commit to fit.

i am doing this program through my employer.  it's called commit to fit and it's 10 weeks or so and the goal is to lose 5% of your BMI, as long as your BMI is above a certain level (mine is - ha!).  anyway.  i feel like a dork half the time.  more than half the time.  there's lots of cheerleading and other people in the program, so it's all about accountability and motivation and all of that.  so, lots of earnestness.  which i fear.

anyway.  i'm giving it a shot.  i am tracking my food (most of the time), trying to make good choices and exercise portion control, trying to squeeze in some activity every day (even if it's just getting up from my stupid desk now and then).  we shall see.  it's hard for me to think about all the weird mental baggage i have wrapped up in my body image, so i'm just focusing on the fact that this is about being healthy so i can model healthy behaviors for my kids and be in good shape to play with and enjoy them for many, many years to come.

storm.

the other night we had a big storm roll in super quickly.  it rolled out quickly, too, but it was magical to watch - bright orange/pink sky, torrential downpours, wild sweeps of wind.  it also happened during the evening while kids (mainly ek) were still awake and could watch it too.  she was mesmerized.  at one point i said "it's pouring!".  during bedtime, she was talking about her day and she said "and then we got to look out the window and see the pourness!".

before the rain started, she had run outside following justin to look at the clouds/sky.  as the lightning kept getting closer, he had to get pretty stern with her to get her to come inside where it was safe.  being fussed at really deflates emme (something we are working on from our perspective as well as hers), so i tried to cheer her up/distract her by seeing if she wanted to help me wash dishes.  it was amazing - she scrubbed and rinsed, and i loaded into the dishes into the dishwasher.  i know this is not a big deal for other peoples' kidlets, but it was huge for me and emme (especially lately).

anyway.  afterward, she kept saying "we're a team, right?" and "we make a great team".  man i love that girl.

more upbeat post.

today is gorgeous and heavenly outside.  i have a wicked cold/allergies/who knows what, but i've got the windows open and i'm hydrating while working from home, and it's goodness.  we have trumpet vine growing on our house and it's all in bloom or about to bloom and it's spectacular.  yay for spring.

this weekend i'm taking a sewing class - it's a quilting technique, so i think i'm going to start on what will eventually be hollis's big boy bed quilt (or a template for it), since it will probably take me a year to complete it.

last night before going to bed, ek whispered something i didn't hear as i was closing her door.  she started crying once the door was closed (which she does when i miss/forget one of her random items on the bedtime checklist).  i opened it back up and she said in a loud stage whisper "i just wanted to tell you i really like your dress".  that girl.

dentist.

yesterday afternoon was rough.  i left work early to pick up the kids and bring ek to the dentist.  we've been talking about it and she's been excited to go, so i was optimistic.  chick fil-a is across the street from our dentist's office and she asked if we could go there (she is in love with that place as it's the only fast food she's ever had and they have a big playscape).  i said as long as she was sweet at the dentist and did what he and the hygienist asked, we would go to chick fil-a before heading to dance class.  

well, that didn't happen.  she hid behind me and acted like a total brat in the dentist's office.  i was so embarrassed (i know that's ridiculous, but i was).  i finally persuaded her to sit in the dentist's chair, but she hid her face and refused to open her mouth for the hygienist.  after 15 minutes of asking, telling, begging, bribing, threatening, turning it into a game, etc., i told her we needed to leave.  she perked up and said "ok, can we go to chick fil-a now?" and i said of course not because she didn't hold up her end of the deal.  

enter complete and total meltdown in the parking lot/car.  she was screaming and crying and pitching an amazing fit.  it made me SO upset that i started crying on the ride home.  sigh.  she has brought it up again several times last night and this morning, so i know she's thinking about it and processing her decisions...it's just so hard to know how to handle stuff like that.  i also think she knows the dentist is going to tell her to stop sucking her thumb, so there is probably some anxiety about that because she's not ready to quit.  

anyway.  we ended up letting her go to dance class because we pay for it and i needed a few minutes of relative quiet.  i hung out with hollis and when she got home we had a nice bedtime routine and ended the day on a good note.  

i'm working on not extrapolating one bad day/incident into the overarching definition of my child.  i'm working on not thinking i'm a terrible parent on the whole just because i lose my temper on occasion.  i'm working on figuring out a method that works for all of us...that's a little gentler and gets the job done more effectively.  

long weekend with jj & kk.

this past weekend the kidlets' school was closed friday and monday so the teachers could attend the montessori conference.  justin was heading out for a guys' camping trip, so my parents came to town to hang with us.  so fun.  the weather was phenomenal, so we spent lots of time outside swinging and going for walks with the wagon.  the highlight for the kids was hiding easter eggs, which my parents stuffed with carrots, berries, goldfish, chocolate covered raisins, etc.  our house is still not totally hospitable for guests, but it's getting there...and we really appreciated mom and dad making the best of the air mattress situation for several nights...

