school.

back in august, when things with liga were getting a little hairy, justin and i made the decision that when emme hit one year, it would be time for a new child care arrangement.  i really wanted her to get through the first year without being in a daycare environment because of her being a fall/winter baby and the exposure to germs and the security fostered by being in a consistent place at home every day and all the other reasons that go along with a decision like this.  hence, the nanny situation.  we toured a montessori school super close to our new house and really loved it.  the student : teacher ratio is small and the philosophy is all about empowering kids and fostering independence.  i like that stuff.  they believe that kids should learn by doing and that they're capable people who thrive in an environment centered around their learning process.  all good things.  needless to say, we decided we were on board, found our interim nanny, sharonica, and waited until the days of out-of-home hcildcare would begin.

i should note that we really loved sharonica.  she did an awesome job with emme and was fun and easy to have around our house.  she will be our go-to baby sitter from here on out.  when it was time for her to go, we were all super sad, but i stand firm that this is the right decision for emme right now....

that being said, school started last wednesday and it has been a much harder transition than i anticipated.  first, emme woke up sunday night in the middle of the night with a fever of 104.  it only lasted a day, but was accompanied by diarrhea (super fun), and it was obvious that she just felt miserable.  she also wasn't really eating or drinking for a day or two, but i didn't really have the work flexibility to delay her school start any longer.  so, wednesday (one day later than scheduled), we loaded up for the first day.  the school likes to do a staggered approach for integrating into the class, so the first day is 60 minutes of school time with the parents in the room, off to the side as a touch point if they're needed.  emme did awesome on this day - we were SO proud.  she participated in circle time and enjoyed being outdoors and only crawled over to us a couple of times to check in.  the second day is 60 minutes with her by herself, so i dropped her off at the normal time, went home for about an hour, then went back after snack to pick her up.  drop off was hard, but not awful.  she was ready to come home, but she handled the situation.  friday, she made it through lunch, which was hard for her because it was the first day she missed her morning nap (the class does one nap, even though she's free to take two or rest whenever she wants to, i think she doesn't like to miss out on any action).  anyway, she got home and crashed out.  all was well.

saturday morning she woke up with a cold.  this is the first cold ever, which is pretty good i think.  but, it was to be expected, and she was NOT a fan.  her little nose was super runny, she hated the saline nasal spray, and she had a really hard time sleeping because her thumb in her mouth made it harder to breathe.  pitiful.  anyway.  monday was like starting over from scratch with her still not at 100%.  she did ok once i was gone, but she bawled and clung to me as i was leaving.  i had a mini breakdown in my car on the way to work.  i went to get her after nap (3:30ish), only to learn that she didn't really eat or sleep the whole day.  great.  tuesday and wednesday were variations on that theme, though each day is really getting a lot better, the teachers say.  she loves being outside, playing with instruments, and balls.  her nap mat is her safety zone, so she spends some time there, even if her sleep hasn't been great while at school (she did sleep a little over an hour yesterday, which was awesome progress!).

i don't know.  earlier this week i was having internal crises about it because it breaks my heart to leave her when she's crying and grabbing me and saying mama in her saddest little voice ever.  but as her cold is getting better and better, she is seeming more and more like her normal self, and the teachers say she's really engaged and happy for the most part during the day.  they also tell me it can take a month for them to adjust to a new environment like this, and it's only been a week (and only two full days at that) and she's doing so much better.  she is also happy to see me and seems adjusted and happy when i go to pick her up, so i think that's a good sign too....

i guess this is just one of many hard things i will have to do as a parent.  there is always a choice to make, a decision to live with.  days like today, when she is burying her sweet face in my neck and begging me not to leave, i think being a working mother has to be the most gut-wrenching job ever.  but i know that no path is easy and we are all just doing the best we can.  as my mom says, i need to loosen the noose around my own neck and quit feeling guilty for what i really do believe is the right decision.  i think this school offers a great opportunity for her to experience being around other kids, learn exciting new things, and explore her world.  i believe they really care about kids' development and that they want her experience there to be the best it can be.  it's just taking me a little while to adjust.