thankful: november 30.

i am thankful that this month of posts has drawn to a close.  i love blogging, but it's not something i am able to do every day (obviously).  i did manage to jot a note into a draft every day so i could remember what i wanted to give thanks for that day, so to that end, i loved the exercise of thinking about gratitude daily.  but then sitting down to write something and publish it to the blog...well, i guess i am just very thankful for the back-dating feature of blogging.  ha.

thankful: november 29.

i am thankful for etiquette.  when i was growing up, mom would practically have to wrestle me to the ground to get me to write thank you notes.  i hated it - i never felt like i could adequately express my gratitude in a note, and it just felt like it took forever.  somehow, though, the practice stuck, and now i write thank you notes of my own volition.  they are not always 100% on time (i just finished the ones from emme's birthday today - yeesh!), nor are they the most eloquent writing anyone can read (and i'm sure i have missed a few prime note-writing opportunities in my day, though hopefully not many...), but i have come to thoroughly enjoy the practice of taking a few moments to hand write and stamp something acknowledging a gift or act of service.  i think of myself as a pretty modern gal, but this is an "old-fashioned" habit i will pass on to my niblets, even if it involves years of wrestling.

thankful: november 28.

after such an awesome week off, i am not especially thankful to be back at work (though i am thankful for my job), but i am thankful for a job with the flexibility i have.  i work with super nice people who all work hard, but also value their families and a sense of work-life balance.  i am so fortunate to be able to work from home some days (there are just some days when putting on shoes is too much), and to be able to finish things up at whatever hours work for me if i have to, say, bring ek to the doctor, or be available to meet a contractor or something like that.  since i have to work, i feel very lucky to have had the jobs/career that i have.

thankful: november 27.

today, i am thankful for our friend mike.  we are blessed to have many, many good friends who are awesome and helpful and dependable, but i have to give a special shout out to mike.  he looks after our house every single time we leave town, and can always be counted on to make sure everything is in order.  when we were driving back from louisiana today, austin was hit with intense wind gusts.  mike was at our house, picking up debris that had flown all over our yard (including our patio table!) and glass that had broken.  he tied down our umbrella so it didn't blow away.  when we have a party or even just he and kim over to watch a football game, he makes some kind of delicious treat to contribute and brings it over.  he has helped us (and by us, i mean justin) lay sod, he was up at the wee hours to help us move over the summer, and our dogs get more excited to see him than they do to see us most days.  he's a heck of a guy, mister uncle doctor.

thankful: november 26.

today, i am thankful for coffee.  i drink a lot of coffee.  i love it.  i drank decaf while i was pregnant, that is how much i love the whole experience of that hot rich goodness in a mug.  lately, i have gone off the deep end and have been having a lot more than my usual two cups in the morning - it's more like 4 or so cups, scattered throughout the day.  i should probably reel that in, but it's winter, and i love it.  when justin and i first started dating, he was not a coffee person.  he's still nowhere near the java-junkie that i am, but i have managed to corrupt him into being a coffee drinker most mornings.  though we rarely do it, my ideal morning involves waking up early and heading to the porch with steaming mugs and blankets to watch the world come to life.

thankful: november 25.

today i am thankful that i do not participate in black friday.  to each his own, but there is no bargain in the universe that could make me wait in line in the wee hours of the day and battle other adult humans to purchase something that is undoubtedly going to be forgotten or thrown away within a matter of months anyway.  rather, our black friday tradition is to wake up early and start the turkey and sausage gumbo.  drink coffee for hours.  snack on leftovers while the gumbo is cooking.  throw a football in the yard.  some years, like this year, wonderful friends will come over to share in the gumbo fun (yay, pyle families!).  some years there will be watching of movies we've seen 800 times on tbs.  hopefully all years will contain this level of relaxation instead of mass-consumer frenzy. 

thankful: thanksgiving day.

this morning, mom and i went to mass and the priest was an indian man who had only been in the states for about 10 years.  he moved to louisiana from india and his homily was about how amazing this country is.  how he was so surprised by little things like people having yards, and then having to think about watering those yards because where he grew up, they didn't have clean water for their children.  it was an incredible perspective.
today, i am thankful to live where i live, in this time.  i am thankful for insulated shelter and healthy, abundant food choices, and sanitary water, and access to infrastructure like roads that allow me to get places relatively easily.  i am thankful that, even though i think our political system is broken and infuriating, we live in a place where change is a possibility.  i am thankful that i have access to education, that i don't have to teach my daughter what a "woman's place" is.  today, i am thankful to be where i am.