great parenting.

this morning i asked emme to brush her teeth (like i do every day) before school.  she refused, so i gave her the choice of brushing them for her.  she refused that as well and went so far as to stick her arm in her mouth so i couldn't get to it.  she has a dentist appointment this afternoon, so it was even more crucial than usual to practice oral hygiene (although i do make this a priority every morning).  the whole ordeal ended with me losing my temper and shouting and justin physically holding her arms down and shoving the toothbrush in her mouth.  i HATE that.  i hate sending her off to school on a bad note; hate heading to work feeling like an utter failure of a parent.  i try (daily) to pick my battles, and some days it feels like there are no battles i can win.

that pup.

hollis is obsessed with this one particular book.  my aunt and uncle sent it for emme when he was born, and she loved loved loved it as well, but now that he has discovered it, he has completely taken it over. it's called that pup and it's about a little dog who finds acorns and then realizes a squirrel has been hiding the acorns for the winter, so she and the squirrel go back around the yard re-hiding the acorns.  anyway...he goes crazy for this book and is frequently found lurking on the floor of his room reading it and laughing to himself.

ch-ch-ch-changes.

i just dropped off the deposit check for the kidlets at their new school.  they will start in early july, so their last days at their current montessori school will be at the end of june.  

i know all of the reasons we made this decision.  it's closer to home (a lot closer).  it's less expensive (significant factor, though i wish it weren't).  it offers a montessori curriculum as well as the possibility of kids who will be in the same elementary environment as ours.  

but.  i am still sad.  i am a deeply loyal person and this school has been our kids' home for the vast majority of their lives.  they've spent way more waking hours there than at our actual home.  the teachers at their school have, for the most part, been encouraging and supportive and nurturing towards our little beans.  both our kids learned to walk there.  emme potty-trained there.  they've taken countless naps and had snacks and lunches and skinned knees and water play.  they've forged friendships and attachments and conducted their own independent little lives.  it's a big deal to say goodbye to all of this.  

but say goodbye we will, in just a few short months.  time keeps moving on, i guess.  it will be amazing to let them sleep for 20 extra minutes in the morning.  it will be incredible to hop in the car and be there in 5 minutes instead of 25.  it will be exciting to foster new relationships for us and them.  it will be huge for justin to be able to do a leg of the pick-up/drop-off, and for me to be able to explore job options closer to home.  

it will be good.  but it's still hard.  

back in the day.

yesterday alison emailed me a picture of emme and camo at the pumpkin patch right before they turned one. i can't even fathom that she was this little, even though it feels like this happened last week.  seeing stuff like this breaks my heart into a million little pieces.  i love how big and funny and talkative and silly she is now, of course, but looking at pics of her as a little tot feels like grasping sand.  it also makes me want to have 15 more babies, which is clearly impractical.  not to mention expensive.  sigh.

ordinary.

trains and other conversation topics.

yesterday, upon seeing a train on the way to school:
ek: mommy that train's not moving.
me: that's true - do you think it's getting ready to move?
ek: probly - it probly needs to grab its purse first.
me: probably so - what do you think it's going to put in all its big cars?
ek: cows.
__________________________________________

ek: did you know that if you suck your thumb a lot, your down teeth will go to your top teeth?  that's what the dentist told me.
__________________________________________

garbage truck.

ek, yesterday morning: "mommy.  i don't want you to ever let me hear a garbage truck ever.  ok?  just regly cars."

mandolin.

i sliced the tip of my thumb off on a mandolin slicer yesterday.  it's not that bad, really - i don't think i'll be permanently deformed.  but it hurt like the dickens and bled like a head wound.  the good news is the au gratin potatoes were heavenly.

rodeo and other weekending.

jb got back on monday and we were all pretty excited to have him home.  although, i have to say, i think the kids and i did surprisingly well (for the most part) during our five day solo tour.  emme and i are having our share of battles here and there these days.  she's super defiant and even though i KNOW it's totally a three year-old thing, i hate battling with her and losing my temper.  anyway.  we had our share of head-butting over the five days, but mostly we had a jam-packed time with lots of fun in there.

i took the kids to central market after school on thursday, then to luby's cafeteria with nanny mandy/justin/amelia after school on friday.  emme loves going through the line and picking stuff out - and she especially loves the cheesecake.  ha.  saturday morning we went to cafe java (as usual) for breakfast and then braved the pouring rain to hit up the rodeo.  because it was so yucky outside, there were hardly any other people at the rodeo, which was awesome.  ek rode a pony for the first time ever (adorable) and we got to pet baby goats, calfs, deer, and a baby alpaca.  the carnival part looked like lots of fun, but a lot of the rides were closed because it was so wet.  this turned out to be kind of a blessing because ek was a little too little for most of the rides (especially the caterpillar roller coaster she reeeeaaaaallllly wanted to ride).  i promised we would go back next year with another adult so she'd be able to ride more stuff.

