidents.

then, around 2 a.m. monday morning, i wake up puking.  super fun.  i manage to nurse hollis a few times between bouts and justin (smartly) headed to the couch.  ek wakes up at 7:45 and feels awesome, but i'm feeling like death warmed over and jb starts feeling badly too.  great fun.  monday was spent trying to hold down small sips of water and ginger ale while tending to hollis and trying not to feel overly guilty for letting emme watch 352 episodes of thomas the train on demand.  oh my how that girl loves thomas.  anyway.  we made it through the day, somehow, which was amazing.  by 7:30 at night or so, i was able to eat a piece of toast, but i had a screaming headache and my whole body just hurt.  i hate stomach bugs.  jb was out of it as well, so we crawled into bed around 8:30.  hollis was up a few times, but he is (thankfully) really easy at night, in that he will wake up, nurse, then go right back down.

so, yesterday was back to a state of normalcy.  ek was looking good and i thought she was fine to go back to school.  over half of ek's class was out on monday, but it seemed to be a relatively quick bug, so we brought her.  i began the slew of laundry and dishes and wiping down everything - i feel like i want to bleach my whole house when we have a bug like that.  and hollis decided he wasn't napping at all.  i get a call from e's school at 12-ish saying she'd had a loose stool and i need to come get her at 2:30 after nap.  so i do.  the afternoon was better than anticipated - she helped me make soup for everyone for dinner, we spent some time outside, etc.  but, her school's director asked that i not bring her back to school today.  AND...school is closed for a half day tomorrow and all day on friday for some conference.

so.  i am exceedingly thankful that i am on maternity leave right now.  i'm also acutely aware of how hard it is to have two at home by yourself.  it makes me feel like a terrible mother...like i could never be a stay at home mom.  i know that's not really true - i am just not used to it.  this was sprung on me, so i have no plan, no agenda.  and i'm still recovering from being sick myself.  i feel like each part of the day is me neglecting one or the other of them.  hollis has to be relegated to his bouncy seat with his pacifier so i can make lunch for ek or pay attention to her for a minute.  emme has to fend for herself while i rock hollis to try to get him down for a nap (or else he screams and makes everyone upset).  the day goes from fabulous child-centered bliss to intense chaos minute-to-minute.  is it like this for everyone?  anyway.  i want to relish these unexpected days with both of them - they are really so few and far between.  but i'm so concerned about trying to do everything perfectly that i end up fast forwarding through the good parts of just being with them.  i'm working on that.  and right now, they are both asleep at the same time, so i should grab a bite to eat while i can...

i press this.

despite my good intentions, i think the days of posting monthly emme updates have fallen by the wayside.  my original, unstated intention was to do every month up to 24 (when i swear i will stop counting her age in months...or at least i will try!).  but, with as busy as we are these days, and as incredibly active as she is, the time for portraits and organized photo shoots has not been a priority.  i'm going to work harder at posting/writing about the everyday pictures and activities instead of the formal monthly posts.  this is how i will rationalize my shortcomings in this department...

anyway.  emme is a little over 20 months now.  insanity.  i had to go to san diego for work at the end of june, and i came back three days later to a little monkey who was speaking in sentences.  it literally happened that fast.  her language has exploded over the last several weeks and it is so. much. fun.  she is really kind of a hilarious person.  the most common sentence we hear is "i [verb] this".  i press this; i taste this; i push this; i close this; i open this; i turn this off; the list goes on.  we also hear i did it! a ton.  i got her a babydoll (her first) in california and she is obsessed with it.  it has a beanie that goes in its mouth, so she will try to click it in there by herself (something she does with increasing ease and frequency, even though that baby's head is wily).  when she is successful, she stands back proudly and says i did it!  this also happens with coloring, putting on articles of clothing, etc.  so cute.  yesterday, i picked her up from school (wednesday is water play day) and i asked her if she had played in the water.  her response was "i played in the water" - instead of "yes" which was her response every week before now.  i am just so amazed at her correct use of pronouns and subject/verb agreements.  haha.  i'm also a huge dork.  what else?  oh!  she has this little toy remote control thing my mom got her.  it has eyes and you can push a button and close the eyes.  she was showing it to me one day and explained to me "he closes his eyes".  who knows where she gets this stuff?  it is amazing to me.  her vocabulary is growing daily, too.  she is always trying to sound out new words and then uses them again when i'm least expecting it.  i am obsessed with the way she says yogurt (her favorite breakfast option).  she still needs reminders to use words sometimes, especially when she gets upset or reactive about something, but i mean, she is a toddler.  it's just SO nice that she is capable of/knows the words to use now instead of the frustration of a couple months ago where she understood so much but couldn't say most of it.  anyway...i hope this isn't coming across as braggy - i am just literally stunned and awed watching/experiencing the development of language.  it's endlessly rewarding, and makes me feel like i have a much better glimpse into her little world. 