thankful: november 23.

when i decide i'm going to feel sorry for myself, one of the go-to lamentations i usually consider is the i-don't-have-a-best-friend conundrum.  i have so many fantastic friends, you would think i could just be happy with that, but on certain days i wallow in the lack of that one girlfriend that i call every single day, that i can talk to about almost anything, that can reset me when i get all self-piteous and ridiculous.  it is usually not long into this foray that i realize i do, actually, have this person in my life; it's just not the traditional relationship with a member of my peer group.  it is my mom.  i feel immensely blessed to have the mother i do.  we speak multiple times a day, using the opportunity to celebrate minor victories or reset in the wake of frustrations or disappointments.  i know that my mom is the one person in my life who will always answer the phone when it's me (sometimes even when she probably shouldn't).  when i have a challenge or a crisis of any kind, mom is immediately ready to come up with a solution and to do whatever she can to help.  despite being far away, she makes an effort to know about every detail of emme's life.  she has been an incredible mentor and guide to me as i am learning how to be a mother.  she and my dad have also made the commitment to drive 6 hours to austin every 4 weeks throughout e's life so they can maintain a relationship with her (the plan has worked, as ekb recognizes their voices and has no stranger aversion whatsoever when she sees them).  i know it's not easy on them (or their vehicle) to be away from home one weekend every month, but they have never complained about it.  when they're here, they bring food, cook, clean, and help with projects (and sometimes even invent projects that weren't on our radar).  my mom is fun and generous and exuberant and loyal.  she also never sits still and is constantly improving the environment for whoever is around (one of the reasons we have few pictures of her).

no relationship is perfect, but mom and i both work on ourselves and our communication skills and try to address any issues that crop up as best we can.  she is a student of life, and a guide to me in my relationships and my faith.  i am so thankful that we have each other in our teeny tiny family.  i hope that i can foster the same kind of respect and camaraderie with emme as she grows.  

thankful: november 22.

today, i am exceptionally thankful that i have been able to breastfeed.  i absolutely know that not everyone can (or chooses) to nurse her baby.  it's a super personal, individual decision (and sometimes it's not a decision you even get to make), and i respect and support each woman's journey with those early, crazy days and weeks.  for me, it was something i really wanted to be able to do.  my mom breastfed me, and i made the commitment when i was pregnant to do it for a year if at all possible.  it was not always easy. after going back to work when she was twelve weeks old, i pumped three or four times a day at work, while still nursing her at least three times in the hours i was at home.  that was not fun.  while i am grateful that the technology exists now that enabled me to continue to give breastmilk to my baby even though i'm a working mom, pumping is very mechanical and time consuming and sometimes downright inconvenient.  not only do you have to get bottles, laundry, etc. ready for the baby each day on top of your own work supplies, lunch, etc., you also have to think about having enough clean bottles at the ready, how/where you're going to store the milk, when you're going to be able to pump (negotiating around meetings and trying to be a little bit discrete), if the clothes you're wearing will accommodate the pump phlange things, and myriad other details.  it's not the biggest deal ever, of course, it's just one more chunk of responsibility in an already-crazy time, especially when it's your first time. 

anyway...as time went on and she grew, i was able to decrease the pumping demands until, by the last week of october, i was only pumping once a day. finally, october 29th was the last day i pumped.  i still haven't weaned her, but i am loving this arrangement of cow's milk during the day and being able to nurse in the morning and at night.  i'm sure i'll eventually get around to weaning, but it just doesn't seem like the right time quite yet.  i'm amazed that human bodies can produce a life-sustaining substance, and i am awed and humbled that i was able to experience it.  i'm also thankful that, through the whole journey, i produced a whole lotta extra milk and was able to donate a bunch of ounces (i think close to 400 - whoa) to the mothers' milk bank here in austin.  just a quick little plug - if you express milk for your babies and have extra, there is SUCH a need for human milk for the teeny tiny preemies and for other babies who have issues and whose mothers can't meet their demands.  i know austin has a bank for this purpose, but lots of other cities probably do, too.  the women who run that non-profit were incredibly gracious and thankful, and did an amazing job of reminding me how much they appreciated my donation.  i am so thankful i got to give back just a little bit from an experience that i have gotten so much joy from...