she (especially) was not thrilled to leave the rodeo, but i finally got her in the car and back home.  both kidlets took good naps then we went for a little walk in the stroller and headed back to central market for some playground time.  sunday was another cafe java breakfast, followed by an attempt at kite-flying in the park by our house.  the wind was crazy strong, so ek was a little scared to hold the string.  we spent most of our time on the slides - hollis is all about climbing to the very top of any play structure available to him.  after nap on sunday, we packed a picnic and went to brentwood park to meet several of ek's school friends for more kite flying.  the wind was still crazy, so it was a little overwhelming/tiring, but super super fun.  hollis mostly wanted to eat all the snacks.  after the park, we went with addie and her parents to a new tex mex restaurant for some fish tacos and headed home tired and full.

of course the house isn't as clean as it could be and i didn't complete 90% of the projects i was hoping to start/work on, but i loved my solo time with the kids and they were really so so good.

two bugs two cups.

this week has been a little crazy.  i got back from vegas (for work) late wednesday night and jb left early thursday morning for a bachelor party in san diego until monday.  the kidlets are soooo good for him when he's solo parenting(which is pretty rare, but still).  no back-talk, no defiance.  apparently not so much with me.  i brought them to a playground for dinnertime yesterday after school and ek ran away from me, hit me, and yelled at me like six different times.  ugh.  if someone can give me a clue as to what i'm doing wrong, that would be superb.  

anyway.  this morning, we got up and i was trying to take a two minute shower and emme was flipping out about it because she wanted to get in the shower with me and all the other things.  i said no, which led to hysteria while i was in my shower, which only lasted approximately 90 seconds.  i get out and hear her shouting and crying from down the hall so i head out in my towel.  she's freaking out about a spider, which i soon locate in the middle of the hall.  since i'm in a towel, but i don't want to lose the spider and incite more hysteria, i place a bathroom dixie cup over the spider and tell her it's going to be ok.  she insists on being carried across spider territory in either direction, but is mostly ok at this point.  i head back down the hall to my room on a quest for actual clothing and what's hanging out right at the end of the hall in my doorway?  a giant tree roach.  party. on.  i have an irrational fear of roaches, especially the big ones.  knowing i have to get into my room to get dressed and there's no one to call for back up (hollis is not to be trusted with a bug-killing mission), i scoot etta in the direction of my room to see how quickly the roach is scurrying.  answer: not too quickly, but fast enough that i get the willies just thinking about it.  of course, now my plan has backfired slightly because the roach is on carpet (ours is the only room in the house with carpet, of course). carpet is a notoriously bad place to smash bugs you want to pretend don't exist inside your house.  so.  i go to the kitchen and procure a pint glass.  place pint glass on top of roach and voila!  problem temporarily ignored.  

so now i'm debating whether i should leave the roach (spiders don't bug me - haha, get it?) until jb gets home.  which doesn't sound great because sleeping in the room with a trapped roach wigs me out.  but how else am i supposed to deal with this thing?  

14 months + 1 day.

sooooo...my streak of semi-frequent blogging came to a screeching halt over the last week or so as this was the busiest week of all time ever.

the most important thing that's happened lately is that our duder started WALKING.  last wednesday, march 5, he apparently took some steps at school.  i'm refusing to focus on the fact that i missed his very first steps ever (oh, working motherhood) and instead just wallowing in the super cuteness of a new walker.  ek has dance on wednesdays and this was jb's week to take her, so i quickly ate through the memory on my phone trying to capture some steps, but i finally succeeded!  he is so proud of himself (still) every time he takes steps - belly out, big grin.  love this kid.

also...please excuse my obnoxious cartoon voice.  i can't help myself.

mardi gras 2014.

we headed to lafayette for our annual mardi gras celebration.  last year, hollis was only 5 weeks old and we had him out at the parades, so this year was waaaaay more fun for everyone involved.  we got in late thursday night.  emme took down two containers of applesauce and about a quart of milk and then the kids and adults hit the hay.  friday morning, mom made a spread of food for us to graze on while my grandmother came to visit the kids.  during nap time, ek and jb rested while mom, hollis, and i took the dogs to visit uncle joey and his new pup dela.  she is sooo cute and super rambunctious.  the dogs wore each other out.  we grabbed judice inn for a late lunch, then played in the yard with my childhood neighbor's kids before heading to the parade.

