happy hallow-weaning.

i will post copious amounts of our little elsa and olaf at some point, but i wanted to reflect a moment on this week.

this is the week i decided to wean hollis. i'm going to resist the temptation to justify my choices and the path we've gone down (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not so much), even though that's my nature. i breastfed hollis for 21 months and 22 days. that's a really long time in some respects, and a blip in many others. but it was an amazing experience over all.

i decided to stop because i was only nursing him in the morning and i felt like it was interrupting the quality of his sleep - he has been waking up at 5 or earlier most of his life, and i really feel like it had a lot to do with his anticipation of nursing. he loved it. but other areas of his life were suffering because of it, and that's not what it's about. he also hasn't been eating super well, and i need for him to learn that food is where our nutrition comes from, and it's important to get what we need from the food we eat. no, he doesn't need to wean to learn that, but he's a stubborn dude and i felt like he needed a push. additionally, he was never satisfied. for months now (i don't know how long because it's been going on for a long while), every time i would cut him off, he would cry and freak out - sometimes hitting me and usually pulling on my clothes and being fairly bratty about the whole thing. even on days when i had time to just let him nurse, it didn't matter how long i'd let him, he was never happy and content when it was over. so. i was left feeling guilty and weird even though he nursed a ton and i had plenty of milk.

and then of course there's me. the least of the reasons, but still. i have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the last 4 years and 9 months, and i am ready to not have to worry about which meds i can take for a cough or if i can have tea with ginseng in it. it just feels like it's time. and since this is a relationship between two people, i made the decision.

but still. this has been a fairly hard transition for us. last sunday was the last day i nursed him - he woke up at 5 and we curled under a blanket in the dark on the couch in the den. it was sweet, until i was ready to stop and he got super mad. monday morning i held him and kissed him and talked to him as he cried and asked to nurse over and over again. rough, man.

i've spent this week trying to give him extra time and extra love and cuddles. so he doesn't think i'm withholding love or punishing him in any way. and also for me - i need that extra time with him right now. i've been trying to be fairly gentle with myself as i mourn this ending. with emme, i knew we would (or we would try to) have another child. i was optimistic i'd be able to nurse that child as well, and my hopes were fulfilled with my little duder. but this time, everything is up in the air. who knows if i will ever breastfeed again?

i'm sure a lot of people aren't as nostalgic and sappy about this as i am. but nursing has been one of the great joys of my life. in talking to my mom about it the other day, she said "you really did take to it like a true mammal". ha. and it's true. it wasn't the easiest thing at first, but it really did come fairly naturally to me and to my niblets. and for that i am eternally grateful. because i have loved every day of being able to give this to my children, and every day of being able to receive this gift from them.