thankful: november 21.

even though i will probably complain about it until the cows come home, i am thankful for quality medical care (and insurance!).  not everyone is in a position to take their kiddo (or themselves) to the doctor and only pay a $10 copay (not to mention the $9.07 i paid for emme's two prescriptions).  anyway...it's a simple thing that we take for granted (especially those of us that have it and never stop to consider what it might be like for those that don't), but today i am very thankful.  emme had a quick trip to the walk-in clinic where she was diagnosed with an ear infection (her first) and tonsillitis.  within an hour, we had amoxicillin and ear drops and a fun breakfast date at mel's diner, just the two of us (she looks sad, but actually had a great time eating biscuits and scrambled eggs with mama...)

thankful: november 20.

i am thankful for night wakings.  i know, i know - they are a huge pain, really.  and i am probably way MORE thankful for what a great sleeper my child normally is.  but last night, emme was having none of the pack-n-play situation at mom and dad's house (i blame the cough and snotty nose), so my dad graciously slept in the guest bedroom and my mom graciously invited me and ek into their giant, awesomely comfortable king size bed.  probably because she very rarely sleeps in a big bed with grown-ups, emme has lots of wakings when she does.  and probably because this is not a frequent thing in our lives, i really do LOVE the nighttime visits we have.  she performs a maneuver i like to call the baby 'dozer, where she plants her head firmly into my ribcage and digs her feet into the mattress, tush in the air, trying to plow me over (i suspect?  what other motivation might she have?).  she also is very good at draping her small body across my neck and/or stomach while simultaneously hitting my face.  finally, she also performs the ever-popular stand-and-dance trick wherein she gets to a full stand and bangs on the headboard while doing some dance moves and usually jabbering away like it was midday.  it's not great for my sleep (or hers), but i am trying to remember these things don't last forever, so i might as well appreciate each experience while it's here. 

thankful: november 19.

today, i am thankful for home.  i have called many places home over the years, but the fundamental definition of home will always be the house i grew up in, where my parents are.  i am thrilled and thankful to have a whole week here to decompress and hang out and slow down.  i am psyched to have thanksgiving here - my favorite of all the holidays.  i'm excited for justin to come and hang out and relax with us.  i'm excited to eat all kinds of yumminess.  i'm excited for ek to see family and friends.  yay for louisiana!

thankful: november 18.

today, i am thankful for my dad.  i'm really lucky in that i have an incredible relationship with each of my parents.  dad needed to take some vacation days, so he headed to austin for a couple of days to pick up me and ek and bring us back to lafayette for thanksgiving week.  how many peoples' parents are willing to take their vacation time for that?  not only is he serving as our personal chauffeur (justin can't take the whole week, so he will be in lafayette on wednesday, but we didn't want to have two cars), but he was also my personal assistant today.  i made a ridiculous list of activities for him and he did all my bidding while i was at work, saving me hours of errands.  he went to costco, the post office, the dry cleaners, and target.  what a guy.  anyway...my dad always comes through when i need anything.  he is the greatest.  oh, and emme loves him a lot, too.

thankful: november 17.

i am thankful for emme's appetite.  with the start of school and the influx of sickness, her eating habits have suffered a lot.  she can't taste when she's all stuffy, so she is much less likely to eat anything, much less anything with protein in it.  this week has been much better.  i wouldn't say she's 100% back to the super voracious appetite she's had since she tasted "real" food for the first time, but she is definitely eating again and i am SO thankful.  tonight, my dad came in to town and we went to dinner at this awesome pizza joint in our old 'hood (salvation pizza = yay!).  emme ate pinto beans, broccoli, banana, cheerios, chicken, and all of my black olives.  huge sigh of relief from me when she has a meal like that.

thankful: november 16.