the friday night parade is super fun - not as crowded, lots of beads.  the kids each got a glow wand/sword thing and emme got a feather boa.  hollis was grinning and shrieking and as happy as i've ever seen him.  we caught tons of stuff and ek kept saying the parade was so much fun but the music was a little loud.  ha.

saturday morning my parents made a big brunch and my grandmother came over again.  then we all headed to the old horse farm farmers' market which was awesome.  i love how lafayette's weekly farmer's market feels like a festival.  there was zydeco music, face painting, food, etc.  ek loved the children's museum table, where they had craft supplies for making mardi gras masks.  after that, mom and ek and i made a quick trip to visit the pyle family - ek and amelia totally hit it off and i got to meet baby anna (such a calm, sweet, gorgeous baby).  back home for napping and getting cleaned up, then that evening we headed to the beyt's for their annual mardi gras happy hour.  janice has more mardi gras decorations than you can imagine and the food is heavenly (the food is always heavenly at louisiana parties).  we headed to the saturday night krewe of bonaparte parade after that, but the kids were pretty wiped by then.  hollis fell asleep on me, in the ergo, about three floats in.  he didn't wake up during the transfer into/out of the car or into his pack n play.  sweet baby.

sunday, my parents got ready to head to the king's luncheon - one of their close friends is king of the krewe of gabriel this year (a really big deal), so they had to get decked out.  we packed up our gear and then hit the road.  hollis was asleep before we even hit the interstate, and ek wasn't far after him.  it was in the 70s/80s on saturday and we drove through the cold front on the way home to 25 degree weather.  crazy spring!  it was a great weekend.  i wish we could have stayed until the actual day of mardi gras, but maybe next year...

my cat is tracy gold.

it's lundi gras today and we got back from louisiana yesterday evening after an awesome trip for mardi gras shenanigans.  for years, we have been able to leave our cat pippa for up to 4-5 days with a demand feeder.  she gets mad at us, but that usually involves just ignoring us for a day or two when we get back, then all is back to normal.  the last couple of times we've left, she goes crazy and binge eats and then barfs all over whatever room she wants.  this time it was the laundry room, which is the best possible room she could have ransacked, honestly.  silver lining.

anyway, i cleaned four piles of barf yesterday when we got home, but i guess she wasn't satisfied with that because she left me 16 piles to deal with this morning.  16.  are you kidding me?  anyone know a pet-sitter?  sometimes i am not wild about our animals.

55.

the other night, we did letter work in ek's room after hollis went to bed.  she is really starting to recognize letters (though the only ones we have are lower case, which are way harder and not what she's accustomed to at school) and she is quite good at giving the starting sound and then telling us examples of what else starts with that.  in montessori, they learn the alphabet, but when they're learning letters for practical use at this age, they learn them as sounds.  so, T is learned as ta (the sound it makes in the word) instead of as tee.  and so on.

anyway...when it was time to pick up, i held open the bag and had her count all the letters as she was putting them back in (hoping it would motivate her to do it without too much complaint).  i figured we'd get to 15 or 18 and then just start over.  but she just kept right on going.  for all 55 letters.  she needed a little help here and there (she has a tendency to skip the 7s - 27, 37, etc, and she wasn't quite sure about 40), but she TOTALLY got it.

i love watching new things click into place in her brain.  and i am so amazed at how she learns and how i can not think about counting for a few weeks and she's more than halfway to 100.

gruene.

this past weekend, my friend amber turned 40 (!).  that's a pretty big deal, so she rented a house on the river in gruene and we moseyed on down, boots in tow.  the afternoon was spent lunching, strolling, and wandering into random shops.  we ended up drinking coffee and chatting by the river until it was time to strap on those boots and head to dinner.  dancing followed dinner and a super late night of hilariousness followed all of that.  i last looked at my clock at 4:42 (what?) and then woke up at 7:12.  ah, the sleep habits of a mom.

it was really fun.  honestly, i was on the fence about going.  i didn't know many of the girls well, and i don't leave the kids if i don't have to, ever.  in fact, this was the first night jb has had both kids solo, ever i think.  but while i was there, it was really good.  i am not unhappy in my current life - at all.  but being on my own, in a small town with nothing i had to do...i could feel the layers of responsibility skin starting to peel off of me.  not enough, and not in any permanent way, but it was good to get a slight glimpse of just...me.

everyone changes when they have children.  duh.  but i have changed a lot more than i expected.  and not always for the best.  i worry and fret and obsess over my kids to my own detriment.  i read stuff about putting myself first and creating me-time and i roll my eyes because...i don't see how, and most days it feels like i may be completely lost anyway.  too much effort to try to dig my self out from under all the things.

saturday's night out didn't unlock the mystery or give me any kind of solution.  but it did offer me a small glimmer of hope that i might be worth the effort of trying to rediscover.