ek is also absurdly busy these days.  her default pace is running, which she lets us know by announcing "running!  running!" as she's running.  she wants to climb and subsequently stand on every surface known to man.  one of the most frequent phrases heard from me/justin is "ON YOUR BOTTOM".  her response is usually a mischievous grin followed by a slow descent back to her bottom.  i am only beginning to anticipate all the testing we're going to get from this little bug.  we are working really hard on staying consistent with certain manners/expectations, and for the most part she is doing well with these.  the stuff that i'm focusing on right now is:

• saying please and thank you (please is nearly perfect, thank you is still a work in progress).
• putting dirty clothes in the hamper (this involves opening a hatch thing, so she is pretty into it).
• staying at the table until everyone is done eating (this is from the french parenting book i read - we still have work to do, but she is MUCH better than she used to be...she will ask to get down, but doesn't flip out when i remind her that others still have food on their plates).  
• gentle touches (with us, the dogs, her buddies, her body).
• understanding where/how to play with certain things (i.e. we color on paper, not the furniture; we dig in dirt outside; we eat only at the table, etc.).  this is a definite work in progress, and likely will continue to be. 

i feel like there are others, but a lot of that is stuff that i am working on for me/me and jb.  stuff like watching my tone when she gets testy and being responsive when she asks for hugs/to be held instead of just assuming she's being needlessly clingy.  slowing down, in general, especially with her.  letting her be independent and encouraging her to do hard things.  the list goes on...

so i guess this is kind of rambly, but will suffice as an update.  i love this age - she is so sweet and curious and fun.  i love when she chuckles at some random thing and says "haha, funny mama".  i love the expressiveness and the endless fascination with everything.  we went for a walk with the pups last weekend after rain all week and there was mud everywhere...she stopped every 2-3 steps to stick her fingers in the mud and squeal about it.  i love that she has a very clear nurturing side but can be tough too....i hope she keeps that up.  she is hardly ever still these days, but we have great cuddle time before bed every night and during the slow wake up period in the mornings.  i love her little singing voice and we are endlessly amused by her obsession with the lalala elmo song and the birthday song (and birthday videos justin has made).  we really do love this girl.

apple of my eye.

justin tells me i am not allowed to begin every post with a comment on how far behind i am with posting...

i'm at work and i haven't wrangled pictures in nearly two months.  sigh.  so instead, i will just offer a mundane update.  emme is doing better with the crazy whining.  our consistency seems to be paying off, as she is more apt to respond more quickly to the words we always say (gentle touches, normal voice, say please, etc. etc.).  she is still very attached to me, but seems to be handling that better, too.  last night, i went to a sewing class and had to leave before bedtime and she didn't even cry when i told her goodbye!  that is a first in a long time. 

anyway.  it's a constant work in progress and there is no such thing as a static state in parenting, i'm learning.  this is a challenge for a "fixer" like myself...i just want to have a solution and be able to execute on it right away.  alas, that is not always feasible. 

in the evenings, i pick emme up from school after work and we usually head home where we try to combine some outside activities (chalk or swinging or occasionally swimming when i have the energy or the extra time) with the indoor activities that need to happen (gathering dirty diapers and laundry, loading containers from lunches, getting dinner prepped and on the table) while we wait for dada to get home from work.  i've been really trying to have dinners made or something set to go in the crockpot so we can eat together as a family when jb gets home.  it's harder than it seems with a kiddo that goes to bed around 7, but i've had varying degrees of success. 

the other night, i was chopping veggies to throw in the oven to roast, so i had emme sitting up on the counter helping me.  her help is hilarious, as she mostly likes to point at various things on the counter and sneak bites of raw zucchini or whatever else i'm cutting.  anyway, this particular night, she discovered an apple in the fruit bowl and we talked about how it was green and smooth and she picked it up and just started eating it.  i asked her if she wanted me to cut it up, and even tried to take it from her so i could wash it and get it in to more manageable slices, but she was having none of that.  we headed outside to wait for dada and she would not put the apple down, no matter what we were doing.  she actually made quite a bit of progress with it...i was impressed.  she doesn't love the peelings (though she will eat some of them), so occasionally she would toddle over to me and spit a small shred of green apple peel into my hand.