i am thankful for holiday appliance sales.  ha!  when we bought this house, the washer and dryer conveyed and they have been awful.  you have to run the dryer like 3 times to dry a normal load, so our electric bill is through the roof, too.  the dishwasher is terrible as well - dishes don't get clean, and everything smells like the soap didn't really get rinsed off...it's just not a good scenario.  plus, having a baby and all the ridiculous sickness we've had in our house for what feels like months....i just feel like we need good, effective appliances to do all the cleaning we need to do.  so, new stuff was what i decided we needed/wanted for our anniversary.  it will end up being christmas too, i think, but i feel like it's worth the investment.  anyway...back in october, i started looking and researching and this awesome old man named ralph at home depot told me to come back around november 10 for early black friday sales.  well, we headed over last weekend and found out that he was not lying.  we saved literally hundreds of dollars on the exact stuff we wanted!  so, everything got delivered today and i am going to be rocking some hard core laundry for several days, i think.  it's amazing the stuff i get fired up about now that i'm a mom.

thankful: november 15.

i am thankful for etta james today.  i worked from home this afternoon because all my meetings got canceled and i have a ridiculous cold (thanks, immune system).  etta curled up on my feet and sat by me the whole afternoon.  she is a complete head case of a dog, but i love her so much.  if ollie embodies all the best qualities of our family, etta probably embodies...not the worst, but the most neurotic tendencies, i guess.  it can be super frustrating - she pees on the floor when certain friends come over or when justin pets her; she will randomly just whimper in the middle of the room without any agenda; she barks like a spaz at imaginary things....but she is an unfathomably loyal, sweet girl.  etta was my christmas present from justin right before i got pregnant, so she grew up through my pregnancy and i think that and emme's birth have really informed who she is as a dog.  she sticks to my side like glue and is super protective of both me and e.  she doesn't know what to do with herself sometimes because she has so much love to give. she is freakishly timid and it manifests itself in absurd ways, but she is our dog, and i love her.

thankful: november 14.

i am thankful for time by myself.  justin is out of town for a couple of nights, and i miss him a lot when he is not here.  especially since the little miss is usually fast asleep by 7 (and earlier on school nights).  but, sometimes, it is nice to just have quiet and alone-ness.  i made a sandwich and watched bad tv and took a long bath and curled up in bed and i appreciate the times i have by myself because they make me appreciate my busy, full life even more.

thankful: november 13.

we try not to go out to eat too much, and we have varying degrees of success with that.  the worst thing is when we end up eating out/getting take out and we hardly even appreciate the convenience/luxury of it because we're so busy.  today, we did lots of stuff around the house and i went to a baby shower, and we topped the day off with an early dinner out, just the three of us.  we went to this place i used to work at when i first moved to austin and was waiting tables and trying to figure my life out.  they serve home style cooking-type stuff, and it is pretty delicious.

anyway, today i am thankful for the ability to go out to eat.  i know it's a luxury that a lot of people can't afford, and when i've slacked on grocery shopping, and emme has been being a picky eater, and it's getting late, and food hasn't sounded good all week because of sickness, and and and....i'm really really thankful to be able to wind down somewhere with my family and let someone else do the dishes.

thankful: november 12.

i am thankful for saturdays spent with family with no real agenda.  today we got lots of stuff done and did some relaxing (a little), but mostly we spent the whole day with just the three of us.  i love activities with friends and family; i love visitors and visiting; but some days it is so lovely to just connect with our little nuclear crew.  on one of our errands, we unexpectedly ran into a couple of little goats and all three of us loved petting them and checking them out.  it was a great day.

emme's first birthday party.

i have been a fence-sitter about one year old birthday parties, but when we found out justin's brother and family were going to fly in for the weekend, we decided to just go for it.  i have been psychotically busy with work and emme's transition to school and everything else with day-to-day life, so i was not nearly as organized as i hoped to be for the event, but family and friends were super gracious and we had a good time despite my spaciness on certain fronts.

the first thing was that i wanted to create invitations, but i wanted to keep the party pretty small.  this led to me only ordering a few invites and probably forgetting to invite people i probably should have.  alas, next year!  the invitations:

the next thing was decorations.  i found an idea on pinterest and decided to go crazy with it, so thanks to some late night scissor and glue stick action by me and jb, and some additional glue stick and hot glue fun by marilyn, billie, and kk, we created the emme wall.

finally, there was the ever-important issue of dessert.  since i've been calling emme bunny and/or bunny cake since day one, i wanted to make something bunny inspired.  the idea (also from pinterest) looked WAY easier (and cuter) than mine turned out, but they were made with lots of love (and i absolutely know what to do better/easier next time).

mom helped me make a big chicken and sausage gumbo the night before.  her gumbo is always SO delicious, and this one was no exception, as we RAN OUT of food during the party.  whoops.  clearly something else i forgot to factor in was additional food options and a back up plan.  emme ate gumbo and loved it, though.

my parents stopped and got balloons for the party as well.  they were a big hit with all the kids (and are still FULL of helium and emme is relishing having them on her high chair for every meal).

and then, there was the quintessential singing and cake-eating.  emme did not disappoint.  she ate her whole cookie (she tried to shove the whole thing in her mouth at once, but eventually settled for large bites) and then moved full-force into the cupcake and icing.  i think it's safe to say she was a fan.

everyone was super generous with very cute, fun, clever gifts for emme.  she is having a BALL discovering all her new things.  she also loved having most of her family in town to celebrate with her - her cousin maddox, in particular, is so good with her and helps her figure things out and tells her how pretty she is non-stop.  it's unbelievably sweet to watch.

i'd say year one was pretty successful.  we have loved every day of it.

first halloween!

so, like 2 weeks and about a billion years ago, it was halloween.  it's super crazy that this was our first halloween with a kid.  i loved this holiday when i was a child; not so much as an older person, but now i think i will resume my affection for the day...

anyway, when i was growing up, every year we had a giant neighborhood and friend extravaganza at my parents' house.  my mom would cook chili and/or gumbo and everyone would show up decked out in their costumes.  we'd play in the yard and get ready for trick or treating and wait for my dad to emerge from wherever he went to concoct his last minute costume awesomeness.  every year was something great - some stand-outs i remember specifically were the phantom of the "mopera" (where he wore a cape and had a dust mop on his head); the headless horseman (the horse was a broom and he hauled a jack-o-lantern around with him ALL night - such dedication); and the cannibal (his spear was a garden tomato stake with strips of wallpaper attached - genius).  dad would show up right around the time we started gathering in the front yard and he would fly out like a banshee and scare us all (in the best way possible - lots of screeching and giggling).  the scaring would continue as our entourage made its way through the neighborhood and he would hide in various locales, strategically popping out when we least expected.  when we made our way back home, all the kids gathered in joe's room for the great candy swap - sotherby's would be impressed by our auctioning skills, i must say.  scaring would continue as we turned out lights and freaked ourselves out and glowing pumpkins would float by the windows outside (courtesy of my and other kids' dads).  it was always just a fantastic day.

so, we have a lot to live up to in creating these childhood memories for emme.  since this was the first halloween and candy isn't part of her diet yet, we decided on no trick or treating.  but, we had some friends over and jb and i had the first annual browne vs. browne chili cook off.  justin cooked "true texas chili" - beef, spicy, no beans; while i stuck with my less hardcore chili - turkey, mild, three types of beans.  each of them turned out delicious, if i do say so myself.  we had about a gazillion trick or treaters.  seriously, i was amazed.  we never had a single real trick or treater at our old house, so this was super fun.  we went through two gigantic bags of my candy, then we had to send kim back to their house to get their candy, THEN we went through all the neighbor's candy as well.  whew!

i made emme's costume this year and it's a tradition i hope to continue until she makes me stop.  ha!  she was a crawfish (some of my yankee friends may call her a lobster, but nay - a crawfish i say!).  she was actually a pretty good sport for about 8 minutes and then she was definitely over the claws (and the skirt too).  as with lots of homemade things i attempt, this didn't turn out quite the way i hoped/planned, but she was pretty cute nonetheless.  we even got a few family shots which are few and far-between over here.  can't wait to see what this little bunny will be doing next year!  and now for the picture onslaught....

thankful: november 11.

i am so thankful for the weekend.  this week has been intense and long.  the plague really took it out of us, but all the usual stuff still had to happen, of course, so it all just piled up and left even more on our plates for when we felt even remotely better.  my job has been pounding me lately, as well, so it did not help that i missed large chunks of days with being sick.  anyway, all that adds up to needing a weekend SO badly.  of course i have about 436 things on my list this weekend and i will never get to all of it, but two full days lie before me and i intend to soak them up....

thankful: november 10.

today, i am thankful that, for the first time since emme started school, she did not have a snotty nose when i picked her up!  she still has a cough, but the snot seems to have dissipated quite a lot so she was not a crusty little bug in the afternoon.  the pediatrician told us monday that snotty noses and colds are just basically a constant at this age (particularly if they're in daycare), but i am determined to keep her as decongested as i possibly can....

thankful: november 9.

today, i am thankful for a king-sized bed.  we got this bed in july when we moved into the new house, and i think it has made me happy pretty much every single day.  tuesday, when justin and i were so sick it hurt to move, the three of us laid in bed and there was plenty of room for emme to make the H.  she prefers to sleep horizontally on any surface.  i like that we can all cluster together in the middle or sprawl out and still not touch another person.  i like that when pippa nuzzles in with us, i can hear her purring without her invading my personal space.  i love that we have enough room to embrace this big bed. 

thankful: november 8.

today, appropriately enough, i am thankful for our good health.  justin and i started puking monday (emme's birthday) after her appointment, and we have been down for the count ever since.  i hardly ever get really sick, and this bout has been intense.  we kept emme home on tuesday because she threw up once (her first time ever, poor bug), but she seems to have escaped mostly unscathed from this hell virus we have.  we are weak and exhausted and it's just making me realize how much i take our good health for granted.  so, i am very very thankful that this level of illness is a once-every-few-years kinda thing.  blech.

thankful: november 7.

one year ago today, in the wee hours of the morning, i met emmeline for the first time.  is there anything that can compare to that first day of motherhood?  i am unbelievably thankful today for the gift of this sweet child.  she has taught me immeasurable lessons and given me joy beyond what i had ever known (and i have known a lot of joy). 

thankful: november 6.

i am thankful for my roots today.  specifically, my cajun heritage.  south louisiana is a pretty great place to be from - and the traditions instilled in me growing up there are so valuable to my life.  i can't wait to teach emme to cook gumbo and etouffe and jambalaya.  i can't wait to see her dancing to zydeco music at the next festival.  my house may not ever be in louisiana again, but a piece of my heart will always live there. 

thankful: november 5.

i'll have a post dedicated to emme's first birthday party, but for today, i will say that i am thankful for my friends.  near and far, old and young, i'm lucky to know some of the greatest people in the world.  many are the friends i don't see or speak to as frequently as i'd like, but each of them holds a firm spot in my heart.  i hope the days and years give us more opportunities to be together than to be apart. 

thankful: november 4.

today, i am thankful for music.  this is probably random as far as the thankful thing goes, but i have been a music fan since birth.  nearly every great memory and every painful moment of my life has a song associated with it.  it's celebratory and healing and cathartic.  my day can take a dramatic turn for the better just by hearing a great song on my way to work (case in point: this morning, the stones' beast of burden came on and it made me super happy).  i don't really play anything anymore, but justin can play any and everything, and it's amazing to have that talent in our house.  i love that emme is instantly in a better mood when we put some tunes on (my parents gave her a personalized cd with songs that have her name in them for her birthday that she is OBSESSED with and demands to hear morning and night).  i love singing to myself and being sung to.  music.  yep, it's pretty great. 

thankful: november 3.

today, i am thankful for cool fronts.  autumn, to me, has always felt like a sense of renewal.  a time when everything seems to become more alert while going in to hibernation winter mode.  it's ironic, i guess, but that's how it makes me feel.  i always have more energy when the temperature drops and it's time to pull out cozy sweaters and scarves and hats.

thankful: november 2.

today, i am thankful for our good dog ollie.  he was our first dog, adopted shortly after we got married, and he's been the best little companion.  his personality is really subdued, but he is incredibly loyal and laid back.  i think pets take on the traits of their owners, and if that's true, ollie represents the best qualities in all of us.  he's four now and continues to surprise us with his loving nature and steadfastness.

thankful: november 1

a lot of people are posting on their blogs or their facebook pages something they are thankful for each day in the month of november.  i like this idea a lot, so i am going to catch up today and then try to post each day for the rest of the month.

today, i am thankful for my husband of four years + three weeks.  our fourth anniversary was october 13th and i totally spaced on posting about it here (granted, there's been a lot going on).  anyway, on that day, we celebrated with an awesome date to fino (super thanks to mike and kim for hanging with our sleeping baby so we could have a night out).  we ate tapas and drank red wine and held hands and talked and talked.  i'm thankful that i'm married to someone who makes me laugh a lot.  and someone who i like talking to.  and someone who makes me feel safe and loved.  we have grown and changed a lot since we met six and a half years ago, and it has been one heck of an adventure.  i am thankful that we have many more years to experience together.  i love you, jb.

school.

back in august, when things with liga were getting a little hairy, justin and i made the decision that when emme hit one year, it would be time for a new child care arrangement.  i really wanted her to get through the first year without being in a daycare environment because of her being a fall/winter baby and the exposure to germs and the security fostered by being in a consistent place at home every day and all the other reasons that go along with a decision like this.  hence, the nanny situation.  we toured a montessori school super close to our new house and really loved it.  the student : teacher ratio is small and the philosophy is all about empowering kids and fostering independence.  i like that stuff.  they believe that kids should learn by doing and that they're capable people who thrive in an environment centered around their learning process.  all good things.  needless to say, we decided we were on board, found our interim nanny, sharonica, and waited until the days of out-of-home hcildcare would begin.

i should note that we really loved sharonica.  she did an awesome job with emme and was fun and easy to have around our house.  she will be our go-to baby sitter from here on out.  when it was time for her to go, we were all super sad, but i stand firm that this is the right decision for emme right now....

that being said, school started last wednesday and it has been a much harder transition than i anticipated.  first, emme woke up sunday night in the middle of the night with a fever of 104.  it only lasted a day, but was accompanied by diarrhea (super fun), and it was obvious that she just felt miserable.  she also wasn't really eating or drinking for a day or two, but i didn't really have the work flexibility to delay her school start any longer.  so, wednesday (one day later than scheduled), we loaded up for the first day.  the school likes to do a staggered approach for integrating into the class, so the first day is 60 minutes of school time with the parents in the room, off to the side as a touch point if they're needed.  emme did awesome on this day - we were SO proud.  she participated in circle time and enjoyed being outdoors and only crawled over to us a couple of times to check in.  the second day is 60 minutes with her by herself, so i dropped her off at the normal time, went home for about an hour, then went back after snack to pick her up.  drop off was hard, but not awful.  she was ready to come home, but she handled the situation.  friday, she made it through lunch, which was hard for her because it was the first day she missed her morning nap (the class does one nap, even though she's free to take two or rest whenever she wants to, i think she doesn't like to miss out on any action).  anyway, she got home and crashed out.  all was well.

saturday morning she woke up with a cold.  this is the first cold ever, which is pretty good i think.  but, it was to be expected, and she was NOT a fan.  her little nose was super runny, she hated the saline nasal spray, and she had a really hard time sleeping because her thumb in her mouth made it harder to breathe.  pitiful.  anyway.  monday was like starting over from scratch with her still not at 100%.  she did ok once i was gone, but she bawled and clung to me as i was leaving.  i had a mini breakdown in my car on the way to work.  i went to get her after nap (3:30ish), only to learn that she didn't really eat or sleep the whole day.  great.  tuesday and wednesday were variations on that theme, though each day is really getting a lot better, the teachers say.  she loves being outside, playing with instruments, and balls.  her nap mat is her safety zone, so she spends some time there, even if her sleep hasn't been great while at school (she did sleep a little over an hour yesterday, which was awesome progress!).

i don't know.  earlier this week i was having internal crises about it because it breaks my heart to leave her when she's crying and grabbing me and saying mama in her saddest little voice ever.  but as her cold is getting better and better, she is seeming more and more like her normal self, and the teachers say she's really engaged and happy for the most part during the day.  they also tell me it can take a month for them to adjust to a new environment like this, and it's only been a week (and only two full days at that) and she's doing so much better.  she is also happy to see me and seems adjusted and happy when i go to pick her up, so i think that's a good sign too....

i guess this is just one of many hard things i will have to do as a parent.  there is always a choice to make, a decision to live with.  days like today, when she is burying her sweet face in my neck and begging me not to leave, i think being a working mother has to be the most gut-wrenching job ever.  but i know that no path is easy and we are all just doing the best we can.  as my mom says, i need to loosen the noose around my own neck and quit feeling guilty for what i really do believe is the right decision.  i think this school offers a great opportunity for her to experience being around other kids, learn exciting new things, and explore her world.  i believe they really care about kids' development and that they want her experience there to be the best it can be.  it's just taking me a little while to adjust.